I know it has been awhile and I hate that it has, but when you are tired and working on many projects you just have to put somethings aside for awhile... that being said I haven't gone anywhere :)
Last time I talked about how we committed to the Waiting Child program through our adoption agency, Addy's Hope. The next thing to do was to fill out the application. Now I'm putting this in here because again this my healing, releasing the emotions that went along with this process. Essentially filling out this application was the same equivalent to taking a pregnancy test... it was our beginning. The only difference is, when you find out your pregnant you don't get to pick and choose the ingredients for your child. They are part of the combination of genetics between the man and woman... in our case, however, we had a lot of things to consider. After you fill out your name, address, bla bla all that... you come to a section that for our agency said "Prayerfully consider any diagnosis and disabilities that you would accept in your home." Wow. Prayerfully consider... the list was quite large.
So pray we did.
And let me just say, I work as a physical therapist for children and adults of all ages (from birth to 90+)... and I have seen just about every diagnosis and disability that was listed on that page. It was extremely a struggle for me to pick and choose what I wanted, or more so what God wanted in our children. I had the opportunity to do what most parents only hope and pray for... choose the characteristics of a healthy child. Normal parents don't get a say if their child is missing a limb, is bling, deaf, or has developmental delays... but here on this paper we had a choice. I will say that God helped us fill out that page and we prayed over each item specifically. In the end the check marks were done and we moved to the rest of the application... (telling about our family which was easy to do so I won't go on about that).
After turning in our application, it seemed like everything went suddenly so fast. April is much of a blur to me as we began the next phase in our process... TRAINING.
Amidst acquiring all necessary documents and paperwork (yes there is a lot more than just an application), we began training to become adoptive parents. Robert and I with Holly Ann and another couple spent over 30 hours together reviewing the bad, the worst, and the even worse situations that our potential kids could have, most likely did, and definitely experienced from birth to whatever age they come to us. There were a few tears, several awkward moments, and lots of highs in our emotions. This training helped us to see past just a child who may throw a fit or steal or hide or run away... it helped us see the hurt they had gone through and the mindset behind the behavior. I wish every parent could go through this bc if I was having a baby I would feel more ready to understand my child and a little more in the know.
This training covered various levels of abuse, feelings and emotions regarding the abuser and the abused, typical behavior patterns, what not to do and what you need to do, and opening up a world of resources for us to pursue. I feel that this training helped me understand my patients at work better and I now have a different mindset when they get upset or throw a fit depending on their lifestyle circumstances.
30 hours of training... we squeezed it into every spare few hours we had...after work, on the weekends between events, you name it we were training fools. And I appreciate Holly Ann for being so willing to accommodate our schedules but to also not drag out the training over months and months bc after the training we had a lot more things waiting for us and we needed to have our time invested in those things while our hearts were so invested in the adoption.
The technicalities were pretty much over with after the training. We had to have a home study as required by all adopting and foster parents but with Holly Ann it was quite fun having her ask use questions about our marriage, family, our relationship with each other, with other kids, our church, and so on. So we were ready to start looking for our kids... to start seeing faces and reading stories and preparing our home for their arrival... but God had a few more lessons for us to learn first. A lesson in Waiting.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Taking The Next Step
Deciding to move forward with the adoption meant changing several things...going into secret mode which is not fun as we are pretty open and honest with our families and friends... deciding not to start some projects until we knew what we were getting into (like putting down hard wood floors, oh how I wish we could still do this, maybe someday)... and we had to work on our prayer life, our marriage communication, and our relationship with God.
Not that our marriage or relationship with God was struggling, but you have to remember that we had gone through one year of questioning God, having out emotions tugged in every direction, having my hopes and dreams diverted to new hopes and dreams, etc... our communication with each other and with God needed some time to tune up :) I truly appreciate our family and friends who gave us bonding and relationship advice at a time that you may have not even known that we needed it... just goes to show how God works through people when we don't expect it!
So moving forward, taking the next step, we had to choose an adoption agency. I can't tell you how crazy lost I was when I typed in "adoption agencies in Texas" into google... I mean wow I was just overwhelmed. I prayed for direction and then I remembered a conversation I had with a friend at the beginning of the year. I had just shared with this friend how I wasn't going to be having kids because of what God had told me and she immediately started talking to me about adoption if we became interested in adoption (at that time I wasn't sure)... so she mentions to me a friend of hers, Holly Ann Petree, and that I should email her.
Somewhere in my phone I saved her email address and name so I looked her up and her agency, Addy's Hope.
Addy's Hope was founded by John and Holly Ann Petree in memory of their daughter, Addy. In 2004, The Petree's set out to adopt from Sierra Leon, Africa. Addy was in every way their daughter, but contracted Cholera and died before she was able to be given the right help and make it home to her new family. God then lead them down the path to create Addy's Hope in order to help families add to their homes and to save orphans all over the world. Just reading the story itself was enough for God to give me the signals I needed. I contacted Holly Ann in January, but to give us more time to prepare ourselves and our marriage for what was to come, we didn't end up getting to meet with her until March 20th.
I apologize to all my family and friends for the...ummm... little white lies that were told during this time... we had to keep this a secret until we knew what we were up against, and when I had to sneak away to that lunch on that Wednesday, I had to make up some good excuses bc some of you people are crafty and clever, lol!
So we met with Holly Ann and all I could remember was praying "God is this it, is this our agency, is this our path, please give us peace about this and a clear decision!" Holly Ann began talking with us on the different types of adoption, different types that I had never even heard of. We knew we wanted to adopt domestically because Robert has always shared his heart for kids and teens in this state and area. We also knew that we may or may not be able to afford adoption of a baby or infant, but we wanted to know everything. Finding out that infant adoption can be over 30 grand was litterally painful to hear. It just didn't feel right to us when she was talking about baby adoption.
Then she mentioned a program where you adopt from children who have been in the "system" for over a year and or have their parental rights terminated. A program called Waiting Child. In this program, the children who shuffle through the foster care system for a year have their parent's rights terminated meaning they can no longer go back to their families for whatever reason determined by the courts, so the child is placed on the Waiting Child List. This means that the child will be at least a year old if not older. There are thousands of older kids who are placed on this list their whole childhood because they are overlooked for younger kids. If the child turns 18 years while in this program (without being adopted), they are adopted out of the system and basically thrown to the wolves of life, wished good luck, but let go without anything. To type this still just breaks my heart for all those children who feel unloved and unwanted enough that they don't get adopted and then they have no stability or family to fall back on. Robert and I have a huge heart for these kids and while we may not be in the position to adopt these older children at our age, we hope to come up with more solutions for their furture... but thats another post :)
We knew this Waiting Child program was for us. And while we had so many questions and uncertainties, we were ready to commit blindly trusting our faith. It was a strong bold step in the right direction towards our future.
If you or anyone has questions about the Waiting Child program or how you can support these children, please email me at fowler1006@yahoo.com.
James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Not that our marriage or relationship with God was struggling, but you have to remember that we had gone through one year of questioning God, having out emotions tugged in every direction, having my hopes and dreams diverted to new hopes and dreams, etc... our communication with each other and with God needed some time to tune up :) I truly appreciate our family and friends who gave us bonding and relationship advice at a time that you may have not even known that we needed it... just goes to show how God works through people when we don't expect it!
So moving forward, taking the next step, we had to choose an adoption agency. I can't tell you how crazy lost I was when I typed in "adoption agencies in Texas" into google... I mean wow I was just overwhelmed. I prayed for direction and then I remembered a conversation I had with a friend at the beginning of the year. I had just shared with this friend how I wasn't going to be having kids because of what God had told me and she immediately started talking to me about adoption if we became interested in adoption (at that time I wasn't sure)... so she mentions to me a friend of hers, Holly Ann Petree, and that I should email her.
Somewhere in my phone I saved her email address and name so I looked her up and her agency, Addy's Hope.
Addy's Hope was founded by John and Holly Ann Petree in memory of their daughter, Addy. In 2004, The Petree's set out to adopt from Sierra Leon, Africa. Addy was in every way their daughter, but contracted Cholera and died before she was able to be given the right help and make it home to her new family. God then lead them down the path to create Addy's Hope in order to help families add to their homes and to save orphans all over the world. Just reading the story itself was enough for God to give me the signals I needed. I contacted Holly Ann in January, but to give us more time to prepare ourselves and our marriage for what was to come, we didn't end up getting to meet with her until March 20th.
I apologize to all my family and friends for the...ummm... little white lies that were told during this time... we had to keep this a secret until we knew what we were up against, and when I had to sneak away to that lunch on that Wednesday, I had to make up some good excuses bc some of you people are crafty and clever, lol!
So we met with Holly Ann and all I could remember was praying "God is this it, is this our agency, is this our path, please give us peace about this and a clear decision!" Holly Ann began talking with us on the different types of adoption, different types that I had never even heard of. We knew we wanted to adopt domestically because Robert has always shared his heart for kids and teens in this state and area. We also knew that we may or may not be able to afford adoption of a baby or infant, but we wanted to know everything. Finding out that infant adoption can be over 30 grand was litterally painful to hear. It just didn't feel right to us when she was talking about baby adoption.
Then she mentioned a program where you adopt from children who have been in the "system" for over a year and or have their parental rights terminated. A program called Waiting Child. In this program, the children who shuffle through the foster care system for a year have their parent's rights terminated meaning they can no longer go back to their families for whatever reason determined by the courts, so the child is placed on the Waiting Child List. This means that the child will be at least a year old if not older. There are thousands of older kids who are placed on this list their whole childhood because they are overlooked for younger kids. If the child turns 18 years while in this program (without being adopted), they are adopted out of the system and basically thrown to the wolves of life, wished good luck, but let go without anything. To type this still just breaks my heart for all those children who feel unloved and unwanted enough that they don't get adopted and then they have no stability or family to fall back on. Robert and I have a huge heart for these kids and while we may not be in the position to adopt these older children at our age, we hope to come up with more solutions for their furture... but thats another post :)
We knew this Waiting Child program was for us. And while we had so many questions and uncertainties, we were ready to commit blindly trusting our faith. It was a strong bold step in the right direction towards our future.
If you or anyone has questions about the Waiting Child program or how you can support these children, please email me at fowler1006@yahoo.com.
James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Monday, October 14, 2013
It Comes Down to that Moment...
The road to adoption... its not a small lane or street... its a
highway that spans the country... its a marathon... I know that
pregnancy takes 9 months typically, which gives the mom time to prepare
for the coming of her child and gives both the parents time to bond...
so on and so on. But the path for adoption is a little different.
Not that I'm down playing pregnancy, I have no idea the physical hardships, pain, and joy that the woman's body goes through to become a mother. That being said... just go with me here.
To switch your mindset in such a short time from grieving for the babies you might never be able to carry... finding joy in God's promises despite the hurt exploding in your heart... then you come to acknowledge that you will never get that 9 months of feeling and watching a young child grow in you... to believing that despite all your heart's desires God's desires are much sweeter and beautiful... and then you start seeing this word over and over again and it gives you a little light of hope... you begin to pray and plead for answers... you begin to wrestle with your mind, am I causing my heart to start down a path that I'm creating, or is this really from you, God?... you want it to be real, but you are scared to let your heart get too excited, too caught up in the emotion...still you pray, you confide in the friends that God has placed in your life for guidance and counsel... you have to decide, how do I tell Robert?... it comes down to that moment, when it seems that He let go of your hand and He has forgotten about you...He shows you His goodness, God confirms your heart... He confirms that He wants you to pursue Adoption, or more that He is allowing you the joy and chance of still being a mother...and so you tell your husband, your best friend, your soul mate, that although you have dreamed of carrying his child, God has given you a new heart... to be a mother to the motherless, the orphans, the ones loved by God, but shunned by the world... and your heart spills out with a new kind of joy, a new kind of hope, and a strange seed of love that you know will grow and grow.
Then comes the decision to tell people... I have always imagined telling people that I was pregnant... but honestly, this was better. Yes, there were questions again (getting tested, knowing why, are we sure?) but we knew... and we felt God leading us every step of the way...
And the road wouldn't stop there... finding an agency... taking the next step to commit to the process... entrusting yourself and your future to someone you barely know... praying and praying and waiting and waiting... filling out paperwork that asks impossible questions... praying over the paperwork... sharing more news... answering more questions... praying and praying and crying and praying... dreaming and letting your mind just wonder... training and taking the classes that address the hard stuff, the things you may not have ever wanted to consider... grieving for a family that was broken... knowing that the ones you are ready to fall in love with may not understand or be ready, or be able to accept your love... praying for your children, whom you have never met, never known their names, and never even seen their faces... praying for their future, for their salvation, for their bonding and attachment with your family... and all the while waiting and praying and waiting and praying for the next process, for the next step, for their names, for their faces...
Oh yes, the road has been long, and no its not over. We still wait for the day we will know who our previous children may be... but we will pray and wait as long as we have to.
Isaiah 40:31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
Not that I'm down playing pregnancy, I have no idea the physical hardships, pain, and joy that the woman's body goes through to become a mother. That being said... just go with me here.
To switch your mindset in such a short time from grieving for the babies you might never be able to carry... finding joy in God's promises despite the hurt exploding in your heart... then you come to acknowledge that you will never get that 9 months of feeling and watching a young child grow in you... to believing that despite all your heart's desires God's desires are much sweeter and beautiful... and then you start seeing this word over and over again and it gives you a little light of hope... you begin to pray and plead for answers... you begin to wrestle with your mind, am I causing my heart to start down a path that I'm creating, or is this really from you, God?... you want it to be real, but you are scared to let your heart get too excited, too caught up in the emotion...still you pray, you confide in the friends that God has placed in your life for guidance and counsel... you have to decide, how do I tell Robert?... it comes down to that moment, when it seems that He let go of your hand and He has forgotten about you...He shows you His goodness, God confirms your heart... He confirms that He wants you to pursue Adoption, or more that He is allowing you the joy and chance of still being a mother...and so you tell your husband, your best friend, your soul mate, that although you have dreamed of carrying his child, God has given you a new heart... to be a mother to the motherless, the orphans, the ones loved by God, but shunned by the world... and your heart spills out with a new kind of joy, a new kind of hope, and a strange seed of love that you know will grow and grow.
Then comes the decision to tell people... I have always imagined telling people that I was pregnant... but honestly, this was better. Yes, there were questions again (getting tested, knowing why, are we sure?) but we knew... and we felt God leading us every step of the way...
And the road wouldn't stop there... finding an agency... taking the next step to commit to the process... entrusting yourself and your future to someone you barely know... praying and praying and waiting and waiting... filling out paperwork that asks impossible questions... praying over the paperwork... sharing more news... answering more questions... praying and praying and crying and praying... dreaming and letting your mind just wonder... training and taking the classes that address the hard stuff, the things you may not have ever wanted to consider... grieving for a family that was broken... knowing that the ones you are ready to fall in love with may not understand or be ready, or be able to accept your love... praying for your children, whom you have never met, never known their names, and never even seen their faces... praying for their future, for their salvation, for their bonding and attachment with your family... and all the while waiting and praying and waiting and praying for the next process, for the next step, for their names, for their faces...
Oh yes, the road has been long, and no its not over. We still wait for the day we will know who our previous children may be... but we will pray and wait as long as we have to.
Isaiah 40:31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
Monday, September 30, 2013
A New Page...A New Path
Moving on from the realization that our dreams had just taken a drastic change was hard at first, but happily peaceful. The most challenging thing was spreading the word to our family and close friends... the people who were pulling for us to be parents and were I think the most in anticipation for us to have kids. I can't say thank you enough to those friends who shared in the shedding of healing tears and for all the encouragement that we received. Having to be open and bear my soul out loud instead of keeping my "secret" inside was harder than you know. Still harder was all the times that I was asked "when are you going to have kids?" to which I would have to decide do I share the whole truth or just my simple answer of "whenever God wants." The truth was that I knew God was telling me that I had to trust Him and if He ever wanted to decide to give me kids, then it would be from Him and He would show me the way. I had to learn to die to my self (my desires, my wants) daily, and to pick up my cross (trusting in Him) and follow Christ.
And follow Christ is what I strove to do.
Naturally when someone is tested for or has an experience of infertility their mind drifts towards other ways to have children. Personally, (and this is just my opinion and what I know is right for me) I do not believe in artificial insemination or fertility treatments or the like to become pregnant. It just seems unnatural to me and not something that I feel God has called me to do. That being said, I had many questions about what we were gonna do next to create or obtain a child. This didn't offend me, but it made me uncomfortable. I still was mourning the loss of the pregnancy that I would never have and didn't want to think about the alternatives at that time.
But one word kept popping up in my mind...
Adoption
I mean this word was everywhere! On TV, ads on facebook (which are annoying fyi), in articles I read, in the news... adoption was everywhere. You know like when you buy a new car and then all you see on the road is the exact same car you purchased... adoption was everywhere I looked. Robert and I really didn't talk to much about this until I decided one day to go to Mardel and just look at books on adoption. I had heard about a book from a friend and decided to check it out. Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore
After starting the book I knew it was time to talk to Robert.
Things kept adding up in my mind and through prayer I was given more and more signs pointing at adoption.
I will never forget that day, a Saturday in the cool winter air of 2012, when Robert and I were pulling up to a local restaurant for lunch. I had felt it was the right time and so I said "Robert, I want to talk to you about something."
He looked at me curiously, but then his expression changed as if God had whispered my thoughts in his ears and he said" Yes we should."
"Yes we should what?" I responded.
"Yes, we should talk about adoption."
Ok, God you must really be in this! After never having said anything to him about it... and he didn't know about the book yet, he mentions it out of the blue :)
So adoption. Could this be the path we would take? The path to a family, to some dream and plan that God had prepared a long time ago for us.
Yes... oh yes it could.
I wish I could quote some things from the book, but I gave the book to a friend. Russell Moore leads the way through he and his wife struggling with infertility, then coming to the decision to adopt, and their journey to adopt two small boys from Russia. He gives advice for families considering adoption or who are in adoption, how to deal with questions, things to consider before making a decision, and the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly about the adoption process. He also relates adoption back to our spiritual adoption through Christ and how important it is for Christians and churches to band together and become better advocates for adoption. I actually would read this book while working out on my elliptical in the morning and one day it brought me to tears so thick that I basically fell off the machine... hidden camera would have won us millions I'm sure. Lol! This book is the place to start if you know someone who is going through adoption or if you are considering adoption yourself.
I will update you more and more on our adoption story in the next few posts. It hasn't been an easy ride, but its one worth rejoicing over :)
Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."
And follow Christ is what I strove to do.
Naturally when someone is tested for or has an experience of infertility their mind drifts towards other ways to have children. Personally, (and this is just my opinion and what I know is right for me) I do not believe in artificial insemination or fertility treatments or the like to become pregnant. It just seems unnatural to me and not something that I feel God has called me to do. That being said, I had many questions about what we were gonna do next to create or obtain a child. This didn't offend me, but it made me uncomfortable. I still was mourning the loss of the pregnancy that I would never have and didn't want to think about the alternatives at that time.
But one word kept popping up in my mind...
Adoption
I mean this word was everywhere! On TV, ads on facebook (which are annoying fyi), in articles I read, in the news... adoption was everywhere. You know like when you buy a new car and then all you see on the road is the exact same car you purchased... adoption was everywhere I looked. Robert and I really didn't talk to much about this until I decided one day to go to Mardel and just look at books on adoption. I had heard about a book from a friend and decided to check it out. Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore
After starting the book I knew it was time to talk to Robert.
Things kept adding up in my mind and through prayer I was given more and more signs pointing at adoption.
I will never forget that day, a Saturday in the cool winter air of 2012, when Robert and I were pulling up to a local restaurant for lunch. I had felt it was the right time and so I said "Robert, I want to talk to you about something."
He looked at me curiously, but then his expression changed as if God had whispered my thoughts in his ears and he said" Yes we should."
"Yes we should what?" I responded.
"Yes, we should talk about adoption."
Ok, God you must really be in this! After never having said anything to him about it... and he didn't know about the book yet, he mentions it out of the blue :)
So adoption. Could this be the path we would take? The path to a family, to some dream and plan that God had prepared a long time ago for us.
Yes... oh yes it could.
I wish I could quote some things from the book, but I gave the book to a friend. Russell Moore leads the way through he and his wife struggling with infertility, then coming to the decision to adopt, and their journey to adopt two small boys from Russia. He gives advice for families considering adoption or who are in adoption, how to deal with questions, things to consider before making a decision, and the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly about the adoption process. He also relates adoption back to our spiritual adoption through Christ and how important it is for Christians and churches to band together and become better advocates for adoption. I actually would read this book while working out on my elliptical in the morning and one day it brought me to tears so thick that I basically fell off the machine... hidden camera would have won us millions I'm sure. Lol! This book is the place to start if you know someone who is going through adoption or if you are considering adoption yourself.
I will update you more and more on our adoption story in the next few posts. It hasn't been an easy ride, but its one worth rejoicing over :)
Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Trust.
Throughout this journey, God has been merciful. One message that keeps creeping into many sermons that I've heard is that God pursues us in His love. He pursues us... He never gives up on us... He goes after us, no matter how far away we go... He loves us so ferociously that He wants us to have that intimate relationship with Him, so He chases after us... that is the full measure of God's love.
And just when I thought I was barely hanging on and coasting through each day, God was ready to show me how He was pursuing me...
After accepting but not wanting to deal with God's words about my childless future, I fell once again into a mask of "everythings fine". That was until God rocked my world again.
August 2012 brought on a spiritual revival for our church. An amazing evangelist named Dan Bohi was invited to come and speak. He spoke on healing, the power of God, the full surrender to His calling, and God's charge to all Christians. The 2 day revival ended with a time for response. I was having weird mixed feelings throughout the entire revival... challenged by Dan's words...but somewhere disconnected. As Dan called us up to the front for response time, he of course called on the keyboard lady (that would be me) to go and play... little did I know that I would be trapped on stage for 45 minutes all alone. I didn't matter, I was helping with whatever God wanted me to do and He has given me the gift to play the keyboard so I don't mind being used by Him during worship... But I do have a small fear of having to play all by myself bc I'm so uncertain of my playing and not wanting to make a mistake.
God knew that by putting me up on that stage that He would have my full attention. I struggled at first with playing, but was able to eventually let go and let Him lead my hands across the keys... this allowed my mind to become more free and more readily able to hear God's words. Remember the pursuit... God wanted me to know a deeper love, and to get there I needed to pay attention.
Again, His voice rang loud and clear these words...
"Jennifer, I love you and I ask you again. If you never have children, would I still be enough for you?"
Now God? I thought we had been through this, yes of course you would be enough.
"It is not my will for you to have children. Will you trust me?"
Will you trust me...
Somewhere in the midst of playing music, of hearing Dan Bohi's voice, or hearing the prayers and cries of my church family, a hush came over me... you know like the movies when the sound goes blank but theres buildings blowing up next to the actor and chaos erupting but all we hear is silence... that was me.
Just me and God.
And then what God was saying to me finally made sense. I realized that God was telling me my future, a small glimpse at a piece of His plan and promise for my life. And instead of being scared or afraid or mad or angry... I surrendered. I knew that there was nothing more beautiful than God revealing this part of his promise.
And in that surrender, I was also able to fully come to grips with mourning the children I had prayed for and the babies I had longed to carry within me. I decided that night that I wanted to chose obedience and trust. My first act after that night was to sit Robert down (he was not present for the revival as he was in charge of the children's gathering service that night) and I finally opened up to him about what God had told me.
I cried bc I wanted so badly to make Robert a father and to give him the children that we had talked and prayed for. He was so loving and understanding and prayed for me and for our marriage that we would understand. But more than anything we prayed that God's will be done in our lives...no matter what happened...together we surrendered.
God was pursuing a deeper relationship and a deeper commitment for His purpose. He loved me enough to pull me away from the depression and the sadness of longing for a child. As weird as that may sound, God rescued me from my deep pit of selfishness and delivered me to a new world of mystery in His love. Saying yes to trusting God and yes to believing in His words and obedience to His call means knowing that He will pull you through any heartache to the ultimate victory. God said I was not to have children according to His plan, but that didn't mean His plan didn't include happiness.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
Trust.
And just when I thought I was barely hanging on and coasting through each day, God was ready to show me how He was pursuing me...
After accepting but not wanting to deal with God's words about my childless future, I fell once again into a mask of "everythings fine". That was until God rocked my world again.
August 2012 brought on a spiritual revival for our church. An amazing evangelist named Dan Bohi was invited to come and speak. He spoke on healing, the power of God, the full surrender to His calling, and God's charge to all Christians. The 2 day revival ended with a time for response. I was having weird mixed feelings throughout the entire revival... challenged by Dan's words...but somewhere disconnected. As Dan called us up to the front for response time, he of course called on the keyboard lady (that would be me) to go and play... little did I know that I would be trapped on stage for 45 minutes all alone. I didn't matter, I was helping with whatever God wanted me to do and He has given me the gift to play the keyboard so I don't mind being used by Him during worship... But I do have a small fear of having to play all by myself bc I'm so uncertain of my playing and not wanting to make a mistake.
God knew that by putting me up on that stage that He would have my full attention. I struggled at first with playing, but was able to eventually let go and let Him lead my hands across the keys... this allowed my mind to become more free and more readily able to hear God's words. Remember the pursuit... God wanted me to know a deeper love, and to get there I needed to pay attention.
Again, His voice rang loud and clear these words...
"Jennifer, I love you and I ask you again. If you never have children, would I still be enough for you?"
Now God? I thought we had been through this, yes of course you would be enough.
"It is not my will for you to have children. Will you trust me?"
Will you trust me...
Somewhere in the midst of playing music, of hearing Dan Bohi's voice, or hearing the prayers and cries of my church family, a hush came over me... you know like the movies when the sound goes blank but theres buildings blowing up next to the actor and chaos erupting but all we hear is silence... that was me.
Just me and God.
And then what God was saying to me finally made sense. I realized that God was telling me my future, a small glimpse at a piece of His plan and promise for my life. And instead of being scared or afraid or mad or angry... I surrendered. I knew that there was nothing more beautiful than God revealing this part of his promise.
And in that surrender, I was also able to fully come to grips with mourning the children I had prayed for and the babies I had longed to carry within me. I decided that night that I wanted to chose obedience and trust. My first act after that night was to sit Robert down (he was not present for the revival as he was in charge of the children's gathering service that night) and I finally opened up to him about what God had told me.
I cried bc I wanted so badly to make Robert a father and to give him the children that we had talked and prayed for. He was so loving and understanding and prayed for me and for our marriage that we would understand. But more than anything we prayed that God's will be done in our lives...no matter what happened...together we surrendered.
God was pursuing a deeper relationship and a deeper commitment for His purpose. He loved me enough to pull me away from the depression and the sadness of longing for a child. As weird as that may sound, God rescued me from my deep pit of selfishness and delivered me to a new world of mystery in His love. Saying yes to trusting God and yes to believing in His words and obedience to His call means knowing that He will pull you through any heartache to the ultimate victory. God said I was not to have children according to His plan, but that didn't mean His plan didn't include happiness.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
Trust.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
When God Speaks... Listen
Early in the summer of 2012, God tried getting my attention the first time.
I had just found out another one of my close friends was expecting a baby. I came home excited and yet defeated. I remember Robert holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok, but I let my emotions get the best of me. That night we went to a prayer gathering at our church (just one night a week of prayer... and only prayer). Satan knew he had me trapped in my emotional "woah is me" state and I began to battle inside. Happiness for my friend and celebration for this new life... yet depression, anger, and sorrow. I've never liked being the Debbie Downer person, but again the enemy knew how to capitalize on the moment and drag me further down the road of despair.
That is until God had had enough.
I can still remember The Voice, His Voice, and the exact words He spoke to me.
"Jennifer, if I never give you children, would I still be enough for you?"
Wow.
Was God serious? Of course He would be enough! But what was that first part... surely He didn't mean what he said, I mean I love God and I trust Him, but that word "never" in there seems out of place...
Yet God did mean what He said and to confirm this He said it again.
"Jennifer, would you still love me if I never gave you children."
Call it His greatest promise to me or my worst nightmare, either way... He had my attention...
At least part of it.
Being the good Christian person that I am, I pledged my love for God and my commitment to His calling on my life and vowed to be a happier person around my workplace, friends, family, and church.
The months went on and I do want to say that I was a bit more cheerful around others, I tried to not let my infertility drag me down to depression, but there was a piece inside me that continued to sting and hurt. Mine and Robert's relationship continued as normal, but I wasn't ready to give in to God's words entirely. I continued to hold my breath each month as test after test came back negative. I would try to stay positive on those days, but I couldn't help think that God was whispering His words to me the whole time.
God wasn't being an unloving and hateful or hurtful God like some would think with His words. He knew what was best for my life, He knew the plan He had for Robert and I, and He knew what path our future would take... a path I could never have imagined for myself, but that now I can't imagine not living through.
The pain and the hurt were just a small part of His agenda, and God doesn't like it when we hurt. Just like a mother hurts for her child, our Heavenly Father hurts with us. But just like learning the stove is hot and we shouldn't touch it as a child, we have to learn that a little pain brings about an abundance of blessings. We just have to be willing to withstand the hurt for God to show us the beauty behind it all.
I leave you with another verse...
Hebrews 10:35-36
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
I had just found out another one of my close friends was expecting a baby. I came home excited and yet defeated. I remember Robert holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok, but I let my emotions get the best of me. That night we went to a prayer gathering at our church (just one night a week of prayer... and only prayer). Satan knew he had me trapped in my emotional "woah is me" state and I began to battle inside. Happiness for my friend and celebration for this new life... yet depression, anger, and sorrow. I've never liked being the Debbie Downer person, but again the enemy knew how to capitalize on the moment and drag me further down the road of despair.
That is until God had had enough.
I can still remember The Voice, His Voice, and the exact words He spoke to me.
"Jennifer, if I never give you children, would I still be enough for you?"
Wow.
Was God serious? Of course He would be enough! But what was that first part... surely He didn't mean what he said, I mean I love God and I trust Him, but that word "never" in there seems out of place...
Yet God did mean what He said and to confirm this He said it again.
"Jennifer, would you still love me if I never gave you children."
Call it His greatest promise to me or my worst nightmare, either way... He had my attention...
At least part of it.
Being the good Christian person that I am, I pledged my love for God and my commitment to His calling on my life and vowed to be a happier person around my workplace, friends, family, and church.
The months went on and I do want to say that I was a bit more cheerful around others, I tried to not let my infertility drag me down to depression, but there was a piece inside me that continued to sting and hurt. Mine and Robert's relationship continued as normal, but I wasn't ready to give in to God's words entirely. I continued to hold my breath each month as test after test came back negative. I would try to stay positive on those days, but I couldn't help think that God was whispering His words to me the whole time.
God wasn't being an unloving and hateful or hurtful God like some would think with His words. He knew what was best for my life, He knew the plan He had for Robert and I, and He knew what path our future would take... a path I could never have imagined for myself, but that now I can't imagine not living through.
The pain and the hurt were just a small part of His agenda, and God doesn't like it when we hurt. Just like a mother hurts for her child, our Heavenly Father hurts with us. But just like learning the stove is hot and we shouldn't touch it as a child, we have to learn that a little pain brings about an abundance of blessings. We just have to be willing to withstand the hurt for God to show us the beauty behind it all.
I leave you with another verse...
Hebrews 10:35-36
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
To Endings and New Beginnings
I realize it has been almost a year since I have written, but sometimes you have to pull away from something until its time to come back. With all that has transpired in my life over the past few months, I can't stay quiet. God has been so faithful and gracious in mine and Robert's marriage and future that its time I use the lessons He's given to help others and provide encouragement for people in all walks of life. Please bear with me as I pour out my heart and the deepest desires of my soul as well as the things that God is continuing to show me daily. This path towards God's plan and purpose for my life has been heartbreaking, breathtaking, overwhelming, and beautiful.
First of all, I am nothing without Christ. My whole life and everything in it is His alone.
Secondly, just bc God may say no to you, doesn't mean that His promises aren't true.
Remember when you were young and you dreamed of your future... go off to college... find the perfect Godly guy... marry him... start a career... buy a house... have children... travel and enjoy your blessings... retire...
And your life starts out that way... I found my man in high school... I went off to A&M... graduated... got married... went to graduate school... started my career... bought a house... and then it came time that we were ready to have children. I honestly hate when people say "once you stop trying to have children and relax you will have them." I don't mean to be rude... but sometimes you don't know what that person is going through or that maybe, just maybe, they aren't able to or meant to have children.
But the desire was still there.
I finally got to the point where the greedy green monster of jealousy and frustration overtook me at every turn. I wanted to be a mother more than anything, but I also wanted what God wanted for my life... unfortunately I tried to make God's will what mine was bc surely what I wanted was what He wanted, right?
I am embarrassed to say how much I began to resent my facebook newsfeed and receiving word over and over about which ones of my friends were pregnant and I wasn't. I love my friends and trust me when I say that I prayed for you all and your sweet children, but my faith was being shaken and I didn't know how my world wasn't playing out how I always dreamed.
Its crazy how much you can strive to follow God and His plan for you... all the while manipulating "His direction" for your gain. Thats exactly what I was doing and I was letting anger and a depression that I kept denying to reign instead of my gracious Heavenly Father. Luckily, He never turned His back on me. In fact He was trying everything to get my attention. But I chose to ignore and hide behind my wavering faith and act like everything was ok.
This post is getting long and I promise to finish my story and to update all of you on the current status of our new path in life, but I have to get through these rough details and be raw with you, raw with God.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.
First of all, I am nothing without Christ. My whole life and everything in it is His alone.
Secondly, just bc God may say no to you, doesn't mean that His promises aren't true.
Remember when you were young and you dreamed of your future... go off to college... find the perfect Godly guy... marry him... start a career... buy a house... have children... travel and enjoy your blessings... retire...
And your life starts out that way... I found my man in high school... I went off to A&M... graduated... got married... went to graduate school... started my career... bought a house... and then it came time that we were ready to have children. I honestly hate when people say "once you stop trying to have children and relax you will have them." I don't mean to be rude... but sometimes you don't know what that person is going through or that maybe, just maybe, they aren't able to or meant to have children.
But the desire was still there.
I finally got to the point where the greedy green monster of jealousy and frustration overtook me at every turn. I wanted to be a mother more than anything, but I also wanted what God wanted for my life... unfortunately I tried to make God's will what mine was bc surely what I wanted was what He wanted, right?
I am embarrassed to say how much I began to resent my facebook newsfeed and receiving word over and over about which ones of my friends were pregnant and I wasn't. I love my friends and trust me when I say that I prayed for you all and your sweet children, but my faith was being shaken and I didn't know how my world wasn't playing out how I always dreamed.
Its crazy how much you can strive to follow God and His plan for you... all the while manipulating "His direction" for your gain. Thats exactly what I was doing and I was letting anger and a depression that I kept denying to reign instead of my gracious Heavenly Father. Luckily, He never turned His back on me. In fact He was trying everything to get my attention. But I chose to ignore and hide behind my wavering faith and act like everything was ok.
This post is getting long and I promise to finish my story and to update all of you on the current status of our new path in life, but I have to get through these rough details and be raw with you, raw with God.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.
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