Early in the summer of 2012, God tried getting my attention the first time.
I had just found out another one of my close friends was expecting a baby. I came home excited and yet defeated. I remember Robert holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok, but I let my emotions get the best of me. That night we went to a prayer gathering at our church (just one night a week of prayer... and only prayer). Satan knew he had me trapped in my emotional "woah is me" state and I began to battle inside. Happiness for my friend and celebration for this new life... yet depression, anger, and sorrow. I've never liked being the Debbie Downer person, but again the enemy knew how to capitalize on the moment and drag me further down the road of despair.
That is until God had had enough.
I can still remember The Voice, His Voice, and the exact words He spoke to me.
"Jennifer, if I never give you children, would I still be enough for you?"
Was God serious? Of course He would be enough! But what was that first part... surely He didn't mean what he said, I mean I love God and I trust Him, but that word "never" in there seems out of place...
Yet God did mean what He said and to confirm this He said it again.
"Jennifer, would you still love me if I never gave you children."
Call it His greatest promise to me or my worst nightmare, either way... He had my attention...
At least part of it.
Being the good Christian person that I am, I pledged my love for God and my commitment to His calling on my life and vowed to be a happier person around my workplace, friends, family, and church.
The months went on and I do want to say that I was a bit more cheerful around others, I tried to not let my infertility drag me down to depression, but there was a piece inside me that continued to sting and hurt. Mine and Robert's relationship continued as normal, but I wasn't ready to give in to God's words entirely. I continued to hold my breath each month as test after test came back negative. I would try to stay positive on those days, but I couldn't help think that God was whispering His words to me the whole time.
God wasn't being an unloving and hateful or hurtful God like some would think with His words. He knew what was best for my life, He knew the plan He had for Robert and I, and He knew what path our future would take... a path I could never have imagined for myself, but that now I can't imagine not living through.
The pain and the hurt were just a small part of His agenda, and God doesn't like it when we hurt. Just like a mother hurts for her child, our Heavenly Father hurts with us. But just like learning the stove is hot and we shouldn't touch it as a child, we have to learn that a little pain brings about an abundance of blessings. We just have to be willing to withstand the hurt for God to show us the beauty behind it all.
I leave you with another verse...
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.