Moving on from the realization that our dreams had just taken a drastic change was hard at first, but happily peaceful. The most challenging thing was spreading the word to our family and close friends... the people who were pulling for us to be parents and were I think the most in anticipation for us to have kids. I can't say thank you enough to those friends who shared in the shedding of healing tears and for all the encouragement that we received. Having to be open and bear my soul out loud instead of keeping my "secret" inside was harder than you know. Still harder was all the times that I was asked "when are you going to have kids?" to which I would have to decide do I share the whole truth or just my simple answer of "whenever God wants." The truth was that I knew God was telling me that I had to trust Him and if He ever wanted to decide to give me kids, then it would be from Him and He would show me the way. I had to learn to die to my self (my desires, my wants) daily, and to pick up my cross (trusting in Him) and follow Christ.
And follow Christ is what I strove to do.
Naturally when someone is tested for or has an experience of infertility their mind drifts towards other ways to have children. Personally, (and this is just my opinion and what I know is right for me) I do not believe in artificial insemination or fertility treatments or the like to become pregnant. It just seems unnatural to me and not something that I feel God has called me to do. That being said, I had many questions about what we were gonna do next to create or obtain a child. This didn't offend me, but it made me uncomfortable. I still was mourning the loss of the pregnancy that I would never have and didn't want to think about the alternatives at that time.
But one word kept popping up in my mind...
I mean this word was everywhere! On TV, ads on facebook (which are annoying fyi), in articles I read, in the news... adoption was everywhere. You know like when you buy a new car and then all you see on the road is the exact same car you purchased... adoption was everywhere I looked. Robert and I really didn't talk to much about this until I decided one day to go to Mardel and just look at books on adoption. I had heard about a book from a friend and decided to check it out. Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore
After starting the book I knew it was time to talk to Robert.
Things kept adding up in my mind and through prayer I was given more and more signs pointing at adoption.
I will never forget that day, a Saturday in the cool winter air of 2012, when Robert and I were pulling up to a local restaurant for lunch. I had felt it was the right time and so I said "Robert, I want to talk to you about something."
He looked at me curiously, but then his expression changed as if God had whispered my thoughts in his ears and he said" Yes we should."
"Yes we should what?" I responded.
"Yes, we should talk about adoption."
Ok, God you must really be in this! After never having said anything to him about it... and he didn't know about the book yet, he mentions it out of the blue :)
So adoption. Could this be the path we would take? The path to a family, to some dream and plan that God had prepared a long time ago for us.
Yes... oh yes it could.
I wish I could quote some things from the book, but I gave the book to a friend. Russell Moore leads the way through he and his wife struggling with infertility, then coming to the decision to adopt, and their journey to adopt two small boys from Russia. He gives advice for families considering adoption or who are in adoption, how to deal with questions, things to consider before making a decision, and the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly about the adoption process. He also relates adoption back to our spiritual adoption through Christ and how important it is for Christians and churches to band together and become better advocates for adoption. I actually would read this book while working out on my elliptical in the morning and one day it brought me to tears so thick that I basically fell off the machine... hidden camera would have won us millions I'm sure. Lol! This book is the place to start if you know someone who is going through adoption or if you are considering adoption yourself.
I will update you more and more on our adoption story in the next few posts. It hasn't been an easy ride, but its one worth rejoicing over :)
Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."