Monday, September 7, 2015

A Different Kind of Conversation

Let me start this out by saying that kids in general are just funny. They make you pull out your hair and sometimes scream or bulge out your eyes a bit, but then they do the funniest and sweetest things that just melt your heart and make you want to pull them closer.

And they ask some random questions too, don't they! Our little E, does ask us some pretty far out there things. Lately we have just been pointing to her brain region as a symbol for her to try and use her own good senses to answer the question. So now she has started trying to point at her own brain to see if she can get it to start working haha! W usually just gives me these weird confused looks, shrugs his shoulders, and walks away, hehe. Kids ARE funny and are so curious.

This brings me to this particular topic that has always scratched the surface in our home and until recently has always just been pushed to the side. The topic of their first mom, birth mom, other mom... Whatever term you want to use.

It's awkward to talk about her. I really don't understand my feelings toward her and I've never even met her. I believe a lady named Jenny Stotts wrote a short blog about the love/hate relationship she feels for her sons birth mom. I shared this recently on Facebook but she basically says that she hates her (his birth mom) when he cries uncontrollably or says he hurts or when he gets a bad medical diagnosis... But then she says she loves her for the child she birthed and the way he hugs her neck and smiles. What a confusing mess of emotions! And I totally get her!
I've seen just a handful of pictures of the kids' mom. And every time I find myself overcome with anger and hate. Yes hate is such a strong word, but I'm being honest. I usually avoid all talk of their mom if I can. My usual response is oh say a prayer for her and then let's go get cookies! I just can't bring myself to face her as a subject yet with the kids.
The other part of me, the God part, takes a more reasonable stance and thinks "forgiveness". I have prayed and had many long talks with God about forgiving this woman and I don't know if I'm totally there yet but I'm really close. (Please remember we are still less than 2 years into this).

It's just hard to wrap my mind up in it. I'm mad (let's not say hate) at her every time the kids don't understand something that is so obvious, or when they get so uncontrollably angry at the smallest things, or how my daughter can't sit still or be in control of her actions unless medicated. I'm mad at her for the memories they carry with them from the day they were taken from her and the cold emptiness my son shows when someone brings her up in conversation. I'm mad that it hurts them to have class assignments about family heritage (although they have done so good with really adopting our family and its history as their own), or when someone has a baby shower and my little girl asks me if her mom had one of these for her. I'm mad whenever I see reports of other women being arrested for neglecting their child bc all I can see is my kids' mom on that report and her name and her face. I'm mad that she got the first years of their life and took it all for granted as she signed them away to a stranger. It's maddening really.

But I also appreciate her for choosing life instead of abortion. I love her for realizing she wasn't able to be the best mom for these kids and for having the courage to sign her rights away for them to have a better home. I love her for providing me the chance to be a mom even if it has come with all these tears. I appreciate her for giving me these beings with their little hands and little feet. Yes it's hard most days to just forgive and try to forget what choices she made and how it so impacted my kids' lives... But who am I to throw a stone at her for her sin when I have sin of my own! She is to be loved, though it may take me a little longer to get there fully, she is to be loved.

So all this was brought out of me on Friday night. We had the kids in the car and W was talking about how happy he was for his friend whose aunt just got out of jail. {as soon as anyone talks about jail or prison or whatever it immediately makes E uncomfortable}. So E says "I wonder if our mom is still in jail?"
My poor W just sighs and says how he doesn't care. This is followed by some awkward silence and other parts of the conversation that I can't say, but how much hurt there is makes it hard to love someone who put that hurt there, especially when it's your child that hurts. All I want is for someday my kids to be able to say "it's ok, I forgive her."
Adoption is not easy, but so worth it. We just have to go through some different kinds of conversations.

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
‭‭John‬ ‭8:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬