Sunday, March 30, 2014

Count your Blessings

Sorry for the lack of updates... I'm trying to Facebook some things that are important along the way, but when it comes down to spending time with the kids or Robert vs posting a blog or fb post... Family wins everytime.

March has been a season of growth in our household. There have been some very bad and testy moments as well as some very good and enjoyable moments. The kids are showing that they are trying to have more manners and to obey more instead of be disciplined. There has been an increase in yes ma'ams and yes sirs, etc... As well as much quieter moments in the home... And believe me these kids are usually just loud so quiet is welcomed!
Waylon may still not be the best kid at school, but his teachers have noted that they are seeing a difference in him. We still get our usual phone calls and emails about his behavior, but again he is trying to do better and that's all that matters. Elva as sweet as she is has tried to test her limits lately but we are finding what works best for her (removing toys from her room)  and we are seeing a big difference in the atmosphere of our home.

I am happy to say that we are moving forward up this mountain. The enemy of this world is still going to be fighting hard for these kids' souls and we have seen that struggle at home and at church. I refuse to give into a spiritual being that will never be superior to my God and no matter what he tries to throw at me, I will choose to love these  children!  Yes, despite the good things happening, I still find myself crying  at ransoms times and random moments... Only now the tears aren't from desperation they are from an overwhelming realization that God is weaving our family together. Perfectly knit from His hands, the things we have dreamed about are coming to life... And that is enough to bring tears to my eyes. I only wish that my grandparents who have gone on to Heaven could meet Elva and Waylon. They would have loved them and have been loved back, but on the other side of Heaven  I know they will get to play and meet under Gods light.

One thing Robert and I are trying to do is talk more about our favorite moments with the kids. If anyone is going through the same thing as us or about to increase their family, I would say take time to look for your favorite moments with each child. I feel that I get so caught up in making sure I have my home and my work and the kids stuff together next to worrying about if they are going to explode into a fit any second... That I forget to just stop and look at all the cute and wonderful things they do.
Waylon is so creative, he just needs a little push to expand his mind and then, woah, watch out bc he will surprise you! I love when he makes things out of mud and wants to give them as gifts to me. I love when he wants to lay by me and have his back rubbed. I love that he will now walk into the kitchen or living room where I am just to give me a hug and say that he loves me. (Melt my heart) I love coming home and jumping on the trampoline with him (although I don't last long bc it's tiring) and he wants to wrestle and laugh and smiles Soo big that no matter how much my legs burn I would stay out there forever for him to laugh. I  love the  way he and Elva make up goofy games at the table... They pick a number that you can't say (like 5) Nd then they take turns counting upwards until someone messes up and says the forbidden number on accident. It's quite amazing  although sometimes annoying haha. I love when Elva sits down at the coffee table with all  her markers, scissors, glue, and paper and begins to create. I love when she lets me hold her, even though she is 7, I just want to hold her to make up for all the times I didn't get to. I love getting to do her hair in the morning and night. I love her loud squeaky laugh. I love when she dances and her legs and arms move a million miles an hour. I love getting to kiss her goodnight and just lay next to her and tell her how precious she is to me. I love when she gets cuddly after she has been in trouble and she just wants to hug me and not let go. I love when she looks up from working on something and she says "momma, I love you." (Melt my heart again!).

I am finally to that place where I feel like I'm earning the title mom... Where they are trusting us enough and opening up more and more about their past and sharing the things that makes them sad... Where they want us to comfort them and they actually don't want to dissappoint us but they still feel conflicted with so many emotions... Where I feel sad and get upset when I have to spend a day away from them for whatever reason... Where Gods blessings are becoming real and thought it is so far from perfect, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I also can't wait till  I can post pictures!! Elva turned 7 in mid March and we had the wonderful disaster of having a party at chuck e cheese. We had a lot of church friends and family join us which was awesome and although it was chaotic and stressful for myself, the kids had fun and that's all that matters. Plus, I may have mentioned to the guy in charge that this was my first birthday party ever... He looked very confused... So I had to explain that we adopted the kids and yada yada... So later when Elva was in the ticket blaster, she didn't grab the 1000 ticket pass... And the guy handed it to her... Her eyes got huge! Haha. She got a lot of artsy craftsy and Barbie things which she adores. And Waylon had a hard time with the fact that he didn't get any presents but we tried to let him have some special privileges.

Spring break was interesting as we didn't have anyone to watch the kids (who we wanted to torture by letting them) so they got really familiar with hanging out at the church with daddy. It was boring most of the time but but we tried to let them have fun at night to make up for it.

Currently I am sitting in a hotel room with Waylon next to me watching animal planet and snuggling while Elva is singing in the shower. It's so cool how things have changed and how much the nerves have been replaced with smiles. We are closer and closer to becoming a family. Thanks to our
prayer warriors, we pray you each are overwhelmed with extra blessings for your generosity of thinking of us. Till next time, count your blessings, everyday!

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with JOY in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (Psalm 16:11 NIV)

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Our New Reality

Disclaimer: this post may have a ton of run on sentences and ... Those things, but again I never claimed to be a writer or an English major. I'm bearing my soul here and in all honesty these words don't even give justice to what's truly in my heart... But somehow the words get jumbled between my heart and my typing fingers.
No matter what you are about to read please know: we are fine. In the worst of the worst moments I pray and then I feel led to write so welcome to my therapy session... This is just my new reality.

So I'm not going to lie that we have had us a hard week at home. The years and effects of bad parenting and poor role modeling seem to be magnified in our faces more and more each week and it's utterly exhausting. Finding and offering healing to these kids can't happen soon enough. Yes, there is evidence of some progress, but every few steps we take forward, we seem to take a giant tumble backwards and then it's slow to regain our steps. It's still weird to be called "mom" and it's weird to talk about my two kids bc it's only been a little over 2 months. I wish everything would snap into place like it would if you have a biological child or adopt a baby... But that's not our reality. My reality is one of severe anxiety (and I literally thought I was having a heart attack the other day bc my anxiety got so bad... But then again we were at a basketball game and I just get roared up)... But anyways, my reality is one of not knowing how each minute or hour is going to turn out, not knowing if I am going to have a smile or tears, of doing my hardest to not cross the line and to follow the instruction that's been given to us about how to deal with behavior, it's about not knowing what to say or do but knowing that you somehow love these children and you want to help them, protect them, care for them. It's bursting into tears at night for no apparent reason except it just feels right and it's the only thing that heals the cracks in your heart from the day. It's dreading Thursdays bc those seem to always be the worst days. It's having so many emotions that you just want to bottle them up but there isn't a container big enough in this world to handle them (except in Gods world but He always seems to get all my junk piled up at once and He so graciously takes it)... It is wanting to have a better answer for people that's a blank state when they ask "how are you and your new family?" It is waking up everyday and praying to the only one who truly understands me and asking Him to fill me with the love I need to carry on and the strength to hold it together. It is wanting and praying for happy moments, hour by hour, and when they are happy times you say a silent prayer of thanks and relief, but when they aren't you fall to your knees again and again and you lay hands on your child and you just have to get out of the way so God can step in. It's taking every opportunity to tell them that you love them, no matter what they do or say, bc they just don't truly believe you yet and they have been hurt so many times before that how can they know you will be different... It's ignoring the hurtful things they say when they are mad. It is wanting to admit that everything is ok when most days things just aren't ok and while that may make you want to give up and say this isn't worth it at all and it's not fair, God keeps reminding you that He has ordained this family and He is redeeming these kids and He is the one who hears all the words and sees all our tears and He is the one who created them and that no matter what... These are my kids and God is working in them.
It's so hard to see that sometimes and it seems that most recently we have entered into this phase of severe rebellion and anger and I can fight it all I want or I can accept that they will have to go through this in order to truly become part of our family.

Just tonight I told Waylon as we were snuggling before bedtime, that I was so glad God gave him to me bc he we meant to be in my family... No matter what and wether he likes us or not... To which he replied," well, not that this will happen, but what if one of us says no?"
I said, " I will fight for you Waylon as long as I love bc you are my son. I will never stop fighting for you and loving you."
I don't say that to brag or show off (bc it's not my words but Gods anyway)... But to say that I know the really long paragraph above with all the run on sentences sounds real negative and depressing, but nothing is going to change my heart from wanting these children. We did after all pray our guts out for these two and we did wait like what seemed an eternity for them... No, I will not give up on them or stop loving them bc of something they do or say of threaten or yada yada. I believe in the end prize... A family covered under Gods love and blessing.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26