Tuesday, September 10, 2013

To Endings and New Beginnings

I realize it has been almost a year since I have written, but sometimes you have to pull away from something until its time to come back. With all that has transpired in my life over the past few months, I can't stay quiet. God has been so faithful and gracious in mine and Robert's marriage and future that its time I use the lessons He's given to help others and provide encouragement for people in all walks of life. Please bear with me as I pour out my heart and the deepest desires of my soul as well as the things that God is continuing to show me daily. This path towards God's plan and purpose for my life has been heartbreaking, breathtaking, overwhelming, and beautiful.

First of all, I am nothing without Christ. My whole life and everything in it is His alone.
Secondly, just bc God may say no to you, doesn't mean that His promises aren't true.

Remember when you were young and you dreamed of your future... go off to college... find the perfect Godly guy... marry him... start a career... buy a house... have children... travel and enjoy your blessings... retire...
And your life starts out that way... I found my man in high school... I went off to A&M... graduated... got married... went to graduate school... started my career... bought a house... and then it came time that we were ready to have children. I honestly hate when people say "once you stop trying to have children and relax you will have them." I don't mean to be rude... but sometimes you don't know what that person is going through or that maybe, just maybe, they aren't able to or meant to have children.

But the desire was still there.

I finally got to the point where the greedy green monster of jealousy and frustration overtook me at every turn. I wanted to be a mother more than anything, but I also wanted what God wanted for my life... unfortunately I tried to make God's will what mine was bc surely what I wanted was what He wanted, right?
I am embarrassed to say how much I began to resent my facebook newsfeed and receiving word over and over about which ones of my friends were pregnant and I wasn't. I love my friends and trust me when I say that I prayed for you all and your sweet children, but my faith was being shaken and I didn't know how my world wasn't playing out how I always dreamed. 

Its crazy how much you can strive to follow God and His plan for you... all the while manipulating "His direction" for your gain. Thats exactly what I was doing and I was letting anger and a depression that I kept denying to reign instead of my gracious Heavenly Father. Luckily, He never turned His back on me. In fact He was trying everything to get my attention. But I chose to ignore and hide behind my wavering faith and act like everything was ok.

This post is getting long and I promise to finish my story and to update all of you on the current status of our new path in life, but I have to get through these rough details and be raw with you, raw with God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.

1 comment:

Molly said...

Thank you so much for sharing your journey and being so honest. You're such an encouragement to me and I MISS YOU! Let's get together soon!