Throughout this journey, God has been merciful. One message that keeps creeping into many sermons that I've heard is that God pursues us in His love. He pursues us... He never gives up on us... He goes after us, no matter how far away we go... He loves us so ferociously that He wants us to have that intimate relationship with Him, so He chases after us... that is the full measure of God's love.
And just when I thought I was barely hanging on and coasting through each day, God was ready to show me how He was pursuing me...
After accepting but not wanting to deal with God's words about my childless future, I fell once again into a mask of "everythings fine". That was until God rocked my world again.
August 2012 brought on a spiritual revival for our church. An amazing evangelist named Dan Bohi was invited to come and speak. He spoke on healing, the power of God, the full surrender to His calling, and God's charge to all Christians. The 2 day revival ended with a time for response. I was having weird mixed feelings throughout the entire revival... challenged by Dan's words...but somewhere disconnected. As Dan called us up to the front for response time, he of course called on the keyboard lady (that would be me) to go and play... little did I know that I would be trapped on stage for 45 minutes all alone. I didn't matter, I was helping with whatever God wanted me to do and He has given me the gift to play the keyboard so I don't mind being used by Him during worship... But I do have a small fear of having to play all by myself bc I'm so uncertain of my playing and not wanting to make a mistake.
God knew that by putting me up on that stage that He would have my full attention. I struggled at first with playing, but was able to eventually let go and let Him lead my hands across the keys... this allowed my mind to become more free and more readily able to hear God's words. Remember the pursuit... God wanted me to know a deeper love, and to get there I needed to pay attention.
Again, His voice rang loud and clear these words...
"Jennifer, I love you and I ask you again. If you never have children, would I still be enough for you?"
Now God? I thought we had been through this, yes of course you would be enough.
"It is not my will for you to have children. Will you trust me?"
Will you trust me...
Somewhere in the midst of playing music, of hearing Dan Bohi's voice, or hearing the prayers and cries of my church family, a hush came over me... you know like the movies when the sound goes blank but theres buildings blowing up next to the actor and chaos erupting but all we hear is silence... that was me.
Just me and God.
And then what God was saying to me finally made sense. I realized that God was telling me my future, a small glimpse at a piece of His plan and promise for my life. And instead of being scared or afraid or mad or angry... I surrendered. I knew that there was nothing more beautiful than God revealing this part of his promise.
And in that surrender, I was also able to fully come to grips with mourning the children I had prayed for and the babies I had longed to carry within me. I decided that night that I wanted to chose obedience and trust. My first act after that night was to sit Robert down (he was not present for the revival as he was in charge of the children's gathering service that night) and I finally opened up to him about what God had told me.
I cried bc I wanted so badly to make Robert a father and to give him the children that we had talked and prayed for. He was so loving and understanding and prayed for me and for our marriage that we would understand. But more than anything we prayed that God's will be done in our lives...no matter what happened...together we surrendered.
God was pursuing a deeper relationship and a deeper commitment for His purpose. He loved me enough to pull me away from the depression and the sadness of longing for a child. As weird as that may sound, God rescued me from my deep pit of selfishness and delivered me to a new world of mystery in His love. Saying yes to trusting God and yes to believing in His words and obedience to His call means knowing that He will pull you through any heartache to the ultimate victory. God said I was not to have children according to His plan, but that didn't mean His plan didn't include happiness.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.