Trust.

Throughout this journey, God has been merciful. One message that keeps creeping into many sermons that I've heard is that God pursues us in His love. He pursues us... He never gives up on us... He goes after us, no matter how far away we go... He loves us so ferociously that He wants us to have that intimate relationship with Him, so He chases after us... that is the full measure of God's love.
And just when I thought I was barely hanging on and coasting through each day, God was ready to show me how He was pursuing me...

After accepting but not wanting to deal with God's words about my childless future, I fell once again into a mask of "everythings fine". That was until God rocked my world again.

August 2012 brought on a spiritual revival for our church. An amazing evangelist named Dan Bohi was invited to come and speak. He spoke on healing, the power of God, the full surrender to His calling, and God's charge to all Christians. The 2 day revival ended with a time for response. I was having weird mixed feelings throughout the entire revival... challenged by Dan's words...but somewhere disconnected. As Dan called us up to the front for response time, he of course called on the keyboard lady (that would be me) to go and play... little did I know that I would be trapped on stage for 45 minutes all alone. I didn't matter, I was helping with whatever God wanted me to do and He has given me the gift to play the keyboard so I don't mind being used by Him during worship... But I do have a small fear of having to play all by myself bc I'm so uncertain of my playing and not wanting to make a mistake.

God knew that by putting me up on that stage that He would have my full attention. I struggled at first with playing, but was able to eventually let go and let Him lead my hands across the keys... this allowed my mind to become more free and more readily able to hear God's words. Remember the pursuit... God wanted me to know a deeper love, and to get there I needed to pay attention.

Again, His voice rang loud and clear these words...

"Jennifer, I love you and I ask you again. If you never have children, would I still be enough for you?"

Now God? I thought we had been through this, yes of course you would be enough.

"It is not my will for you to have children. Will you trust me?"
Will you trust me...

Somewhere in the midst of playing music, of hearing Dan Bohi's voice, or hearing the prayers and cries of my church family, a hush came over me... you know like the movies when the sound goes blank but theres buildings blowing up next to the actor and chaos erupting but all we hear is silence... that was me.
Just me and God.

And then what God was saying to me finally made sense. I realized that God was telling me my future, a small glimpse at a piece of His plan and promise for my life. And instead of being scared or afraid or mad or angry... I surrendered. I knew that there was nothing more beautiful than God revealing this part of his promise.
And in that surrender, I was also able to fully come to grips with mourning the children I had prayed for and the babies I had longed to carry within me. I decided that night that I wanted to chose obedience and trust. My first act after that night was to sit Robert down (he was not present for the revival as he was in charge of the children's gathering service that night) and I finally opened up to him about what God had told me.

I cried bc I wanted so badly to make Robert a father and to give him the children that we had talked and prayed for. He was so loving and understanding and prayed for me and for our marriage that we would understand. But more than anything we prayed that God's will be done in our lives...no matter what happened...together we surrendered.

God was pursuing a deeper relationship and a deeper commitment for His purpose. He loved me enough to pull me away from the depression and the sadness of longing for a child. As weird as that may sound, God rescued me from my deep pit of selfishness and delivered me to a new world of mystery in His love. Saying yes to trusting God and yes to believing in His words and obedience to His call means knowing that He will pull you through any heartache to the ultimate victory. God said I was not to have children according to His plan, but that didn't mean His plan didn't include happiness.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Trust.

When God Speaks... Listen

Early in the summer of 2012, God tried getting my attention the first time.

I had just found out another one of my close friends was expecting a baby. I came home excited and yet defeated. I remember Robert holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok, but I let my emotions get the best of me. That night we went to a prayer gathering at our church (just one night a week of prayer... and only prayer). Satan knew he had me trapped in my emotional "woah is me" state and I began to battle inside. Happiness for my friend and celebration for this new life... yet depression, anger, and sorrow. I've never liked being the Debbie Downer person, but again the enemy knew how to capitalize on the moment and drag me further down the road of despair.
That is until God had had enough.
 I can still remember The Voice, His Voice, and the exact words He spoke to me.

"Jennifer, if I never give you children, would I still be enough for you?"

Wow.

Was God serious? Of course He would be enough! But what was that first part... surely He didn't mean what he said, I mean I love God and I trust Him, but that word "never" in there seems out of place...
 Yet God did mean what He said and to confirm this He said it again.

 "Jennifer, would you still love me if I never gave you children."

Call it His greatest promise to me or my worst nightmare, either way... He had my attention...
At least part of it. 
Being the good Christian person that I am, I pledged my love for God and my commitment to His calling on my life and vowed to be a happier person around my workplace, friends, family, and church.

The months went on and I do want to say that I was a bit more cheerful around others, I tried to not let my infertility drag me down to depression, but there was a piece inside me that continued to sting and hurt. Mine and Robert's relationship continued as normal, but I wasn't ready to give in to God's words entirely. I continued to hold my breath each month as test after test came back negative. I would try to stay positive on those days, but I couldn't help think that God was whispering His words to me the whole time.

God wasn't being an unloving and hateful or hurtful God like some would think with His words. He knew what was best for my life, He knew the plan He had for Robert and I, and He knew what path our future would take... a path I could never have imagined for myself, but that now I can't imagine not living through.
The pain and the hurt were just a small part of His agenda, and God doesn't like it when we hurt. Just like a mother hurts for her child, our Heavenly Father hurts with us. But just like learning the stove is hot and we shouldn't touch it as a child, we have to learn that a little pain brings about an abundance of blessings. We just have to be willing to withstand the hurt for God to show us the beauty behind it all.

I leave you with another verse...

Hebrews 10:35-36
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
 

To Endings and New Beginnings

I realize it has been almost a year since I have written, but sometimes you have to pull away from something until its time to come back. With all that has transpired in my life over the past few months, I can't stay quiet. God has been so faithful and gracious in mine and Robert's marriage and future that its time I use the lessons He's given to help others and provide encouragement for people in all walks of life. Please bear with me as I pour out my heart and the deepest desires of my soul as well as the things that God is continuing to show me daily. This path towards God's plan and purpose for my life has been heartbreaking, breathtaking, overwhelming, and beautiful.

First of all, I am nothing without Christ. My whole life and everything in it is His alone.
Secondly, just bc God may say no to you, doesn't mean that His promises aren't true.

Remember when you were young and you dreamed of your future... go off to college... find the perfect Godly guy... marry him... start a career... buy a house... have children... travel and enjoy your blessings... retire...
And your life starts out that way... I found my man in high school... I went off to A&M... graduated... got married... went to graduate school... started my career... bought a house... and then it came time that we were ready to have children. I honestly hate when people say "once you stop trying to have children and relax you will have them." I don't mean to be rude... but sometimes you don't know what that person is going through or that maybe, just maybe, they aren't able to or meant to have children.

But the desire was still there.

I finally got to the point where the greedy green monster of jealousy and frustration overtook me at every turn. I wanted to be a mother more than anything, but I also wanted what God wanted for my life... unfortunately I tried to make God's will what mine was bc surely what I wanted was what He wanted, right?
I am embarrassed to say how much I began to resent my facebook newsfeed and receiving word over and over about which ones of my friends were pregnant and I wasn't. I love my friends and trust me when I say that I prayed for you all and your sweet children, but my faith was being shaken and I didn't know how my world wasn't playing out how I always dreamed. 

Its crazy how much you can strive to follow God and His plan for you... all the while manipulating "His direction" for your gain. Thats exactly what I was doing and I was letting anger and a depression that I kept denying to reign instead of my gracious Heavenly Father. Luckily, He never turned His back on me. In fact He was trying everything to get my attention. But I chose to ignore and hide behind my wavering faith and act like everything was ok.

This post is getting long and I promise to finish my story and to update all of you on the current status of our new path in life, but I have to get through these rough details and be raw with you, raw with God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.

It is so fall!

Soooo today I took one of my patients outside in our courtyard at work... he has autism and likes to run around and hide in the playhouses... while keeping him contained I found a HUGE pile of Crunchy leaves behind one of the houses... and I went crazy stomping! I love crunching leaves! It means fall is really here which makes me super happy. I think God gets really creative with the scenery in fall with all the warm colors :) I hope no one was watching me from administration upstairs or they seriously would have been laughing hysterically I'm sure... I almost for a second forgot I had a patient and was at work... and then he ran past me and I remembered again. Haha, Yay Fall!

Reach, Empower, and Release

I am saddened to write this blog. I had avoided it for awhile, but after the day of grieving that I had it was time to release my emotions into the world of the internet and let them finally be taken out of my head and into somewhat organized chaos.

Our church is saying goodbye to Pastor Art, who has been with us for the past 9 years, to send him and his family where God has called them, Virginia. When the Lord calls you to do something, you had better listen and do it. I'm thankful to Art and his family that they are being obedient to Christ and to the direction He has given Art for his new church and for ours, no matter what lies ahead. I am definitely going to miss him. I hate to use the word grieving over someone (who is still alive) when I'm not sad or depressed. But the fact of the matter is that I am shaken by the realization that this family who has grown so close to my heart is not going to be around anymore (at least in the physical... thank you for technology and cell phones/fb). Art has truly become a mentor to me and I look up to his wife, Lori, so much for her gentleness and leadership. His sons, Silas, who sang with me on the praise team, and Noah, who was in our youth and thus claimed as one of my children, will also be greatly missed. I have known about this transition for awhile and have been praying for God's will to be done as I never want my will to get in the way. My will would be for them to stay forever until God comes again, but God has another idea.

Always Friends

As a reminder, Art is one of the pastors who married Robert and I. He performed the first part of our ceremony, the personal part where he introduced us as the couple we were and was able to give some background on our dating relationship and how God brought us together. No other person would have been perfect for that role except for him. He and his family have seen Robert and I through many changes and trials and prayers and fun times and hard times. I feel as though his kids grew up in school as we grew up in our young adult life.

The Gathering @ Midland, Releasing our pastor on his next venture.

There are so many things I could come up with that should be or need to be said to show just what an honor it has been to be so close to this family, but I would never sleep and thats not really healthy so I will just state the facts: God is magnificent and wonderful. His timing is always perfect, our understanding will just never stand up to how creatively He crafts every detail of our life. God has big plans for Art and the church in Virginia (and we will pray for you!), and God has something "crazy cool" for The Gathering in Midland. I absolutely love this church. Not because of my pastor, but because of the people and because of the way the Holy Spirit moves through the church. I love my church because its not about what awesome building we are in or what cool programs we have... its about the heart and the obedience to the Lord that draws us together as family. O yes I will probably find myself having some other days such as today where I was feeling so strong and comforted and then I just became suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of longing and tears flowing from my eyes. Its hard to put 9 years of mentorship behind you, but I must look to Christ for the "bigger picture" and see that Spirit is moving... will continue to move and impact lives as long as I am willing to be obedient to whatever God's plan is.

Robert just couldn't let him leave without a ride on the Harley

Thank you Art, once again, for teaching me how to Reach up to Christ so I could reach out to others. Teaching me what it means to be empowered by the Spirit. and Helping me to lean on the Lord for comfort and guidance as we Release the called to fulfill their ministries.

But just so you know I have already mapped out Virginia and how close it is to my other friend in North Carolina (5 hours away) so I will be getting with Lori to plan a vacation trip for 2013 :)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

A Good Weekend

Well this weekend was definitely fun :) We took Sadie to the dog park... where she loves to run and play with the other dogs... well... she loves to play... the running with the other dogs not so much as she is still a little chunky and gets winded easily haha... poor puppy... she just meanders from one group of dogs to the other as long as they are within a short galloping distance.

We also watched the Aggies debut this weekend in the SEC... yes we lost, but it wasn't a horrible game (well the 2nd half wasn't our best but what else is new)... I was just pumped to hear all the yells, see the maroon and white, and hang out with my family of Aggies. Don't count us out yet, we just want to enjoy this year!

We have also been trying to rearrange some items in the house... pictures and room furniture... I'll try to post some pictures and see what yall think! Enjoy the week!

A Sweet Reminder

The other day Robert was looking through some books in our house to decide if he wanted them in his office at the church. He has several youth ministry books that he has accumulated over the years and it was time to put them to use with his new position as full time youth pastor. So he pulled out one specific book called "Contemplative Youth Ministry." I remember giving him this book several years ago as a present. Well...  when he opened the front cover a letter fell out. It was the letter I had given him on our 4 year dating anniversary. We had just gotten engaged in November of 2005 and the date of the letter was April 27, 2006 just 4 years after our first date in 2002. In this letter I had written how I couldn't wait until we became one in marriage and how much Robert meant to me... blah blah all the gooshy stuff... but then I wrote: "I wanted to give you something this anniversary that symbolizes my support for you and your calling from God...I know one day God is going to give you a youth group that will allow you to expand your heart to the goodness of Christ...and that God is going to bless you with the knowledge you desire."

wow. just 6 years later and God would finally provide a way for Robert to enter full time ministry as a youth pastor. An opportunity we had prayed together for since he told me of his calling to youth ministry after our first year of dating. What a sweet reminder of just how much God is in control and how he uses us for His purposes even years in advance.
And yes we do have a youth group who expands our hearts because we love them... all of you. Thank you for letting us be a part of your life :)