I've had a lot to chew on the last few days. Not physical chew but emotional and mentally. I don't ever want my kids to look back at this and be mad, but I hope they can see and hear the unending love I have for them and how much I want to choose to love them more and more through all the rough patches we've faced. And if by writing this I can help someone else cope with the circumstances they are facing then that will all the more be worth it in the end.
Now... I know I'm not the only parent who looks through their kids' journals... Yes I did it... So I can't be looked down upon too much... But I was cleaning, like epic cleaning with the trash can and clearing out drawers and bins and you name it, and it just so happened to be bookmarked and easy to open. So I read a page or two... I mean who isn't curious what their 9-10 year old son would write about... And this momma had a sudden punch to the gut kind of moment as I read the words "I miss my real mom and I HATE it."
There is so much emotion in that phrase. From longing to disappointment to rage and despair. For this little boy to write those words, how he must be hurting inside. And for this momma to read them, they cut a little deep.
I understand these feelings will be there for him and her as they get older and start to wonder more and more and as they get in trouble and start to question us and as I'm reminded that they have come from such a hard place and should not have had to go through what they have. But at the time they sure didn't add to already insecure feelings I was having. So I looked at the date of the entry and knew that it had been written during a time of unfortunate bad decisions on his part and he was on restrictions - so no wonder he was having these feelings. But for a kid who never ever talks about his past, these words were actually good. I hope he is more willing to let his emotions come out in a safe way such as this.
I didn't read everything. I was done and put the journal back where I got it from. Immediately I took it to prayer. What better thing to do but pray over his room and the journal itself. The enemy can try to use this to pull me down and even remind him of the bad, but I know that my God can use it for good.
Something I want to mention: I am totally fine and I mean it! I get a lot of lovely messages after post these things that it'll be ok and that people are thinking of us- thank you, for some days I go to my alone place and just cry bc I don't know what to do anymore, but that's just a bit of reality, and other times I feel strong and able to just brush it off. My God has supplied my needs and satisfied my heart. No matter what may try to bring me down, He is stronger. But we sometimes have to admit our insecurities and rough times for true healing to take place.
Someone on fb the other day said something along the lines of "you look like you have such a wonderful life" to which in thinking "you obviously haven't read my blog". Yes my life IS wonderful and I'm overwhelmed at times! But the real us is a story of two very broken and making-it-work-for-the-moment-or-two-or-fifty kind of people. We aren't proud of how we handle some situations and we are happy to have just survived others. We love our children and will happily cry a thousand and fifty billion trillion (that's what E would say)...a lot of tears for them if it means helping them see how much they are loved by Christ. I wanted to be a mom. I didn't know ALL the stress that came with it but God made me for this and will help me through it. Plus the moments of "i love you"s and kisses and hugs and snuggles make it all worth it.
Love never fails.
-1 Corinthians 13:8
I promise another blog to come out sooner!
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
A Different Kind of Conversation
Let me start this out by saying that kids in general are just funny. They make you pull out your hair and sometimes scream or bulge out your eyes a bit, but then they do the funniest and sweetest things that just melt your heart and make you want to pull them closer.
And they ask some random questions too, don't they! Our little E, does ask us some pretty far out there things. Lately we have just been pointing to her brain region as a symbol for her to try and use her own good senses to answer the question. So now she has started trying to point at her own brain to see if she can get it to start working haha! W usually just gives me these weird confused looks, shrugs his shoulders, and walks away, hehe. Kids ARE funny and are so curious.
This brings me to this particular topic that has always scratched the surface in our home and until recently has always just been pushed to the side. The topic of their first mom, birth mom, other mom... Whatever term you want to use.
It's awkward to talk about her. I really don't understand my feelings toward her and I've never even met her. I believe a lady named Jenny Stotts wrote a short blog about the love/hate relationship she feels for her sons birth mom. I shared this recently on Facebook but she basically says that she hates her (his birth mom) when he cries uncontrollably or says he hurts or when he gets a bad medical diagnosis... But then she says she loves her for the child she birthed and the way he hugs her neck and smiles. What a confusing mess of emotions! And I totally get her!
I've seen just a handful of pictures of the kids' mom. And every time I find myself overcome with anger and hate. Yes hate is such a strong word, but I'm being honest. I usually avoid all talk of their mom if I can. My usual response is oh say a prayer for her and then let's go get cookies! I just can't bring myself to face her as a subject yet with the kids.
The other part of me, the God part, takes a more reasonable stance and thinks "forgiveness". I have prayed and had many long talks with God about forgiving this woman and I don't know if I'm totally there yet but I'm really close. (Please remember we are still less than 2 years into this).
It's just hard to wrap my mind up in it. I'm mad (let's not say hate) at her every time the kids don't understand something that is so obvious, or when they get so uncontrollably angry at the smallest things, or how my daughter can't sit still or be in control of her actions unless medicated. I'm mad at her for the memories they carry with them from the day they were taken from her and the cold emptiness my son shows when someone brings her up in conversation. I'm mad that it hurts them to have class assignments about family heritage (although they have done so good with really adopting our family and its history as their own), or when someone has a baby shower and my little girl asks me if her mom had one of these for her. I'm mad whenever I see reports of other women being arrested for neglecting their child bc all I can see is my kids' mom on that report and her name and her face. I'm mad that she got the first years of their life and took it all for granted as she signed them away to a stranger. It's maddening really.
But I also appreciate her for choosing life instead of abortion. I love her for realizing she wasn't able to be the best mom for these kids and for having the courage to sign her rights away for them to have a better home. I love her for providing me the chance to be a mom even if it has come with all these tears. I appreciate her for giving me these beings with their little hands and little feet. Yes it's hard most days to just forgive and try to forget what choices she made and how it so impacted my kids' lives... But who am I to throw a stone at her for her sin when I have sin of my own! She is to be loved, though it may take me a little longer to get there fully, she is to be loved.
So all this was brought out of me on Friday night. We had the kids in the car and W was talking about how happy he was for his friend whose aunt just got out of jail. {as soon as anyone talks about jail or prison or whatever it immediately makes E uncomfortable}. So E says "I wonder if our mom is still in jail?"
My poor W just sighs and says how he doesn't care. This is followed by some awkward silence and other parts of the conversation that I can't say, but how much hurt there is makes it hard to love someone who put that hurt there, especially when it's your child that hurts. All I want is for someday my kids to be able to say "it's ok, I forgive her."
Adoption is not easy, but so worth it. We just have to go through some different kinds of conversations.
When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
John 8:7 NIV
And they ask some random questions too, don't they! Our little E, does ask us some pretty far out there things. Lately we have just been pointing to her brain region as a symbol for her to try and use her own good senses to answer the question. So now she has started trying to point at her own brain to see if she can get it to start working haha! W usually just gives me these weird confused looks, shrugs his shoulders, and walks away, hehe. Kids ARE funny and are so curious.
This brings me to this particular topic that has always scratched the surface in our home and until recently has always just been pushed to the side. The topic of their first mom, birth mom, other mom... Whatever term you want to use.
It's awkward to talk about her. I really don't understand my feelings toward her and I've never even met her. I believe a lady named Jenny Stotts wrote a short blog about the love/hate relationship she feels for her sons birth mom. I shared this recently on Facebook but she basically says that she hates her (his birth mom) when he cries uncontrollably or says he hurts or when he gets a bad medical diagnosis... But then she says she loves her for the child she birthed and the way he hugs her neck and smiles. What a confusing mess of emotions! And I totally get her!
I've seen just a handful of pictures of the kids' mom. And every time I find myself overcome with anger and hate. Yes hate is such a strong word, but I'm being honest. I usually avoid all talk of their mom if I can. My usual response is oh say a prayer for her and then let's go get cookies! I just can't bring myself to face her as a subject yet with the kids.
The other part of me, the God part, takes a more reasonable stance and thinks "forgiveness". I have prayed and had many long talks with God about forgiving this woman and I don't know if I'm totally there yet but I'm really close. (Please remember we are still less than 2 years into this).
It's just hard to wrap my mind up in it. I'm mad (let's not say hate) at her every time the kids don't understand something that is so obvious, or when they get so uncontrollably angry at the smallest things, or how my daughter can't sit still or be in control of her actions unless medicated. I'm mad at her for the memories they carry with them from the day they were taken from her and the cold emptiness my son shows when someone brings her up in conversation. I'm mad that it hurts them to have class assignments about family heritage (although they have done so good with really adopting our family and its history as their own), or when someone has a baby shower and my little girl asks me if her mom had one of these for her. I'm mad whenever I see reports of other women being arrested for neglecting their child bc all I can see is my kids' mom on that report and her name and her face. I'm mad that she got the first years of their life and took it all for granted as she signed them away to a stranger. It's maddening really.
But I also appreciate her for choosing life instead of abortion. I love her for realizing she wasn't able to be the best mom for these kids and for having the courage to sign her rights away for them to have a better home. I love her for providing me the chance to be a mom even if it has come with all these tears. I appreciate her for giving me these beings with their little hands and little feet. Yes it's hard most days to just forgive and try to forget what choices she made and how it so impacted my kids' lives... But who am I to throw a stone at her for her sin when I have sin of my own! She is to be loved, though it may take me a little longer to get there fully, she is to be loved.
So all this was brought out of me on Friday night. We had the kids in the car and W was talking about how happy he was for his friend whose aunt just got out of jail. {as soon as anyone talks about jail or prison or whatever it immediately makes E uncomfortable}. So E says "I wonder if our mom is still in jail?"
My poor W just sighs and says how he doesn't care. This is followed by some awkward silence and other parts of the conversation that I can't say, but how much hurt there is makes it hard to love someone who put that hurt there, especially when it's your child that hurts. All I want is for someday my kids to be able to say "it's ok, I forgive her."
Adoption is not easy, but so worth it. We just have to go through some different kinds of conversations.
When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
John 8:7 NIV
Monday, August 31, 2015
This Is What It Means To Be Family
We are still alive. I still have this blog. And it's time I get back to it!
I have had many people ask me over the past few months just how things are going with our family and some who have asked about my blog... I honestly just got into the swing of life and let other things distract me. But I feel it is time to return to the blog scene.
First of all, kids are doing great! This doesn't mean it's easy and we have had many interesting challenges come up that makes me wonder... Is this a normal kid thing or a behavior you picked up from your past? But regardless, they are doing so good. More on them in a minute...
Second, we have had some big changes! We moved to a bigger home (by the grace of God who allowed this opportunity to come to us, we are in no ways able to be in this home without it being Gods plan), we took some exciting trips (see point three), the kids started a new school, and we got a new puppy, Chloe! Well she's five so not really a puppy but I still refer to Sadie and Chloe as my puppies :) Sweet Chloe has had a rough life of abuse and neglect, so we had to foster her and then work through much patience to get her used to our home and family. I guess you could say our experience with children from hard places made us a good fit. Chloe is my little shadow at home but she is scared of everything!
Third, we went to DisneyWorld! What a true gift that was to get to take the kids and Roberts family to the magical land of Disney :) the kids had a great time and so did we, even though we had to deal with a few meltdowns (such is our life) it was still so worth it! And the kids haven't stopped talking about it so we know they had fun!
Update on my sweet girl: she is 8... That is a terrible and beautiful thing. She is so happy and goofy... Like way goofy... And loud... Always very loud... And turning into this pretty cute little ball of girly energy. She loves God and still loves to draw. Her imagination is a bit... Out there at times and she usually asks me the dumbest questions... That sounds mean but really she asks some beyond weird and just kinda dumb questions... We just laugh and smile and say "use your brain hunny" and she usually gets it.
She has started 3rd grade and I love her school and teacher, but I don't want her to be this big yet. Oh and she still does piano and gymnastics which keep us busy:)
And now for our very handsome boy: I cried and cried when he turned 10. I cried when they both started school but as I though about him being a 5th grader it just got me emotional. I love how he has started to try... To try and follow the rules, try and be respectful, try to change his year around... In the beginning, he would never try anything like that or be willing to learn from his mistakes. We have plenty of our battles, but to think back a year and some, he has come so far. He is learning to love Jesus more and more and recommitted his life to Christ at VBS camp this summer! People if you don't know God and Jesus...you are MISSING IT!
He is enjoying football and loves loves loves to be outside with his friends. I am proud of him and can only hope he keeps learning in all the different ways there are to learn.
Our family is basically busy but filling our lives with the things that matter most to us! I promise I will update again sooner than later. I ran into another mom who was licensed through our agency who for various reasons experienced an unexpected loss and trial concerning the adoptive journey. She said to me "Yall made it look so easy". I realized just how much more there still is to share. My friends, my family, and anyone else who found this post for whatever reason, please don't forget you all have a story to tell when you give your life to Christ. Big or small He can use your life for His glory. I hope He can continue to use mine.
Till next time!
"You have filled my heart with greater JOY..."
Psalm 4:7
I have had many people ask me over the past few months just how things are going with our family and some who have asked about my blog... I honestly just got into the swing of life and let other things distract me. But I feel it is time to return to the blog scene.
First of all, kids are doing great! This doesn't mean it's easy and we have had many interesting challenges come up that makes me wonder... Is this a normal kid thing or a behavior you picked up from your past? But regardless, they are doing so good. More on them in a minute...
Second, we have had some big changes! We moved to a bigger home (by the grace of God who allowed this opportunity to come to us, we are in no ways able to be in this home without it being Gods plan), we took some exciting trips (see point three), the kids started a new school, and we got a new puppy, Chloe! Well she's five so not really a puppy but I still refer to Sadie and Chloe as my puppies :) Sweet Chloe has had a rough life of abuse and neglect, so we had to foster her and then work through much patience to get her used to our home and family. I guess you could say our experience with children from hard places made us a good fit. Chloe is my little shadow at home but she is scared of everything!
Third, we went to DisneyWorld! What a true gift that was to get to take the kids and Roberts family to the magical land of Disney :) the kids had a great time and so did we, even though we had to deal with a few meltdowns (such is our life) it was still so worth it! And the kids haven't stopped talking about it so we know they had fun!
Update on my sweet girl: she is 8... That is a terrible and beautiful thing. She is so happy and goofy... Like way goofy... And loud... Always very loud... And turning into this pretty cute little ball of girly energy. She loves God and still loves to draw. Her imagination is a bit... Out there at times and she usually asks me the dumbest questions... That sounds mean but really she asks some beyond weird and just kinda dumb questions... We just laugh and smile and say "use your brain hunny" and she usually gets it.
She has started 3rd grade and I love her school and teacher, but I don't want her to be this big yet. Oh and she still does piano and gymnastics which keep us busy:)
And now for our very handsome boy: I cried and cried when he turned 10. I cried when they both started school but as I though about him being a 5th grader it just got me emotional. I love how he has started to try... To try and follow the rules, try and be respectful, try to change his year around... In the beginning, he would never try anything like that or be willing to learn from his mistakes. We have plenty of our battles, but to think back a year and some, he has come so far. He is learning to love Jesus more and more and recommitted his life to Christ at VBS camp this summer! People if you don't know God and Jesus...you are MISSING IT!
He is enjoying football and loves loves loves to be outside with his friends. I am proud of him and can only hope he keeps learning in all the different ways there are to learn.
Our family is basically busy but filling our lives with the things that matter most to us! I promise I will update again sooner than later. I ran into another mom who was licensed through our agency who for various reasons experienced an unexpected loss and trial concerning the adoptive journey. She said to me "Yall made it look so easy". I realized just how much more there still is to share. My friends, my family, and anyone else who found this post for whatever reason, please don't forget you all have a story to tell when you give your life to Christ. Big or small He can use your life for His glory. I hope He can continue to use mine.
Till next time!
"You have filled my heart with greater JOY..."
Psalm 4:7
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Once upon a memory- 2014 tribute
ok so we have been literally iced in for the past two days with Robert only leaving the house yesterday to slip n slide to Walmart and buy groceries (thank the Lord or we would have eaten canned chili and frozen breakfast sandwiches for New Years... Gross) so instead we got to enjoy ringing in the NewYear with our brother Isaac, his friend, and my kiddos. Poor Waylon has been sick but we managed to have our own balloon drop, sparkling cider and cotton candy drinks with noise makers. It wasn't the crazy and loud fun we usually have at our church celebration but it was fun nonetheless!
So even with the ice apocalypse, I managed to miss out on blogging which I would like to keep up in 2015 so yall hold me to it!!
Here is my tribute to 2014 bc we all know it was a very exciting year!
- we finished 1 year of being parents in December and its amazing how much things have changed. I remember having late nights full of fits and screaming and hair pulling, biting, yelling, name calling, and behavior that I have wiped away from my mind. That was all just the first few months... Then slowly the behaviors changed to laughter and still disobedience and some testing of boundaries, but now we have the occasional crying from punishments that are more life teaching than anything and lots more smiles at bedtime.
- I salute 1 year of being a mother and a father and although our waist lines have increased and the knots in my neck are bigger, I wouldn't change a thing. I hope to increase play time and decrease stress time as a parent in 2015.
- 2014 marked one year without my grandpa, Slim. I still miss him and my other grandparents greatly and visit their graves often. It has been fun to teach the kids about their new heritage and they have caught on to some stories and I believe are getting a good idea of the family they never got to meet this side of Heaven. I hope to pass on many more memories of these great influences in my life to the kids in 2015.
- 2014 was also a year of weddings! Robert and I both had cousins that got married and I had a few friends tie the knot. Each celebration was a time of firsts for the kids as they met ALOT of friends and family. I hope to make more memories with extended family and my friends from further distances in 2015.
- I think the biggest moment of 2014 goes to June 25th, our Forever Fanily Day. Walking out of that court room and knowing we could officially celebrate our new lives with our kids without fear of losing them was the best feeling! We look forward to a big celebration for our Forever Day in 2015.
- if I (Jennifer) had to pick one favorite moment from 2014, it would be when I was watching The Little Couple on the couch one day with Waylon on one arm and Elva on the other. I remember thinking... This is exactly what I've always wanted to do with my kids and its happening! That moment made mommy life so much more real :) I hope for more mommy moments in 2015 where the world just stops.
- Robert's favorite moment was the moments after the finalization and going to six flags to celebrate. He really felt like a dad during those moments as the kids would grip his arm bc they were scared on the rides. He hopes to take them on more adventures in 2015.
- 2014 was also the year we officially went from "Rob" and "Jen" to "Dad" and "Mom"... It was the year we went from couple activities to piano and gymnastics and basketball and football... It was the year I finally got to hear "I love you" as a mom... And I'll be honest, I didn't know how long it would take for those words to be sincere from these kiddos who had trusted many and been broken much... So hearing I love you from them is still such a sweet sound. I hope to cherish every "I love you" and "mommy" I hear in 2015.
- I can't forget my favorite moments with our "other" children... The youth group. From camp to sleepovers to lock ins to road trips to Bible studies to everything... This group shows how much they love our kids and we couldn't be more grateful to those who have stepped out and helped us survive this year. I'm also happy for the growth we have had with new members... I hope for bigger joys and lasting commitments for a Christlike lifestyle that will infect other teens and point them to the Creator in 2015.
Well that's all for now! No looking back and no regrets, I just have to be the best mom, wife, sister, friend, daughter, physical therapist, coworker, etc. that I can be... And do it all for the Glory of God.
2014. Done.
2015. Begin.
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper, not to harm, plans for a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
So even with the ice apocalypse, I managed to miss out on blogging which I would like to keep up in 2015 so yall hold me to it!!
Here is my tribute to 2014 bc we all know it was a very exciting year!
- we finished 1 year of being parents in December and its amazing how much things have changed. I remember having late nights full of fits and screaming and hair pulling, biting, yelling, name calling, and behavior that I have wiped away from my mind. That was all just the first few months... Then slowly the behaviors changed to laughter and still disobedience and some testing of boundaries, but now we have the occasional crying from punishments that are more life teaching than anything and lots more smiles at bedtime.
- I salute 1 year of being a mother and a father and although our waist lines have increased and the knots in my neck are bigger, I wouldn't change a thing. I hope to increase play time and decrease stress time as a parent in 2015.
- 2014 marked one year without my grandpa, Slim. I still miss him and my other grandparents greatly and visit their graves often. It has been fun to teach the kids about their new heritage and they have caught on to some stories and I believe are getting a good idea of the family they never got to meet this side of Heaven. I hope to pass on many more memories of these great influences in my life to the kids in 2015.
- 2014 was also a year of weddings! Robert and I both had cousins that got married and I had a few friends tie the knot. Each celebration was a time of firsts for the kids as they met ALOT of friends and family. I hope to make more memories with extended family and my friends from further distances in 2015.
- I think the biggest moment of 2014 goes to June 25th, our Forever Fanily Day. Walking out of that court room and knowing we could officially celebrate our new lives with our kids without fear of losing them was the best feeling! We look forward to a big celebration for our Forever Day in 2015.
- if I (Jennifer) had to pick one favorite moment from 2014, it would be when I was watching The Little Couple on the couch one day with Waylon on one arm and Elva on the other. I remember thinking... This is exactly what I've always wanted to do with my kids and its happening! That moment made mommy life so much more real :) I hope for more mommy moments in 2015 where the world just stops.
- Robert's favorite moment was the moments after the finalization and going to six flags to celebrate. He really felt like a dad during those moments as the kids would grip his arm bc they were scared on the rides. He hopes to take them on more adventures in 2015.
- 2014 was also the year we officially went from "Rob" and "Jen" to "Dad" and "Mom"... It was the year we went from couple activities to piano and gymnastics and basketball and football... It was the year I finally got to hear "I love you" as a mom... And I'll be honest, I didn't know how long it would take for those words to be sincere from these kiddos who had trusted many and been broken much... So hearing I love you from them is still such a sweet sound. I hope to cherish every "I love you" and "mommy" I hear in 2015.
- I can't forget my favorite moments with our "other" children... The youth group. From camp to sleepovers to lock ins to road trips to Bible studies to everything... This group shows how much they love our kids and we couldn't be more grateful to those who have stepped out and helped us survive this year. I'm also happy for the growth we have had with new members... I hope for bigger joys and lasting commitments for a Christlike lifestyle that will infect other teens and point them to the Creator in 2015.
Well that's all for now! No looking back and no regrets, I just have to be the best mom, wife, sister, friend, daughter, physical therapist, coworker, etc. that I can be... And do it all for the Glory of God.
2014. Done.
2015. Begin.
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper, not to harm, plans for a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Joys and Failures, Taking it in Stride
Hello Hello to you all and I hope you have enjoyed your OCTOBER that
is over (well when I originally wrote this is was almost over, but now
it really is)! Really where does the time go? Oh yeah... to being a mom,
wife, sister, aunt, daughter, friend, youth pastor, physical therapist,
and psychopath...well maybe not the last one but thats what I feel at
times hehe. Yes, this has been a super busy month, but I love being busy
and especially when its doing things with my kids or teens. I can't say
I'm proud of every moment of this month, but we are definitely growing
amidst the big ups and little downs. I am still blown away to think that
we have been parents for only 10 months! Thats it! Thats it? It seems
like a lot longer, but when we remember how little time it has been we
are reminded of just how fortunate we are to be in out current
position.
October news:
--I turned 30... the BIG 3. 0. And I'm super ready for it and grateful for all Christ has blessed me with in the first 30 years of my life... here's to the next adventures in life! Annnd I'm so happy that now I can look forward to where these 30 years+ will lead my kids also.
--We are in full force FOOTBALL mode! Go Colts! Waylon has the best team and coaches we could have asked for. They have been super supportive of Waylon's progress through the first part of the school year (which was rough, lets not sugar coat it, 4th grade has been rough), but the coaches have helped push him to be better and to stay accountable for his actions. Not to mention they are undefeated which makes for a very exciting year for our first time football kiddo. He has improved in his technique and plays defense at times and tight end at times... last Saturday he about a 5 yard run with the ball... could. not. have. been. prouder! He was majorly tackled, but is learning to handle it more "like a man"... well a 9 year old man haha!
--Elva is in FLIPPY ROLLY POLLY mode going to gymnastics and learning cartwheels and roundoffs and balance beam and the uneven bars... etc. you name it, she is having a ball! And its the perfect activity for her super energetic lifestyle as she is always bouncing or jumping somewhere. She still needs help on her form for her cartwheels but its so cute to watch her try!
--We are getting into HOLIDAY mode! I decorated the house with all my pumpkins and fall leaves and all Waylon said is," you have too many pumpkins, mom." Never my son, never!!
I can't wait to decorate for Christmas though and let them add their own touches for our family :)
--No my kids did not dress up for Halloween. I'm not going to get into it because I neither judge you for celebrating or not celebrating Halloween, but we have chosen as a family to celebrate our family and being together on that night. So, while others got ready to go door to door... we went with some family and friends to kids paradise- Chuck E Cheese. Oh how I hate that place, haha! But the kids had a great time blowing their minds in games and pizza and candy and then we had ice cream afterwards and it just made the night fun. Plus it wasn't crowded AT ALL! So hate me or agree with me, I don't care, we will probably repeat this tradition each year!
--I have been noticing certain trends with our children. Elva is having more and more difficulties with understanding our explanations for things and quite often is gone in loopsy land, but she ends up doing things she is not supposed to and blames it on loopsy land (I just made that up she doesn't really say loopsy land haha). This may not seem like a big deal, but her reality is a little off and she is thinks she is getting better at excuses. Oh and we have the issue already...already....yes I said already....with boys and the "i like" syndrome. Umm no, I am not ready for this or prepared for what I might do to some innocent boy for breaking my little girls heart so lets just say ummm no!
Waylon has been exercising his right of limit pusher to the max. Things are certainly WAYYY better than they were at the beginning of the year... I mean he was getting some very low grades and coming home with multiple bad remarks or office visits every day... not week... every day. SO we have now been having weeks of no such bad reports, a few corrections here and there, but nothing near as severe as we started. His grades need more prayer as he is just having a hard time with the comprehension work for his grade. He is not far behind, but he is not at grade level and I don't want him to fall behind. We work heavily on multiplication problems and he even has to practice his handwriting because we have noticed he and Elva learned how to write several of their letters wrongly. Like an "e". Its the weirdest thing to watch them write!
But he has been pushing our buttons, so we are trying to keep it in perspective of everything before letting our emotions get too high. It hasn't been a year yet!
--We have started making the CHRISTMAS LIST... dun dun dun. Thank you to you retailers of toys for sending us your picture magazines with all the latest toys that my kids have taken to spending every spare minute looking through and circling their favorites. We had a talk with them the other night about not being demanding or expecting things for Christmas to which Waylon reminded me that this is a season of "giving" and not receiving... so I guess our lectures and lessons are getting through a little bit!
So I realize that this post is called joys and failures, but I don't have much to say about failures because at this point there is no failing... just redirection and trying again! We have had some not so pretty moments, but those moments used to be not so pretty days so I think we are headed in the right direction!
Anywho, please pray for Waylon's grades and Elva's heart to be protected. Because others have asked, Robert and I would like prayer in the decisions we make and the way we are learning to parent together. I desire above all things for these kids to understand God's joy and HIS teachings not our own. I can't believe we just finished month 10 together- and what JOYFUL changes have taken place! Give God the glory for He deserves it all!
Thanks for your prayers again and again!
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
October news:
--I turned 30... the BIG 3. 0. And I'm super ready for it and grateful for all Christ has blessed me with in the first 30 years of my life... here's to the next adventures in life! Annnd I'm so happy that now I can look forward to where these 30 years+ will lead my kids also.
--We are in full force FOOTBALL mode! Go Colts! Waylon has the best team and coaches we could have asked for. They have been super supportive of Waylon's progress through the first part of the school year (which was rough, lets not sugar coat it, 4th grade has been rough), but the coaches have helped push him to be better and to stay accountable for his actions. Not to mention they are undefeated which makes for a very exciting year for our first time football kiddo. He has improved in his technique and plays defense at times and tight end at times... last Saturday he about a 5 yard run with the ball... could. not. have. been. prouder! He was majorly tackled, but is learning to handle it more "like a man"... well a 9 year old man haha!
--Elva is in FLIPPY ROLLY POLLY mode going to gymnastics and learning cartwheels and roundoffs and balance beam and the uneven bars... etc. you name it, she is having a ball! And its the perfect activity for her super energetic lifestyle as she is always bouncing or jumping somewhere. She still needs help on her form for her cartwheels but its so cute to watch her try!
--We are getting into HOLIDAY mode! I decorated the house with all my pumpkins and fall leaves and all Waylon said is," you have too many pumpkins, mom." Never my son, never!!
I can't wait to decorate for Christmas though and let them add their own touches for our family :)
--No my kids did not dress up for Halloween. I'm not going to get into it because I neither judge you for celebrating or not celebrating Halloween, but we have chosen as a family to celebrate our family and being together on that night. So, while others got ready to go door to door... we went with some family and friends to kids paradise- Chuck E Cheese. Oh how I hate that place, haha! But the kids had a great time blowing their minds in games and pizza and candy and then we had ice cream afterwards and it just made the night fun. Plus it wasn't crowded AT ALL! So hate me or agree with me, I don't care, we will probably repeat this tradition each year!
--I have been noticing certain trends with our children. Elva is having more and more difficulties with understanding our explanations for things and quite often is gone in loopsy land, but she ends up doing things she is not supposed to and blames it on loopsy land (I just made that up she doesn't really say loopsy land haha). This may not seem like a big deal, but her reality is a little off and she is thinks she is getting better at excuses. Oh and we have the issue already...already....yes I said already....with boys and the "i like" syndrome. Umm no, I am not ready for this or prepared for what I might do to some innocent boy for breaking my little girls heart so lets just say ummm no!
Waylon has been exercising his right of limit pusher to the max. Things are certainly WAYYY better than they were at the beginning of the year... I mean he was getting some very low grades and coming home with multiple bad remarks or office visits every day... not week... every day. SO we have now been having weeks of no such bad reports, a few corrections here and there, but nothing near as severe as we started. His grades need more prayer as he is just having a hard time with the comprehension work for his grade. He is not far behind, but he is not at grade level and I don't want him to fall behind. We work heavily on multiplication problems and he even has to practice his handwriting because we have noticed he and Elva learned how to write several of their letters wrongly. Like an "e". Its the weirdest thing to watch them write!
But he has been pushing our buttons, so we are trying to keep it in perspective of everything before letting our emotions get too high. It hasn't been a year yet!
--We have started making the CHRISTMAS LIST... dun dun dun. Thank you to you retailers of toys for sending us your picture magazines with all the latest toys that my kids have taken to spending every spare minute looking through and circling their favorites. We had a talk with them the other night about not being demanding or expecting things for Christmas to which Waylon reminded me that this is a season of "giving" and not receiving... so I guess our lectures and lessons are getting through a little bit!
So I realize that this post is called joys and failures, but I don't have much to say about failures because at this point there is no failing... just redirection and trying again! We have had some not so pretty moments, but those moments used to be not so pretty days so I think we are headed in the right direction!
Anywho, please pray for Waylon's grades and Elva's heart to be protected. Because others have asked, Robert and I would like prayer in the decisions we make and the way we are learning to parent together. I desire above all things for these kids to understand God's joy and HIS teachings not our own. I can't believe we just finished month 10 together- and what JOYFUL changes have taken place! Give God the glory for He deserves it all!
Thanks for your prayers again and again!
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Remember to Breathe
And then it was September...
I honestly don't know how we got to this month already. I feel time is flying by... and yet at times that it won't move fast enough haha. I don't want time to go fast by any means, just not to drag on!
So, the Fowlers are settling into our routines: school, church, work, football, piano, church (yes I said it twice bc its important), gymnastics (finally found a place yay!), sleeping, eating, playing, chores,exercise (lets be realistic here), special trips, youth group, etc...
oh, and breathing.
yeah, thats important right?
I'm not complaining... I'm grateful! All the time people tell me they don't want to bother me bc I'm so busy, or that I should relax and not be so busy... why? I am a busy driven person really. I love the times to relax and just do nothing, but honestly whenever those do happen I often find something to fill up the time with bc I just like to be busy. So having two kiddos who are interested in getting involved and being active is right up my alley. I remember praying for our crazy unknown schedules before we got the kids and thinking how exciting it will be to load up the car and go to this thing or that and so on. Call me crazy, but I wouldn't want it any other way... well maybe not so busy, but I have a good time knowing that I can provide my kids the opportunity to do the things they want as my parents did for me when I was younger (gymnastics, piano, church youth group, trips, friends, etc).
So please don't think you are bothering me... I welcome the fun adventures... although I may complain about it... just ignore me... I don't mean it :)
Kid Update:
Elva- our sweetheart who needs to get enough sleep or she becomes Elvamonster, she is doing quite well in school although the jump in difficulty was hard for her to understand at first but she is adjusting. At home she is of course quite sweet to mom and dad and is always laughing or making us laugh. She did get her first spanking a few weeks ago for waking up with an attitude and slamming her electronic down on our dresser... I won't lie, we laughed privately afterwards bc even in the midst of crying and getting a spanking (it was more of a quick tap, but it hurt her feelings enough that she hasn't forgotten)... she was still quite cute when she came back into join the family and was sniffing. Poor thing, she is just wild sometimes, but the things she says can be so off guard funny! Her tiny voice is just precious for one thing and then her imagination and desire for knowledge just blows my mind. She will ask about anything and everything and you can always see the wheels turning in her head. She does ask too many questions though... I don't know how to stop that, but Waylon is trying to figure out how :) She loves her gymnastics place and is working to perfect her cartwheel (which I can still do pretty darn well) and we are going to be stretching so she can do her splits (ouch!).
Waylon- this little firecracker is my fuzzy headed man. His hair is very black and fuzzy on top right now and I just love to run my hands through it and tickle him like crazy. We have had us some rough days lately, specifically with school. I sigh and put up my hands bc I just don't know what else to do sometimes, but I know God has a plan and I have to surrender this sweet love to my God bc I am not strong enough or big enough to help him. Waylon has been off task, disruptive, and even a little argumentative at school. He landed in the principal's office for a few days and lied to us about it. My heart breaks for these moments bc we have worked so hard to get to where we are in our relationship. Not that I'm saying I don't expect him to ever lie to us, but it seemed that one thing after another brought on more lies and more disappointment. Last week was super rough and I don't care to go back there to that point, but I also want him to learn from it so we can move on and grow. We are implementing punishment in as much a teaching method as we can... pray for guidance and that I don't lose my mind like I almost did on Friday after his parent/teacher conference. We have a long way to go, but I know we can get there. We have already overcome so many mountains!
I forgot to mention that Waylon also turned the big 9 in August. We had a great birthday party full of boys swimming away! I'm hoping for a more mellow birthday next year, but I'm glad he was happy... thats all I cared about!
Well since this post is long as all mine have been lately (sorry my new blogger friend), I will leave you with these kid updates.
Ok, one more thing. Tonight was my restore my faith in humanity and my kids night... we actually had time after Waylon got home from football, took a shower, elva was showered, there homework was done, reading done, and laundry was already started... to just sit and play. The kids were mad scientists cutting and creating with play-do at the table while Robert worked on some studying and I just walked into the kitchen and stopped. I just took a moment to breathe and take it all in. My family. No matter how busy we get, God has created us into a family. A unit. One, together. Its still only been less than 9 months, but how God truly works is just majestic. This time last year we had just gotten the profile for the kids and were waiting to get to know more about them. And now, we are a family.
Have you stopped to take a breath today and just look around?I recommend it :)
Psalm 150:6
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.
I honestly don't know how we got to this month already. I feel time is flying by... and yet at times that it won't move fast enough haha. I don't want time to go fast by any means, just not to drag on!
So, the Fowlers are settling into our routines: school, church, work, football, piano, church (yes I said it twice bc its important), gymnastics (finally found a place yay!), sleeping, eating, playing, chores,
oh, and breathing.
yeah, thats important right?
I'm not complaining... I'm grateful! All the time people tell me they don't want to bother me bc I'm so busy, or that I should relax and not be so busy... why? I am a busy driven person really. I love the times to relax and just do nothing, but honestly whenever those do happen I often find something to fill up the time with bc I just like to be busy. So having two kiddos who are interested in getting involved and being active is right up my alley. I remember praying for our crazy unknown schedules before we got the kids and thinking how exciting it will be to load up the car and go to this thing or that and so on. Call me crazy, but I wouldn't want it any other way... well maybe not so busy, but I have a good time knowing that I can provide my kids the opportunity to do the things they want as my parents did for me when I was younger (gymnastics, piano, church youth group, trips, friends, etc).
So please don't think you are bothering me... I welcome the fun adventures... although I may complain about it... just ignore me... I don't mean it :)
Kid Update:
Elva- our sweetheart who needs to get enough sleep or she becomes Elvamonster, she is doing quite well in school although the jump in difficulty was hard for her to understand at first but she is adjusting. At home she is of course quite sweet to mom and dad and is always laughing or making us laugh. She did get her first spanking a few weeks ago for waking up with an attitude and slamming her electronic down on our dresser... I won't lie, we laughed privately afterwards bc even in the midst of crying and getting a spanking (it was more of a quick tap, but it hurt her feelings enough that she hasn't forgotten)... she was still quite cute when she came back into join the family and was sniffing. Poor thing, she is just wild sometimes, but the things she says can be so off guard funny! Her tiny voice is just precious for one thing and then her imagination and desire for knowledge just blows my mind. She will ask about anything and everything and you can always see the wheels turning in her head. She does ask too many questions though... I don't know how to stop that, but Waylon is trying to figure out how :) She loves her gymnastics place and is working to perfect her cartwheel (which I can still do pretty darn well) and we are going to be stretching so she can do her splits (ouch!).
Waylon- this little firecracker is my fuzzy headed man. His hair is very black and fuzzy on top right now and I just love to run my hands through it and tickle him like crazy. We have had us some rough days lately, specifically with school. I sigh and put up my hands bc I just don't know what else to do sometimes, but I know God has a plan and I have to surrender this sweet love to my God bc I am not strong enough or big enough to help him. Waylon has been off task, disruptive, and even a little argumentative at school. He landed in the principal's office for a few days and lied to us about it. My heart breaks for these moments bc we have worked so hard to get to where we are in our relationship. Not that I'm saying I don't expect him to ever lie to us, but it seemed that one thing after another brought on more lies and more disappointment. Last week was super rough and I don't care to go back there to that point, but I also want him to learn from it so we can move on and grow. We are implementing punishment in as much a teaching method as we can... pray for guidance and that I don't lose my mind like I almost did on Friday after his parent/teacher conference. We have a long way to go, but I know we can get there. We have already overcome so many mountains!
I forgot to mention that Waylon also turned the big 9 in August. We had a great birthday party full of boys swimming away! I'm hoping for a more mellow birthday next year, but I'm glad he was happy... thats all I cared about!
Well since this post is long as all mine have been lately (sorry my new blogger friend), I will leave you with these kid updates.
Ok, one more thing. Tonight was my restore my faith in humanity and my kids night... we actually had time after Waylon got home from football, took a shower, elva was showered, there homework was done, reading done, and laundry was already started... to just sit and play. The kids were mad scientists cutting and creating with play-do at the table while Robert worked on some studying and I just walked into the kitchen and stopped. I just took a moment to breathe and take it all in. My family. No matter how busy we get, God has created us into a family. A unit. One, together. Its still only been less than 9 months, but how God truly works is just majestic. This time last year we had just gotten the profile for the kids and were waiting to get to know more about them. And now, we are a family.
Have you stopped to take a breath today and just look around?I recommend it :)
Psalm 150:6
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Let The Parenting Commence
Could someone please tell me where the book is on parenting again? I think we have found ourselves asking that question as of late... I mean really for jumping into the parent roll we feel like we have been thrown into the ocean and are given bits of survival artifacts one at a time... and a tidal wave is a coming! Haha, really we are doing fine, but we are looking to the school year starting in a week and we are already consumed by schedules and the overwhelming sensation that we have absolutely no idea what we are doing. They are registered for school...we have school supplies...they will see the dentist again in October...we have new shoes and outfits galore...Waylon has already gone to football practice and is fully loaded with helmets and pads and bla bla all those things...Elva is still doing piano... haven't found her a gymnastics place yet which gives me a bit of anxiety...and well we know what day is the first day and where to go drop them off! Other than that we are clueless. Found out tonight, for example, that there is meet the teacher next Monday... umm ok how was I supposed to know that! Aaand Waylon needs a physical for football... geeze. When I say we are busy, I honestly mean we are busy... its not like I've neglected to check the school and MISD website or even the football website, I have, I did, but where was the listing for all these other things? What else are we missing I wonder haha!
[And I would like to add that the "busy" part is spent mostly making sure we just spend time with them... again memories, its all about making memories, and I try to make a point to have a special moment with each child everyday... can't get too "busy" with stuff that I forget to give them the love they need and missed out on for so many years!]
Moving On...
The last month has been a crazy, testy blast. Crazy in that we have tried to jam pack as much stuff in their summer as we can without getting too carried away, and testy because... well you can just guess... its been "lets throw a fit" season. I wouldn't say they have been bad. I don't want to call my kids bad. I will say that there has been a bit of the test of authority and respect that has happened, only these kids don't know who they are messing with. I may not know how to juggle school and being a football mom, but I know that standing strong and teaching my kids good morals is vital to their future successes and longevity in life. So we have had a few changes in how we handle things, but for the most part I've been in awe of how God has pulled us together. Its so weird to think back a year... 6 months... even just 3 months ago, how much they have changed. I give the glory for all that to God alone. There is no room for pride in this family bc without God forming us as a unit and allowing us to go through these tough times, we wouldnt be standing here as a family of four.
I do have to share the bittersweetness of today. [Yes that is a run on word but I don't care]. The kids social worker has been cleaning out their file and came across some pictures and letters from their "other" family. I was excited to see the pictures bc I thought this was my chance to get a baby picture of my kids! Well... when I got the package, it just reminded me of the heart break these kids have gone through. How they were so innocent and thought their lives were full and then it was ripped apart from poor decisions and neglect. Yes there is a baby picture or two of them in there... but they all have various faces in the pictures with them. Faces that would only bring up the past and may or may not spark a relapse to the uncertain times in their lives. I don't want to have to fight for my kids to remember who their family is now or to watch them go through those emotions. There will be a day for them to see the pictures... and if God wills it, there will be a day for them to read the letters from their mom. I read them. Why wouldn't I? And it was the hardest thing for me to do not to become so angry at her and think such negative thoughts. I had to remember that this woman needs redemption, and even if every part of my mind screams that she doesn't deserve it, I know what she needs is a relationship with Jesus. I may not ever be ok with her as my kids first mom, but that doesn't mean I should hate her or wish negative things on her. I just simply pray for her and have to leave it at that. There will be a day for us to relive the past, but I know God will prepare us for that day together... as one united family.
So the sweet part of the above paragraph is that we also got in the mail a smaller letter that contained two of the most important pieces of paper I have ever held in my hands. The kids' birth certificates. And under mother, its lists my name. Under father, Robert's name. How sweet it is to see that just as when we become Christian's and accept Jesus Christ into our hearts, that He writes His name over our past... over our sin... ushering in eternal life forever... and in our kids' case, our names have been written over their past, and into their forever. I regard those pieces of paper as very important and highly valuable. Jesus does the same with our lives. Just a thought :)
And now we will commence with the coming of the tidal wave... any other schooling parenting advice about juggling ridiculous sports schedules and all that jazz, we would like to hear it! [and to know we are not the only crazy ones :) ]
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
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[And I would like to add that the "busy" part is spent mostly making sure we just spend time with them... again memories, its all about making memories, and I try to make a point to have a special moment with each child everyday... can't get too "busy" with stuff that I forget to give them the love they need and missed out on for so many years!]
Moving On...
The last month has been a crazy, testy blast. Crazy in that we have tried to jam pack as much stuff in their summer as we can without getting too carried away, and testy because... well you can just guess... its been "lets throw a fit" season. I wouldn't say they have been bad. I don't want to call my kids bad. I will say that there has been a bit of the test of authority and respect that has happened, only these kids don't know who they are messing with. I may not know how to juggle school and being a football mom, but I know that standing strong and teaching my kids good morals is vital to their future successes and longevity in life. So we have had a few changes in how we handle things, but for the most part I've been in awe of how God has pulled us together. Its so weird to think back a year... 6 months... even just 3 months ago, how much they have changed. I give the glory for all that to God alone. There is no room for pride in this family bc without God forming us as a unit and allowing us to go through these tough times, we wouldnt be standing here as a family of four.
I do have to share the bittersweetness of today. [Yes that is a run on word but I don't care]. The kids social worker has been cleaning out their file and came across some pictures and letters from their "other" family. I was excited to see the pictures bc I thought this was my chance to get a baby picture of my kids! Well... when I got the package, it just reminded me of the heart break these kids have gone through. How they were so innocent and thought their lives were full and then it was ripped apart from poor decisions and neglect. Yes there is a baby picture or two of them in there... but they all have various faces in the pictures with them. Faces that would only bring up the past and may or may not spark a relapse to the uncertain times in their lives. I don't want to have to fight for my kids to remember who their family is now or to watch them go through those emotions. There will be a day for them to see the pictures... and if God wills it, there will be a day for them to read the letters from their mom. I read them. Why wouldn't I? And it was the hardest thing for me to do not to become so angry at her and think such negative thoughts. I had to remember that this woman needs redemption, and even if every part of my mind screams that she doesn't deserve it, I know what she needs is a relationship with Jesus. I may not ever be ok with her as my kids first mom, but that doesn't mean I should hate her or wish negative things on her. I just simply pray for her and have to leave it at that. There will be a day for us to relive the past, but I know God will prepare us for that day together... as one united family.
So the sweet part of the above paragraph is that we also got in the mail a smaller letter that contained two of the most important pieces of paper I have ever held in my hands. The kids' birth certificates. And under mother, its lists my name. Under father, Robert's name. How sweet it is to see that just as when we become Christian's and accept Jesus Christ into our hearts, that He writes His name over our past... over our sin... ushering in eternal life forever... and in our kids' case, our names have been written over their past, and into their forever. I regard those pieces of paper as very important and highly valuable. Jesus does the same with our lives. Just a thought :)
And now we will commence with the coming of the tidal wave... any other schooling parenting advice about juggling ridiculous sports schedules and all that jazz, we would like to hear it! [and to know we are not the only crazy ones :) ]
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
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