I've had a lot to chew on the last few days. Not physical chew but emotional and mentally. I don't ever want my kids to look back at this and be mad, but I hope they can see and hear the unending love I have for them and how much I want to choose to love them more and more through all the rough patches we've faced. And if by writing this I can help someone else cope with the circumstances they are facing then that will all the more be worth it in the end.
Now... I know I'm not the only parent who looks through their kids' journals... Yes I did it... So I can't be looked down upon too much... But I was cleaning, like epic cleaning with the trash can and clearing out drawers and bins and you name it, and it just so happened to be bookmarked and easy to open. So I read a page or two... I mean who isn't curious what their 9-10 year old son would write about... And this momma had a sudden punch to the gut kind of moment as I read the words "I miss my real mom and I HATE it."
There is so much emotion in that phrase. From longing to disappointment to rage and despair. For this little boy to write those words, how he must be hurting inside. And for this momma to read them, they cut a little deep.
I understand these feelings will be there for him and her as they get older and start to wonder more and more and as they get in trouble and start to question us and as I'm reminded that they have come from such a hard place and should not have had to go through what they have. But at the time they sure didn't add to already insecure feelings I was having. So I looked at the date of the entry and knew that it had been written during a time of unfortunate bad decisions on his part and he was on restrictions - so no wonder he was having these feelings. But for a kid who never ever talks about his past, these words were actually good. I hope he is more willing to let his emotions come out in a safe way such as this.
I didn't read everything. I was done and put the journal back where I got it from. Immediately I took it to prayer. What better thing to do but pray over his room and the journal itself. The enemy can try to use this to pull me down and even remind him of the bad, but I know that my God can use it for good.
Something I want to mention: I am totally fine and I mean it! I get a lot of lovely messages after post these things that it'll be ok and that people are thinking of us- thank you, for some days I go to my alone place and just cry bc I don't know what to do anymore, but that's just a bit of reality, and other times I feel strong and able to just brush it off. My God has supplied my needs and satisfied my heart. No matter what may try to bring me down, He is stronger. But we sometimes have to admit our insecurities and rough times for true healing to take place.
Someone on fb the other day said something along the lines of "you look like you have such a wonderful life" to which in thinking "you obviously haven't read my blog". Yes my life IS wonderful and I'm overwhelmed at times! But the real us is a story of two very broken and making-it-work-for-the-moment-or-two-or-fifty kind of people. We aren't proud of how we handle some situations and we are happy to have just survived others. We love our children and will happily cry a thousand and fifty billion trillion (that's what E would say)...a lot of tears for them if it means helping them see how much they are loved by Christ. I wanted to be a mom. I didn't know ALL the stress that came with it but God made me for this and will help me through it. Plus the moments of "i love you"s and kisses and hugs and snuggles make it all worth it.
Love never fails.
-1 Corinthians 13:8
I promise another blog to come out sooner!