Again I would like to start out by giving my gratitude to the wonderful blessings God has given me that are called my friends and family. For your support and prayers we could never fully say thank you as much as it is deserved, but please know how much you each mean to us and how we know with time that you will come to mean to our kiddos.
My heart is so swollen with joy and anticipation for next Friday. Just 6 days until we become parents permanently. 6 days till we jump into a whole different world. 6 days left with just the two of us and then we become 4. I feel this Great Wall of tears welling up inside me after seeing so much generosity poured out over us for the kids and just for the great realization that what we have prayed for is finally upon us. I really can't believe we are in this exact spot that we are. I don't really know how to react at this point. My emotions are everywhere- joy, love, anticipation, expectation, fear, tense, planning, nervousness, but mostly just love. I am finally at the point where I just miss them and ache for them to be here. Pictures only make that harder as I can't wait to see their smiles and faces in person again. I prayed for those faces, every feature, and I prayed for their smiles and laughs, so I'm ready to be around them. No more driving them back to their foster homes, they need to be with me permanently, my heart needs it. I find myself so tearful at times and ten again so happy and then so sad for some reason and back then to tearfully excited. It's just not real yet to me, but the two Waylon and Elva size holes in my heart are aching more and more. 6 days left and maybe I can take a breath and wake up from this dream.... But then again, we will have a new dream to begin.
I struggled with sharing the words in my journal with others. As soon as we began the adoption process back in March, HollyAnn suggested a journal, write down what I was feeling. Keep track of memories. Use it as an outlet, a way back to sanity in this emotional journey. And I've never been a writing in a journal kind of person, but just like writing this blog has helped to heal the scrambled pieces of my heart together, my journal has helped to do all the things HollyAnn said it would and more. It has helped me keep my eyes on my Father and to remember what is most important, following His footsteps. So I was trying to decide if I really wanted to share things I had wrote, but I just recently pulled it out and started from the beginning. What I read just took me back to the whole purpose and true meaning for why we have surrendered ourselves to this life. Let me share with you the first page in my journal, dated 4-24-13:
God has revealed himself in such a miraculous way in my life. How He has protected me, supplied for our financial needs, led me to my wonderfulf husband and friend, and been the source of comfort through all sorts of trials and tribulations, joys and smiles. As I think about where my life has come and how my dreams have become reality - maybe have changed a little from my original plans - but that have turned into something more joyous... I'm overwhelmed. God has changed my heart from its empty hole of jealousy, anger, rage, and longing... To one of hope, love, pure joy, obedience, and light. When He told me that I might never bear my own children, I thought He was taking away my future and all the happiness I had longed for, hoped for, prayed for, prepared for.
BUT I was wrong.
He was giving me the freedom to choose His plan for myself and Robert, the one full of all my dreams and desires, but also one that served a greater purpose than I could ever have imagined. One called to Adopt.
This is our adoption story.
I still remember exactly where I was when I wrote that (on a plane to Houston with our church staff). I still remember the emotion of that moment and it's all so real again to me. How many times as Christians do we pray for God to use us, but yet we aren't ready to surrender and let Him actually show us what it will take for our lives to be of greater purpose. I am not a saint or someone to be praised. It's hard for me to acknowledge people being so gracious with their words regarding us taking on this adoption and loving two children bc I know it's not me. Elva and Waylon were created to be my children and to live with us, teach us, and learn with us about how far and deep is Gods love. They had to start in a simple home with a neglectful mother first for some reason that we will only see why someday, or maybe never, but they have so much to teach the world and I hope they can find the ability to let God use them.
Of course the enemy has tried very hard to discourage and distract us during this whole time. I read through several of my journal entries about our struggles with the kids behavior and getting through the rough times into the joyous times. 11-24-13: No matter how far our son and daughter may run, we will chase them in Your relentless love. Though our tears may fall, our anxieties rise, we know this is Your will.
I remember before I wrote this I took refuge in the hotel bathroom. We were with the kids in a hotel room for thanksgiving weekend with our families in Dallas. We had just had a very tough night with Waylon. These kids have triggers, they have sensory issues to different situations, and we have a lot to learn about what makes them tick and then tock in harmony with life. That thanksgiving night was not an easy one. We had a small hiccup in our evening that lasted about an hour. If it weren't for Robert and his patience we would probably still be stuck trying to get our son out from hiding under the bed. We finished off the night and as always things end fine and we typically get to enjoy bed time with the kids, but my heart was so troubled that I had to find solitude in the bathroom - the only hideout in a hotel room. I haven't cried and fallen on my knees like that in a long time. My face hurt from the pressure of trying not to let me tears be loud but to let them come. I knew that the enemy of the world was trying to make me doubt everything and to forget every promise God had fulfilled and every truth about our little developing family. My insecurities and ignorance of motherhood was being driven at the front of my mind. My only escape was to fight it head on with my face to the ground and a pool of tears that I was willing to shed for those two kids in the other room. I cried out to God for them, their future, their hearts, their souls, their bonding for Robert and I... I asked for patience, for understanding, and plainly for God to hold me together bc I in that moment had lost all strength. Robert came in and was my stronghold. I have had many people say how we need to be careful to not lose our connection together and to make our marriage stronger... In that moment I knew we were going to be nothing but in this together. I need him and God has used him all the time we have been together to be the spiritual lead and I know he has needed me at times too, we can't work without Christ. And now as upcoming parents we have cried out to God more fervently than ever before for our kids.
That night God once again showed himself to me and although I had to keep my eyes focused on him with multiple prayers being whispered under my breath, I knew that no matter what distractions or struggles came that my God would be there to hold me as I fell on my knees again and again. I have a problem with expecting perfection although nothing has been perfect in my life except finding my true love, so God has had to break apart my fear of having a less than perfect child and having a lesser than perfect parenting moment. Aren't we all just figuring it out and going with the flow of whatever works the best? Not being an expert or even a few days as a parent yet I have figured out right now the best tool I have is prayer. Unbiased and shameless prayer. I have heard of many stories where mothers have prayed so hard for their children to turn from addictions and lives full of sin for years upon years. Those mothers had their prayers answered. How much so that I should commit to pray for my kids, for Waylon and Elva, and every kind of uncertain decision and future that awaits us. I believe in the power of prayer. And if you don't, I invite you to try it out. Not just praying but believing. God can do so much through a humble heart that prays. And I know that all of you who have committed to praying for my kids have just added to the power of mine and Roberts own prayers. Try prayer. I find it's best done just surrendered on your knees. Someone once told me if you want your life to change or something to get better- suck some carpet.
Oh, yes God we owe you our highest thanks. Oh the roads you lead us on aren't smooth or luxurious, but how beautiful is the scenery and the destination when we place our hope and trust in you. Lord continue to be my guide. I surrender it all and everyday I will give you my life, my loves, my all to you.
Amidst the hard times, the greatest memories are the happy ones. We have been able to talk with both kids very openly now about coming to be with us forever to be adopted. While it's a lot to chew for these kids, they are very excited to become apart of our family. Yes I think it will still be a while before either of them calls me "mom" I know that when that day comes that it will be one of the best.
As of now the kids will be brought to us Friday. Then forever we begin the process of fulfilling our commitment to them and to The Lord and making ourselves a family. I can't wait!
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. (Ephesians 3:19 NLT)
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Waiting and Learning
As we count down the days till they come to our home forever, we continue the story....
The rest of our first moments with our kids consisted of us taking them to a local park for the day, swimming at the hotel pool, and keeping them overnight for the first time in a small hotel room. Not to skip over the details, but we had alot to learn about these kids and we were very much thrown into instant parenthood without knowing even what they liked to eat or what time they normally go to bed. Now I know that babies do not come with an instruction manual, but most of the time you get to write your own manual on that child as they grow. We not only didn't have a manual, we didn't have the beginning secrets of what made them who they are. We had a great first weekend with them and we sure did figure out fast what their "triggers" were and we saw how they were going to try and push our buttons. Remember when we said this wasn't going to be easy...like any child who has an opinion about anything, we were to find out just what kind of love and structure Waylon needed, just how tender Elva was, and just how much they would get very close to pushing us over the edge. BUT we also learned what things made them laugh, how we could get them to smile, and that they would do anything when bribed with sweets (me too :)
Its fun and emotionally draining figuring out your child for the first time, while still trying to connect to them and form a bond, but without taking things too fast. We, again, were very cautious not to mention adoption or staying with us forever as through this whole process it boils down to the kids' choice after we have them in our home 6 months. Yes, the kids have their own special amount of rights and after we have them for 6 months, they will get asked if they want to be with us forever. How frightening that our kids could say no to us after all the hard work we are willing to invest. BUT thinking that way gets my anxiety up and honestly, this is in God's hands. He wouldn't have brought us this far and invested our four lives together if it wasn't in his purpose and plan. SO, I can think about the next 6 months or I can just take it one day at a time.
After we saw the kids for the first time ever in November, we began to keep up with them through phone calls. We would rotate days, calling one child a day just to say we missed them and couldn't wait to see them again. Its kind of weird to think back to those first few phone calls when we really didn't know what to say and how hard it was not to scream our WE LOVE YOU to end the call. Elva's conversations usually consisted of her just saying hi, I miss you, I drew a picture of a______ today, I miss you... and so forth. Waylon had more to say on the phone, but we had decided for the sake of making things easier on him, to have Robert call him on the phone.
I have to insert here that Waylon is a very good kid and just needs to be loved by a real family. BUT he once had a mom. A realization that we will live with forever, for he had to watch his family fall apart and take care of his little sister through it all in order for us to get where we are now. Waylon has seen love fall apart at too young of an age. I will never be able to take away his memories to start fresh, but I can show him how real love can be true and genuine.
So with that being said, Waylon was not very responsive to me at first. I was very cautious to follow his signals to keep the affection to a minimum and to watch my words. It was very important that I not push myself as a new mom onto him. Elva, sweet girl, was hungry and thirsty and for a family and latched onto us like a leech. We had to watch how much we gave her attention vs Waylon. All things you normally dont have to think about with your children on a daily basis, but it was something that was constantly on my mind.
SO... during phone calls, we would have Robert call Waylon, you know, to have man to boy talk...
until the one day that he finally asked to talk to me. I must have looked like a fool all giddy as I was. I called his foster parent and heard his excitement from the other side of the phone as he asked Waylon if he wanted to talk to me. To hear that excitement was such a warm break through in my heart. Maybe, just maybe he would give me a chance. Now conversations with an 8 year old aren't the most interesting, but we talked about games and upcoming visits and what things he might like in his room... err uhh the one he would stay in when he came to visit... if he wanted to. Remember we had to avoid the conversation of forever and adoption for the time being, so to say what do you want in your room had to be further explained.
From that moment on, we would call both children together and spend time talking to each of them individually. I realize now how important it is to document your child's first words... but how even more important for us was to document the first time our children said I love you to us. November 22nd, the day we drove through sleet and freezing temperatures to reach our kids was the day that Waylon first said I love you to me on the phone while he waited our arrival. Elva first said those sweet words sometime in the week before while just having a typical conversation. How great those words are to hear. And how much I want to earn the emotions and feelings and meanings behind those words. I still can't wait for the day they call me mom, but I know I may have to wait for that one a little longer.
BUT wait I will do. Whatever it takes, I will wait.
11 days. The sounds of the kid's voices on the phone at this time are so much more filled with joy. We say I love you freely and openly to each other on the phone now, although at times Waylon is a little more reluctant to say it, but thats ok. Through everything I've learned to just accept things and to know that things are ok. God has a plan, He always has a plan. Do we want to follow it or not? Do we want to live in fear or anxiety or do we want to live in peace? frankly at this point, I definitely choose peace. 11 days. Counting down...to our little piece of forever.
Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all! 2 Thessalonians 3:16
The rest of our first moments with our kids consisted of us taking them to a local park for the day, swimming at the hotel pool, and keeping them overnight for the first time in a small hotel room. Not to skip over the details, but we had alot to learn about these kids and we were very much thrown into instant parenthood without knowing even what they liked to eat or what time they normally go to bed. Now I know that babies do not come with an instruction manual, but most of the time you get to write your own manual on that child as they grow. We not only didn't have a manual, we didn't have the beginning secrets of what made them who they are. We had a great first weekend with them and we sure did figure out fast what their "triggers" were and we saw how they were going to try and push our buttons. Remember when we said this wasn't going to be easy...like any child who has an opinion about anything, we were to find out just what kind of love and structure Waylon needed, just how tender Elva was, and just how much they would get very close to pushing us over the edge. BUT we also learned what things made them laugh, how we could get them to smile, and that they would do anything when bribed with sweets (me too :)
Its fun and emotionally draining figuring out your child for the first time, while still trying to connect to them and form a bond, but without taking things too fast. We, again, were very cautious not to mention adoption or staying with us forever as through this whole process it boils down to the kids' choice after we have them in our home 6 months. Yes, the kids have their own special amount of rights and after we have them for 6 months, they will get asked if they want to be with us forever. How frightening that our kids could say no to us after all the hard work we are willing to invest. BUT thinking that way gets my anxiety up and honestly, this is in God's hands. He wouldn't have brought us this far and invested our four lives together if it wasn't in his purpose and plan. SO, I can think about the next 6 months or I can just take it one day at a time.
After we saw the kids for the first time ever in November, we began to keep up with them through phone calls. We would rotate days, calling one child a day just to say we missed them and couldn't wait to see them again. Its kind of weird to think back to those first few phone calls when we really didn't know what to say and how hard it was not to scream our WE LOVE YOU to end the call. Elva's conversations usually consisted of her just saying hi, I miss you, I drew a picture of a______ today, I miss you... and so forth. Waylon had more to say on the phone, but we had decided for the sake of making things easier on him, to have Robert call him on the phone.
I have to insert here that Waylon is a very good kid and just needs to be loved by a real family. BUT he once had a mom. A realization that we will live with forever, for he had to watch his family fall apart and take care of his little sister through it all in order for us to get where we are now. Waylon has seen love fall apart at too young of an age. I will never be able to take away his memories to start fresh, but I can show him how real love can be true and genuine.
So with that being said, Waylon was not very responsive to me at first. I was very cautious to follow his signals to keep the affection to a minimum and to watch my words. It was very important that I not push myself as a new mom onto him. Elva, sweet girl, was hungry and thirsty and for a family and latched onto us like a leech. We had to watch how much we gave her attention vs Waylon. All things you normally dont have to think about with your children on a daily basis, but it was something that was constantly on my mind.
SO... during phone calls, we would have Robert call Waylon, you know, to have man to boy talk...
until the one day that he finally asked to talk to me. I must have looked like a fool all giddy as I was. I called his foster parent and heard his excitement from the other side of the phone as he asked Waylon if he wanted to talk to me. To hear that excitement was such a warm break through in my heart. Maybe, just maybe he would give me a chance. Now conversations with an 8 year old aren't the most interesting, but we talked about games and upcoming visits and what things he might like in his room... err uhh the one he would stay in when he came to visit... if he wanted to. Remember we had to avoid the conversation of forever and adoption for the time being, so to say what do you want in your room had to be further explained.
From that moment on, we would call both children together and spend time talking to each of them individually. I realize now how important it is to document your child's first words... but how even more important for us was to document the first time our children said I love you to us. November 22nd, the day we drove through sleet and freezing temperatures to reach our kids was the day that Waylon first said I love you to me on the phone while he waited our arrival. Elva first said those sweet words sometime in the week before while just having a typical conversation. How great those words are to hear. And how much I want to earn the emotions and feelings and meanings behind those words. I still can't wait for the day they call me mom, but I know I may have to wait for that one a little longer.
BUT wait I will do. Whatever it takes, I will wait.
11 days. The sounds of the kid's voices on the phone at this time are so much more filled with joy. We say I love you freely and openly to each other on the phone now, although at times Waylon is a little more reluctant to say it, but thats ok. Through everything I've learned to just accept things and to know that things are ok. God has a plan, He always has a plan. Do we want to follow it or not? Do we want to live in fear or anxiety or do we want to live in peace? frankly at this point, I definitely choose peace. 11 days. Counting down...to our little piece of forever.
Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all! 2 Thessalonians 3:16
Saturday, December 7, 2013
In that First Moment
I am writing this post on 11/13/13 to keep the memories fresh on my mind, but I know I'm not posting it until whenever today is...
On Friday, November 8, our world took a turn, a new page turned, a new road opened up and with it the floodgates of emotions and realities started to sink in... on this day we got to meet our children for the very first time.
After many weeks of praying for these children and patiently waiting for the next step, the next go ahead from the authorities that be, we were given the green light. As we drove from Midland the 4 hours to the city where they resided, I was emotionally wrecked with joy, happiness, anxiety, and fear like I had never felt before. I think I talked Robert's ear off with nervousness the whole way! This was the moment we were patiently (well somewhat) awaiting for weeks and weeks, the chance to see them face to face. The drive was totally a blur and seemed to drag on all day. Navigating to our hotel through an unknown city was hard bc of all the nerves.
We checked into our hotel and proceeded to get ready for the night ahead of us. With a few minutes to get changed from the drive and freshened up, I just prayed and prayed. There was nothing else I could do. Things were in Gods hands at that point bc my body was going numb from anticipation and fear. As I was unloading my suitcase a thought occurred to me...
"What do you wear to meet your kids for the first time ever?"
How strange and how not normal this situation was and how frightening that we were about to walk into this experience feeling like we were blindfolded and handing two little beings our hearts on a glass platter.The uncertainties and the fears were very real and very vivid. Of course, it didn't really matter what we decided to wear bc I'm sure kids don't really notice those details, but in a way we were interviewing to become parents... to our kids... so very strange. The questions began to run like crazy through my mind: what will they think of us? Do they know our names, our faces? What do we do when they get hungry, fussy, or tired? How will we break the ice? What if they don't like us, what if we aren't any fun to them? What if they refuse to go anywhere with us? I could have driven myself crazy with all the questions... and I could have let the enemy terrify me to death that I backed out and told Robert we had to drive back to Midland...
But no, God was my patience and my strength, He took my hand, whispered in my ear His calming words of encouragement, and led me through the hotel lobby, to our car, and with Robert, down the few blocks to the appropriate place we were to meet with the kids and their foster families.
The moment had arrived, as we pulled into the parking lot, we double checked the address, of course we were a few minutes ahead of schedule. Would they be in the lobby? What are the first words to my son and daughter going to be?
When a mother first meets their child, their newborn, I imagine it just being so emotional and joyful and happily chaotic as you take in the child's first cries, first breath, first every moment in life. And as they grow you get to mark down their many firsts- first steps, first time eating solid food, first words, first smile, first laugh, first fall, first bruise or scrape, first ... You fill in the blank. And there's usually photos or video to document these momentous occasions so you never forget.
At this time I have never seen a baby picture of either child. I don't know when they first developed their gross and fine motor skills (which kills me as a physical therapist), I have no idea what their first words were or what they liked to play with. Their firsts were about happen for us and there would be no typical new mommy and daddy fanfare happening around us.
There was just two terrified kids and two even more scared adults.
So as we walked into the building and saw Elva sitting there next to her foster mom, my body could have just fallen over from how tense and nervous I was. My first reaction from my daughter was a glare. Who is this strange person staring at me? She was very timid and shy, as I would be if I was meeting a perfect stranger who looked at me like they knew me. Waylon came in a few moments later and was happy to unite with his sister. He didn't even give us a glance. And not that I don't blame him...this was not normal.
We were introduced and led to a room where we had to talk some logistical stuff with their social worker. From what I could gather the kids had been told about us but just small details. The kids were not exactly aware that we were wanting to adopt them. We were warned not to even mention adoption or "living forever" to Waylon (for many reasons, he just wasn't ready to hear it). Really... I couldn't even talk to my kids about them coming to be with me forever. How not normal again.
After discussing some things about the kids and the whole situation and after being introduced to several other members of their CPS network we were able to go through a photo album we had created about our families with the kids. They asked some questions but were anxious to see what we were going to do after being stuck in this room. I have to share the best moment bc it was one of the happy memories we will have of our first meeting... while talking logistics the kids kept coming to us with large strips of paper and measuring our heads. They informed us that they were gonna make us king and queen crowns. And that they did. Elva put hot Cheetos on mine since she really likes hot Cheetos and she wanted me to like them too. We kept those crowns on for a long time and I even kept them in an album- minus the Cheetos bc that would be gross.
I can't say that our first meeting was everything I had hoped it would be. We took them to a golf/go cart/skating/game room place to just play games and break the ice together. There was a lot of awkward times and some less than glorious moments, again we felt like auditioning as parents. All I wanted to say was please like me! I love you and I am really fun! But I just had to take it one step at a time. There are so many more details I could share but for the sake of time and not overloading my server right now I will leave you with just one more paragraph about that first day.
The stress of the day cannot even begin to explain the emotional roller coaster that we went through. How hard it is to stare right at the perfect beautiful two sets of brown eyes you had prayed over and decided to love many weeks before and yet to have those eyes blankly even give you a second glance. We knew this was going to be hard, and knowing that these two kids are real people with real feelings and real opinions, just made it all that much harder. Robert and I had to trust God and to persevere through whatever doubts popped up around us. We felt like the most nervous babysitters in the world although instead we were pining for these kids to see past all the hustle bustle of the games and see Christs love through our eyes, a love that spoke of future to these kids. Elva is very loving and super creative, Waylon is also creative and smart and just playful boy. Together they are silly and super energetic. We love them. Though their first moments with us were less than a joyful and glorious chaotic happiness, we love them. The real challenge was now to begin... Showing them who we were and that we were there to be parents, to not be a babysitter or cool hang out person who would buy them tokens for game machines, that we simply and plainly love them.
Yes, the real challenge had now begun.
If you have been following us on facebook you know that we will officially be bringing the kids home on December 20th. We are overjoyed to be having them right before Christmas (although they sure are expensive to buy for :) and we are still in need of prayers. Throughout this entire journey we have definitely felt the prayers- keeping us safe on the road to see them, giving us strength to endure every rough patch and every crack in the road, giving us hope through each layer of the process- we have felt your prayers. And while we may fall apart at the end of the day from the stress, it is only God who has helped us stay strong. Thank you. December 20th is coming soon, and I know I have alot more to update this on and it will happen, just give me time to get my words right. Thank you all again for your support!
Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an INEXPRESSIBLE and GLORIOUS JOY, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:8-9
On Friday, November 8, our world took a turn, a new page turned, a new road opened up and with it the floodgates of emotions and realities started to sink in... on this day we got to meet our children for the very first time.
After many weeks of praying for these children and patiently waiting for the next step, the next go ahead from the authorities that be, we were given the green light. As we drove from Midland the 4 hours to the city where they resided, I was emotionally wrecked with joy, happiness, anxiety, and fear like I had never felt before. I think I talked Robert's ear off with nervousness the whole way! This was the moment we were patiently (well somewhat) awaiting for weeks and weeks, the chance to see them face to face. The drive was totally a blur and seemed to drag on all day. Navigating to our hotel through an unknown city was hard bc of all the nerves.
We checked into our hotel and proceeded to get ready for the night ahead of us. With a few minutes to get changed from the drive and freshened up, I just prayed and prayed. There was nothing else I could do. Things were in Gods hands at that point bc my body was going numb from anticipation and fear. As I was unloading my suitcase a thought occurred to me...
"What do you wear to meet your kids for the first time ever?"
How strange and how not normal this situation was and how frightening that we were about to walk into this experience feeling like we were blindfolded and handing two little beings our hearts on a glass platter.The uncertainties and the fears were very real and very vivid. Of course, it didn't really matter what we decided to wear bc I'm sure kids don't really notice those details, but in a way we were interviewing to become parents... to our kids... so very strange. The questions began to run like crazy through my mind: what will they think of us? Do they know our names, our faces? What do we do when they get hungry, fussy, or tired? How will we break the ice? What if they don't like us, what if we aren't any fun to them? What if they refuse to go anywhere with us? I could have driven myself crazy with all the questions... and I could have let the enemy terrify me to death that I backed out and told Robert we had to drive back to Midland...
But no, God was my patience and my strength, He took my hand, whispered in my ear His calming words of encouragement, and led me through the hotel lobby, to our car, and with Robert, down the few blocks to the appropriate place we were to meet with the kids and their foster families.
The moment had arrived, as we pulled into the parking lot, we double checked the address, of course we were a few minutes ahead of schedule. Would they be in the lobby? What are the first words to my son and daughter going to be?
When a mother first meets their child, their newborn, I imagine it just being so emotional and joyful and happily chaotic as you take in the child's first cries, first breath, first every moment in life. And as they grow you get to mark down their many firsts- first steps, first time eating solid food, first words, first smile, first laugh, first fall, first bruise or scrape, first ... You fill in the blank. And there's usually photos or video to document these momentous occasions so you never forget.
At this time I have never seen a baby picture of either child. I don't know when they first developed their gross and fine motor skills (which kills me as a physical therapist), I have no idea what their first words were or what they liked to play with. Their firsts were about happen for us and there would be no typical new mommy and daddy fanfare happening around us.
There was just two terrified kids and two even more scared adults.
So as we walked into the building and saw Elva sitting there next to her foster mom, my body could have just fallen over from how tense and nervous I was. My first reaction from my daughter was a glare. Who is this strange person staring at me? She was very timid and shy, as I would be if I was meeting a perfect stranger who looked at me like they knew me. Waylon came in a few moments later and was happy to unite with his sister. He didn't even give us a glance. And not that I don't blame him...this was not normal.
We were introduced and led to a room where we had to talk some logistical stuff with their social worker. From what I could gather the kids had been told about us but just small details. The kids were not exactly aware that we were wanting to adopt them. We were warned not to even mention adoption or "living forever" to Waylon (for many reasons, he just wasn't ready to hear it). Really... I couldn't even talk to my kids about them coming to be with me forever. How not normal again.
After discussing some things about the kids and the whole situation and after being introduced to several other members of their CPS network we were able to go through a photo album we had created about our families with the kids. They asked some questions but were anxious to see what we were going to do after being stuck in this room. I have to share the best moment bc it was one of the happy memories we will have of our first meeting... while talking logistics the kids kept coming to us with large strips of paper and measuring our heads. They informed us that they were gonna make us king and queen crowns. And that they did. Elva put hot Cheetos on mine since she really likes hot Cheetos and she wanted me to like them too. We kept those crowns on for a long time and I even kept them in an album- minus the Cheetos bc that would be gross.
I can't say that our first meeting was everything I had hoped it would be. We took them to a golf/go cart/skating/game room place to just play games and break the ice together. There was a lot of awkward times and some less than glorious moments, again we felt like auditioning as parents. All I wanted to say was please like me! I love you and I am really fun! But I just had to take it one step at a time. There are so many more details I could share but for the sake of time and not overloading my server right now I will leave you with just one more paragraph about that first day.
The stress of the day cannot even begin to explain the emotional roller coaster that we went through. How hard it is to stare right at the perfect beautiful two sets of brown eyes you had prayed over and decided to love many weeks before and yet to have those eyes blankly even give you a second glance. We knew this was going to be hard, and knowing that these two kids are real people with real feelings and real opinions, just made it all that much harder. Robert and I had to trust God and to persevere through whatever doubts popped up around us. We felt like the most nervous babysitters in the world although instead we were pining for these kids to see past all the hustle bustle of the games and see Christs love through our eyes, a love that spoke of future to these kids. Elva is very loving and super creative, Waylon is also creative and smart and just playful boy. Together they are silly and super energetic. We love them. Though their first moments with us were less than a joyful and glorious chaotic happiness, we love them. The real challenge was now to begin... Showing them who we were and that we were there to be parents, to not be a babysitter or cool hang out person who would buy them tokens for game machines, that we simply and plainly love them.
Yes, the real challenge had now begun.
If you have been following us on facebook you know that we will officially be bringing the kids home on December 20th. We are overjoyed to be having them right before Christmas (although they sure are expensive to buy for :) and we are still in need of prayers. Throughout this entire journey we have definitely felt the prayers- keeping us safe on the road to see them, giving us strength to endure every rough patch and every crack in the road, giving us hope through each layer of the process- we have felt your prayers. And while we may fall apart at the end of the day from the stress, it is only God who has helped us stay strong. Thank you. December 20th is coming soon, and I know I have alot more to update this on and it will happen, just give me time to get my words right. Thank you all again for your support!
Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an INEXPRESSIBLE and GLORIOUS JOY, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:8-9
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The Past is not Our Future
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Let's all give our glory and thanks to the One and only who has given us more than we could ever deserve or ask for. Even in the pit of brokenness and emptiness The Lord continues to provide, it's just us who have to reach out to Him. He is all we need and will never leave us!
Continuing our story...
Once we committed to Waylon and Elva, I just love getting to say their names, we were anxious to get to meet them. However, as most of this adoption process had gone there was still a lot of waiting to be done. Again we called on our Heavenly Father to be near to us as we began a new kind of battle of emotions. Joy is the closest thing I can describe to what we were exploding with for the prospect of our family coming together. And then of course the enemy liked to throw in a little but of terror, fear, insecurity, and doubt. I have been told by many of my mothering friends that even when you become pregnant with your biological children that these are common emotions. So we fought through them and kept our eyes on the Joy, His Joy. Again, there is no way we would be in this amazing position without the touch and powerful move of God. I humbly admit my failures and lesser than holy moments of struggle with the whole pregnancy issue but God wanted to take us to this new place and open up our hearts to such a love we had never considered. No I don't think adoption is for everyone and that's hard to say just knowing how many kids there are in the foster care system (and there is always more than enough waiting parents for newborns) but the kids that get pushed to the side and remain in foster care need a home. A real home. But not everyone is called or cut out to be that family which is where the American church needs to step in and those families help support the foster system and connecting families that are called to adopt to those orphans. All that to say, this is no light matter. Adoption is hard. Adoption will test you physically emotionally and even mentally (are we sane to do what we are doing?), but it will also test your marriage and the strength of your closest relationships. It will test your faith and I honestly don't see how anyone without a strong faith (be that one that is growing in Christ, not my strength but His) can pursue this life.
These are the sacrifices and tests we are willing to endure... Bc Christ has given us the ability.
So in order to see the kids and begin the process of having them come into our lives forever we had to get the file. Every child in foster care will have a file. It's got their entire life history in there and it's a requirement for this type of program for you to see before you are given the next green light. What was frustrating for us after seeing their picture and laying down our lives to The Lord in commitment to them, was we had to wait several weeks to get the file. Talk about driving me crazy up the wall! Again I think I bugged HollyAnn relentlessly if she knew when they were sending us the file. After most of October, we finally got the news that the file was in route to our house. Woohoo!
The funny thing is that none of our family knew at this time that we had selected our kids so when the file came to our house and our little bro was playing with Sadie I kind of laughed bc we had to wait till he left to open it up. October 17th was the date, the cd was final in our grasp, the file that would tell us everything about their history, everything about why they had been taken from their family, and everything since then. I popped the CD in my computer... The whizzing started. 5 minutes later the file popped up. 980 pages of a PDF file.
980 pages.
It was 8 o'clock when I started reading and reading and reading, started crying, read some more, would stop to catch up Robert (I read faster), blow my nose here, read some more, went through emotions from anger to sadness to relief to despair and back again, kept reading, 10 pm, 11 pm, 12 am, kept reading, I felt like I was covering the most important textbook ever given to me in one night, nothing would have kept me from finishing every single page. I didn't want to miss one thing, I was essentially reading my kids life story instead of getting to see it firsthand. I even get emotional writing this bc I know that there is 6 and 8 years of their life that I will never get back. Every medical record, CPS file, police report, doctors visit, everything was in that file. I finally finished it at 1 am. All I could do was sigh and pray. God, this is their past. This is what they have lived through. All these years we can't get back, but how I thank you for taking them from this and allowing them to be redeemed. Their past is not our future, God. We have new life in you as Born again Christians, how much more will these children have a new life by coming into our home. God we are scared but so are they. Give us all the direction and the peace in your name, Amen.
The details that were in the file will remain there, for they are not important anymore. Yes there will come a day that we may have to show it to them, but I pray God will wipe all the memories away. I praise The Lord for keeping them safe. They are healthy, smart (maybe too smart), creative, and playful children, but they are also broken, damaged, and hurt. The emotions and blueprints from their past don't disappear in a day so we know that there will be tough days and good days and necessary help from outside sources but it's all worth it. I will say that our children, praise The Lord, were never exposed to physical abuse as far as we can tell, but other abuses have tainted their little souls until God can provide them full healing which I know will come one day.
It all will be ok, one day.
They will be part of our family, one day.
And one day, they will trust The Lord with their lives. That will be the best day.
Thank you for everyone's support. We are truly blown away and overwhelmed as things are now moving faster than ever. Through His graces we will bring these kids home soon.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
This by the way is mine and Roberts favorite verse :)
Continuing our story...
Once we committed to Waylon and Elva, I just love getting to say their names, we were anxious to get to meet them. However, as most of this adoption process had gone there was still a lot of waiting to be done. Again we called on our Heavenly Father to be near to us as we began a new kind of battle of emotions. Joy is the closest thing I can describe to what we were exploding with for the prospect of our family coming together. And then of course the enemy liked to throw in a little but of terror, fear, insecurity, and doubt. I have been told by many of my mothering friends that even when you become pregnant with your biological children that these are common emotions. So we fought through them and kept our eyes on the Joy, His Joy. Again, there is no way we would be in this amazing position without the touch and powerful move of God. I humbly admit my failures and lesser than holy moments of struggle with the whole pregnancy issue but God wanted to take us to this new place and open up our hearts to such a love we had never considered. No I don't think adoption is for everyone and that's hard to say just knowing how many kids there are in the foster care system (and there is always more than enough waiting parents for newborns) but the kids that get pushed to the side and remain in foster care need a home. A real home. But not everyone is called or cut out to be that family which is where the American church needs to step in and those families help support the foster system and connecting families that are called to adopt to those orphans. All that to say, this is no light matter. Adoption is hard. Adoption will test you physically emotionally and even mentally (are we sane to do what we are doing?), but it will also test your marriage and the strength of your closest relationships. It will test your faith and I honestly don't see how anyone without a strong faith (be that one that is growing in Christ, not my strength but His) can pursue this life.
These are the sacrifices and tests we are willing to endure... Bc Christ has given us the ability.
So in order to see the kids and begin the process of having them come into our lives forever we had to get the file. Every child in foster care will have a file. It's got their entire life history in there and it's a requirement for this type of program for you to see before you are given the next green light. What was frustrating for us after seeing their picture and laying down our lives to The Lord in commitment to them, was we had to wait several weeks to get the file. Talk about driving me crazy up the wall! Again I think I bugged HollyAnn relentlessly if she knew when they were sending us the file. After most of October, we finally got the news that the file was in route to our house. Woohoo!
The funny thing is that none of our family knew at this time that we had selected our kids so when the file came to our house and our little bro was playing with Sadie I kind of laughed bc we had to wait till he left to open it up. October 17th was the date, the cd was final in our grasp, the file that would tell us everything about their history, everything about why they had been taken from their family, and everything since then. I popped the CD in my computer... The whizzing started. 5 minutes later the file popped up. 980 pages of a PDF file.
980 pages.
It was 8 o'clock when I started reading and reading and reading, started crying, read some more, would stop to catch up Robert (I read faster), blow my nose here, read some more, went through emotions from anger to sadness to relief to despair and back again, kept reading, 10 pm, 11 pm, 12 am, kept reading, I felt like I was covering the most important textbook ever given to me in one night, nothing would have kept me from finishing every single page. I didn't want to miss one thing, I was essentially reading my kids life story instead of getting to see it firsthand. I even get emotional writing this bc I know that there is 6 and 8 years of their life that I will never get back. Every medical record, CPS file, police report, doctors visit, everything was in that file. I finally finished it at 1 am. All I could do was sigh and pray. God, this is their past. This is what they have lived through. All these years we can't get back, but how I thank you for taking them from this and allowing them to be redeemed. Their past is not our future, God. We have new life in you as Born again Christians, how much more will these children have a new life by coming into our home. God we are scared but so are they. Give us all the direction and the peace in your name, Amen.
The details that were in the file will remain there, for they are not important anymore. Yes there will come a day that we may have to show it to them, but I pray God will wipe all the memories away. I praise The Lord for keeping them safe. They are healthy, smart (maybe too smart), creative, and playful children, but they are also broken, damaged, and hurt. The emotions and blueprints from their past don't disappear in a day so we know that there will be tough days and good days and necessary help from outside sources but it's all worth it. I will say that our children, praise The Lord, were never exposed to physical abuse as far as we can tell, but other abuses have tainted their little souls until God can provide them full healing which I know will come one day.
It all will be ok, one day.
They will be part of our family, one day.
And one day, they will trust The Lord with their lives. That will be the best day.
Thank you for everyone's support. We are truly blown away and overwhelmed as things are now moving faster than ever. Through His graces we will bring these kids home soon.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
This by the way is mine and Roberts favorite verse :)
Friday, November 22, 2013
The Day that Changed Our Lives
There are no words for how scary and exquisitely excited I am to write this post. I know you want to skip down to the bottom to catch the BIG NEWS but please read everything first.
God is wonderful. His timing is perfect. His love reaches beyond our wildest imaginations and beyond the depths of the deepest ocean. It is through that love that He has led us to this amazing point in our lives...
On September 26th I was having a tough day with the whole waiting thing. I was getting extra anxious that we weren't getting any profiles or any names or any steps in any direction for this adoption. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and scream. I prayed hard and shed many tears asking God for another sign, another confirmation (aren't we silly humans, as if He hadn't already confirmed enough for me), that we were doing everything we needed to, that we were going in the right direction. As I was battling my emotions and my faith, I finally came to the end of my rope and surrendered everything to God... Then He answered me (again).
I received two phone calls that night from two different friends that just out of the blue wanted to call and offer encouragement in the adoption process. Thank you God for your presence when we need it most! My anxiety and my jittery heart was instantly calmed from talking to these two women. I began to tell myself that I most likely wasn't going to meet my children this year and that I should just relax and continue to focus on prayer. Little did I know!
September 27th (Friday)
We received The Call that changed our lives. HollyAnn said she had a profile of a boy and a girl, a little on the older side of what we were asking for, and she wanted to know if we were interested.
Ummmm, yes.
I was at work when I got the call, I began to pray and pray, God what if this is it? God we asked you from the beginning to not have to make us say no, but to give us that certainty feeling when we were presented with the right profile. Well, after I got off work I just couldn't help smiling. I called Robert and asked what he thought. All we had were two names, two ages, and a small blurb on their past. Robert and I both felt strongly that this was worth pursuing, that we were feeling enough of a tug to dive deeper into these children's lives and pray for the possibility of a future.
That afternoon, we had the privilege of seeing the first pictures of our son and daughter. We also had to go through the painstaking details of their past and reading the reason for why they were properties of the state in foster care in the first place. While there are so many things that these precious little ones have had to endure, the details are not important because God has led them to our doorstep and we have nothing but the future ahead of us. We took the weekend to pray, consulting some of our most trusted prayer partners, and on Sunday evening, we committed to the children. We knew we were signing up for the love and safety and security of these precious beings but also for the tears, the fears, and the pain from helping them overcome their past and accept the life and future ahead of them. But no matter the risks and no matter the uncertainties, we were ready to jump head first into their hearts, into God's arms.
I am delighted to take you now on a new journey with us... the journey to and through our parenthood.
So without further ado, I proudly announce that we are adopting a little girl, Elva age 6, and her adorable brother, Waylon age 8.
Pictures say a thousand words, but we arent ready to release their picture on the internet just yet. There are alot of fears with adoption and we want to keep these kids safe for the time being until they are officially ours. The plan is, we will have them before Christmas. Then they stay with us as our unofficial children for 6 months and then we can officially adopt them. This will be a fun and trying time for us, but our hearts are open and ready, what more could we ask for :)
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
1Corinthians 13:3-4
God is wonderful. His timing is perfect. His love reaches beyond our wildest imaginations and beyond the depths of the deepest ocean. It is through that love that He has led us to this amazing point in our lives...
On September 26th I was having a tough day with the whole waiting thing. I was getting extra anxious that we weren't getting any profiles or any names or any steps in any direction for this adoption. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and scream. I prayed hard and shed many tears asking God for another sign, another confirmation (aren't we silly humans, as if He hadn't already confirmed enough for me), that we were doing everything we needed to, that we were going in the right direction. As I was battling my emotions and my faith, I finally came to the end of my rope and surrendered everything to God... Then He answered me (again).
I received two phone calls that night from two different friends that just out of the blue wanted to call and offer encouragement in the adoption process. Thank you God for your presence when we need it most! My anxiety and my jittery heart was instantly calmed from talking to these two women. I began to tell myself that I most likely wasn't going to meet my children this year and that I should just relax and continue to focus on prayer. Little did I know!
September 27th (Friday)
We received The Call that changed our lives. HollyAnn said she had a profile of a boy and a girl, a little on the older side of what we were asking for, and she wanted to know if we were interested.
Ummmm, yes.
I was at work when I got the call, I began to pray and pray, God what if this is it? God we asked you from the beginning to not have to make us say no, but to give us that certainty feeling when we were presented with the right profile. Well, after I got off work I just couldn't help smiling. I called Robert and asked what he thought. All we had were two names, two ages, and a small blurb on their past. Robert and I both felt strongly that this was worth pursuing, that we were feeling enough of a tug to dive deeper into these children's lives and pray for the possibility of a future.
That afternoon, we had the privilege of seeing the first pictures of our son and daughter. We also had to go through the painstaking details of their past and reading the reason for why they were properties of the state in foster care in the first place. While there are so many things that these precious little ones have had to endure, the details are not important because God has led them to our doorstep and we have nothing but the future ahead of us. We took the weekend to pray, consulting some of our most trusted prayer partners, and on Sunday evening, we committed to the children. We knew we were signing up for the love and safety and security of these precious beings but also for the tears, the fears, and the pain from helping them overcome their past and accept the life and future ahead of them. But no matter the risks and no matter the uncertainties, we were ready to jump head first into their hearts, into God's arms.
I am delighted to take you now on a new journey with us... the journey to and through our parenthood.
So without further ado, I proudly announce that we are adopting a little girl, Elva age 6, and her adorable brother, Waylon age 8.
Pictures say a thousand words, but we arent ready to release their picture on the internet just yet. There are alot of fears with adoption and we want to keep these kids safe for the time being until they are officially ours. The plan is, we will have them before Christmas. Then they stay with us as our unofficial children for 6 months and then we can officially adopt them. This will be a fun and trying time for us, but our hearts are open and ready, what more could we ask for :)
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
1Corinthians 13:3-4
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Sometimes We are Called to Wait
Following our adoptive training in April/May, we were pleased to finally be able announce to our family and friends about the adoption. After we surprised our family, we knew we had to tell our "other" children asap... the youth group. They mean so much to us that it was important for us to include them in being some of the first to know. We wanted them to know that we weren't going to abandon them for our new children, but that we wanted their help and their support as they will be like big brothers and sisters to our kiddos. They were excited to say the least... and they requested we get Mexican kids... will keep that in mind :)
So the word was now out and I felt like I was stripping away my soul for the world to stare at nakedly. Of course I was expecting the obvious questions to come creeping back in... can you not get pregnant? Have ya'll been tested? What if you do get pregnant? I bet you will get pregnant after you adopt... bla bla all that. And you already know my stance on those questions and comments... I dislike them heavily. Adoption is a calling, not a form of fertility treatment. and Adoption does not mean that someone failed at pregnancy. But I gritted my teeth and answered them with as much grace as I could bc I knew that somehow through this process God was going to get the glory and I certainly didn't want the focus to be on myself. And I will state it again as it is the most important thing to remember through this journey... My life is nothing without Christ and the path He has chosen to lead us down is the path we never want to stray from, no matter the good, the bad, the hard, the joys, the tears, the pain, God has made a way and it is through HIS strength that we follow His lead in our lives.
Ok now thats cleared up... to continue:
It was a very joyous and nervous time for us to share our news with the world. As we answered questions and told the same story over and over again I just prayed that people would see that God was working in our lives. We were told that we were now just waiting for paperwork to finalize (our Home Study which turned out to be a 15 page report on our lives and family) and then to find the right profile. When I say profile I mean the small blurb of detail about a child or group of children that you have to decide if you want to pursue them or not. In May to June we received only 2 profiles, one of a sibling group of three kids and one of a sibling group of two. Each profile carried something that just didn't seem right for us. I never thought saying no to a picture and some names would be so hard, like I was throwing these kids in the garbage. Knowing that each little smile was looking for a family, but also knowing that I wasn't right for them. It was a tough emotion to swallow.
It was then, after spending much time in prayer and saying no to those two profiles that I decided that this was going to be the hardest thing we have ever faced in our young lives. I prayed a very specific prayer to God, and one that I know He will honor. I asked Him to spare us from having to reject and turn down any amount of children (bc lets face it, they aren't profiles but actual children's lives) and that when we opened the right profile that we would know without a shadow of a doubt that we were to pursue these kids. Essentially I was asking him to not give us any profiles except The ONE that He knew was waiting for us. Oh how sometimes God gives us our prayers directly as a blessing, but also as a curse.
I can't say that I'm much of a good wait-er but I was about to find out just how much of a wait-er I was going to have to be. Just as I had the previous year anxiously watched for signs that I was pregnant, I began to watch for the number on my email to change in hopes that one of those emails was a profile. And each time it wasn't, I was so disappointed and sad. I knew God had the perfect timing in His mind, but I also knew that all we needed was that profile and things would change. Poor HollyAnn... she was patient with us... ok with me, as I often texted her "anything new? any word?" countless times, to which she would reply "not yet, this is just how adoption goes sometimes". Grrr. Waiting is not fun. Like a kid waiting for their birthday party to start or for Christmas or candy or something, I have found that I am not good at being still and just waiting.
So many questions, God. How long will we have to wait? How long till we know what their faces look like, what their names are, what they like, dislike, what makes them unique, what does their laugh sound like, what makes them smile, what are the color of their eyes, how tall are they, what do they dream about, what are their favorite things, what foods do they eat, where have they been, when can we bring them home?
Wait. God calls us sometimes to Wait. Good thing is, He is walking through the wait with us.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven...a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4
So the word was now out and I felt like I was stripping away my soul for the world to stare at nakedly. Of course I was expecting the obvious questions to come creeping back in... can you not get pregnant? Have ya'll been tested? What if you do get pregnant? I bet you will get pregnant after you adopt... bla bla all that. And you already know my stance on those questions and comments... I dislike them heavily. Adoption is a calling, not a form of fertility treatment. and Adoption does not mean that someone failed at pregnancy. But I gritted my teeth and answered them with as much grace as I could bc I knew that somehow through this process God was going to get the glory and I certainly didn't want the focus to be on myself. And I will state it again as it is the most important thing to remember through this journey... My life is nothing without Christ and the path He has chosen to lead us down is the path we never want to stray from, no matter the good, the bad, the hard, the joys, the tears, the pain, God has made a way and it is through HIS strength that we follow His lead in our lives.
Ok now thats cleared up... to continue:
It was a very joyous and nervous time for us to share our news with the world. As we answered questions and told the same story over and over again I just prayed that people would see that God was working in our lives. We were told that we were now just waiting for paperwork to finalize (our Home Study which turned out to be a 15 page report on our lives and family) and then to find the right profile. When I say profile I mean the small blurb of detail about a child or group of children that you have to decide if you want to pursue them or not. In May to June we received only 2 profiles, one of a sibling group of three kids and one of a sibling group of two. Each profile carried something that just didn't seem right for us. I never thought saying no to a picture and some names would be so hard, like I was throwing these kids in the garbage. Knowing that each little smile was looking for a family, but also knowing that I wasn't right for them. It was a tough emotion to swallow.
It was then, after spending much time in prayer and saying no to those two profiles that I decided that this was going to be the hardest thing we have ever faced in our young lives. I prayed a very specific prayer to God, and one that I know He will honor. I asked Him to spare us from having to reject and turn down any amount of children (bc lets face it, they aren't profiles but actual children's lives) and that when we opened the right profile that we would know without a shadow of a doubt that we were to pursue these kids. Essentially I was asking him to not give us any profiles except The ONE that He knew was waiting for us. Oh how sometimes God gives us our prayers directly as a blessing, but also as a curse.
I can't say that I'm much of a good wait-er but I was about to find out just how much of a wait-er I was going to have to be. Just as I had the previous year anxiously watched for signs that I was pregnant, I began to watch for the number on my email to change in hopes that one of those emails was a profile. And each time it wasn't, I was so disappointed and sad. I knew God had the perfect timing in His mind, but I also knew that all we needed was that profile and things would change. Poor HollyAnn... she was patient with us... ok with me, as I often texted her "anything new? any word?" countless times, to which she would reply "not yet, this is just how adoption goes sometimes". Grrr. Waiting is not fun. Like a kid waiting for their birthday party to start or for Christmas or candy or something, I have found that I am not good at being still and just waiting.
So many questions, God. How long will we have to wait? How long till we know what their faces look like, what their names are, what they like, dislike, what makes them unique, what does their laugh sound like, what makes them smile, what are the color of their eyes, how tall are they, what do they dream about, what are their favorite things, what foods do they eat, where have they been, when can we bring them home?
Wait. God calls us sometimes to Wait. Good thing is, He is walking through the wait with us.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven...a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Prayerfully Consider...
I know it has been awhile and I hate that it has, but when you are tired and working on many projects you just have to put somethings aside for awhile... that being said I haven't gone anywhere :)
Last time I talked about how we committed to the Waiting Child program through our adoption agency, Addy's Hope. The next thing to do was to fill out the application. Now I'm putting this in here because again this my healing, releasing the emotions that went along with this process. Essentially filling out this application was the same equivalent to taking a pregnancy test... it was our beginning. The only difference is, when you find out your pregnant you don't get to pick and choose the ingredients for your child. They are part of the combination of genetics between the man and woman... in our case, however, we had a lot of things to consider. After you fill out your name, address, bla bla all that... you come to a section that for our agency said "Prayerfully consider any diagnosis and disabilities that you would accept in your home." Wow. Prayerfully consider... the list was quite large.
So pray we did.
And let me just say, I work as a physical therapist for children and adults of all ages (from birth to 90+)... and I have seen just about every diagnosis and disability that was listed on that page. It was extremely a struggle for me to pick and choose what I wanted, or more so what God wanted in our children. I had the opportunity to do what most parents only hope and pray for... choose the characteristics of a healthy child. Normal parents don't get a say if their child is missing a limb, is bling, deaf, or has developmental delays... but here on this paper we had a choice. I will say that God helped us fill out that page and we prayed over each item specifically. In the end the check marks were done and we moved to the rest of the application... (telling about our family which was easy to do so I won't go on about that).
After turning in our application, it seemed like everything went suddenly so fast. April is much of a blur to me as we began the next phase in our process... TRAINING.
Amidst acquiring all necessary documents and paperwork (yes there is a lot more than just an application), we began training to become adoptive parents. Robert and I with Holly Ann and another couple spent over 30 hours together reviewing the bad, the worst, and the even worse situations that our potential kids could have, most likely did, and definitely experienced from birth to whatever age they come to us. There were a few tears, several awkward moments, and lots of highs in our emotions. This training helped us to see past just a child who may throw a fit or steal or hide or run away... it helped us see the hurt they had gone through and the mindset behind the behavior. I wish every parent could go through this bc if I was having a baby I would feel more ready to understand my child and a little more in the know.
This training covered various levels of abuse, feelings and emotions regarding the abuser and the abused, typical behavior patterns, what not to do and what you need to do, and opening up a world of resources for us to pursue. I feel that this training helped me understand my patients at work better and I now have a different mindset when they get upset or throw a fit depending on their lifestyle circumstances.
30 hours of training... we squeezed it into every spare few hours we had...after work, on the weekends between events, you name it we were training fools. And I appreciate Holly Ann for being so willing to accommodate our schedules but to also not drag out the training over months and months bc after the training we had a lot more things waiting for us and we needed to have our time invested in those things while our hearts were so invested in the adoption.
The technicalities were pretty much over with after the training. We had to have a home study as required by all adopting and foster parents but with Holly Ann it was quite fun having her ask use questions about our marriage, family, our relationship with each other, with other kids, our church, and so on. So we were ready to start looking for our kids... to start seeing faces and reading stories and preparing our home for their arrival... but God had a few more lessons for us to learn first. A lesson in Waiting.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Last time I talked about how we committed to the Waiting Child program through our adoption agency, Addy's Hope. The next thing to do was to fill out the application. Now I'm putting this in here because again this my healing, releasing the emotions that went along with this process. Essentially filling out this application was the same equivalent to taking a pregnancy test... it was our beginning. The only difference is, when you find out your pregnant you don't get to pick and choose the ingredients for your child. They are part of the combination of genetics between the man and woman... in our case, however, we had a lot of things to consider. After you fill out your name, address, bla bla all that... you come to a section that for our agency said "Prayerfully consider any diagnosis and disabilities that you would accept in your home." Wow. Prayerfully consider... the list was quite large.
So pray we did.
And let me just say, I work as a physical therapist for children and adults of all ages (from birth to 90+)... and I have seen just about every diagnosis and disability that was listed on that page. It was extremely a struggle for me to pick and choose what I wanted, or more so what God wanted in our children. I had the opportunity to do what most parents only hope and pray for... choose the characteristics of a healthy child. Normal parents don't get a say if their child is missing a limb, is bling, deaf, or has developmental delays... but here on this paper we had a choice. I will say that God helped us fill out that page and we prayed over each item specifically. In the end the check marks were done and we moved to the rest of the application... (telling about our family which was easy to do so I won't go on about that).
After turning in our application, it seemed like everything went suddenly so fast. April is much of a blur to me as we began the next phase in our process... TRAINING.
Amidst acquiring all necessary documents and paperwork (yes there is a lot more than just an application), we began training to become adoptive parents. Robert and I with Holly Ann and another couple spent over 30 hours together reviewing the bad, the worst, and the even worse situations that our potential kids could have, most likely did, and definitely experienced from birth to whatever age they come to us. There were a few tears, several awkward moments, and lots of highs in our emotions. This training helped us to see past just a child who may throw a fit or steal or hide or run away... it helped us see the hurt they had gone through and the mindset behind the behavior. I wish every parent could go through this bc if I was having a baby I would feel more ready to understand my child and a little more in the know.
This training covered various levels of abuse, feelings and emotions regarding the abuser and the abused, typical behavior patterns, what not to do and what you need to do, and opening up a world of resources for us to pursue. I feel that this training helped me understand my patients at work better and I now have a different mindset when they get upset or throw a fit depending on their lifestyle circumstances.
30 hours of training... we squeezed it into every spare few hours we had...after work, on the weekends between events, you name it we were training fools. And I appreciate Holly Ann for being so willing to accommodate our schedules but to also not drag out the training over months and months bc after the training we had a lot more things waiting for us and we needed to have our time invested in those things while our hearts were so invested in the adoption.
The technicalities were pretty much over with after the training. We had to have a home study as required by all adopting and foster parents but with Holly Ann it was quite fun having her ask use questions about our marriage, family, our relationship with each other, with other kids, our church, and so on. So we were ready to start looking for our kids... to start seeing faces and reading stories and preparing our home for their arrival... but God had a few more lessons for us to learn first. A lesson in Waiting.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.
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