Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Past is not Our Future

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Let's all give our glory and thanks to the One and only who has given us more than we could ever deserve or ask for. Even in the pit of brokenness and emptiness The Lord continues to provide, it's just us who have to reach out to Him. He is all we need and will never leave us!

Continuing our story...
Once we committed to Waylon and Elva, I just love getting to say their names, we were anxious to get to meet them. However, as most of this adoption process had gone there was still a lot of waiting to be done. Again we called on our Heavenly Father to be near to us as we began a new kind of battle of emotions. Joy is the closest thing I can describe to what we were exploding with for the prospect of our family coming together. And then of course the enemy liked to throw in a little but of terror, fear, insecurity, and doubt. I have been told by many of my mothering friends that even when you become pregnant with your biological children that these are common emotions. So we fought through them and kept our eyes on the Joy, His Joy. Again, there is no way we would be in this amazing position without the touch and powerful move of God. I humbly admit my failures and lesser than holy moments of struggle with the whole pregnancy issue but God wanted to take us to this new place and open up our hearts to such a love we had never considered.  No I don't think adoption is for everyone and that's hard to say just knowing how many kids there are in the foster care system (and there is always more than enough waiting parents for newborns) but the kids that get pushed to the side and remain in foster care need a home.  A real home. But not everyone is called or cut out to be that family which is where the American church needs to step in and those families help support the foster system and connecting families that are called to adopt to those orphans. All that to say, this is no light matter. Adoption is hard. Adoption will test you physically emotionally and even mentally (are we sane to do what we are doing?), but it will also test your marriage and the strength of your closest relationships. It will test your faith and I honestly don't see how anyone without a strong faith (be that one that is growing in Christ, not my strength but His) can pursue this life.

These are the sacrifices and tests we are willing to endure... Bc Christ has given us the ability.

So in order to see the kids and begin the process of having them come into our lives forever we had to get the file. Every child in foster care will have a file. It's got their entire life history in there and it's a requirement for this type of program for you to see before you are given the next green light. What was frustrating for us after seeing their picture and laying down our lives to The Lord in commitment to them, was we had to wait several weeks to get the file. Talk about driving me crazy up the wall! Again I think I bugged HollyAnn relentlessly if she knew when they were sending us the file. After most of October, we finally got the news that the file was in route to our house. Woohoo!

The funny thing is that none of our family knew at this time that we had selected our kids so when the file came to our house and our little bro was playing with Sadie I kind of laughed bc we had to wait till he left to open it up. October 17th was the date, the cd was final in our grasp, the file that would tell us everything about their history, everything about why they had been taken from their family, and everything since then. I popped the CD in my computer... The whizzing started. 5 minutes later the file popped up. 980 pages of a PDF file.

980 pages.

It was 8 o'clock when I started reading and reading and reading, started crying, read some more, would stop to catch up Robert (I read faster), blow my nose here, read some more, went through emotions from anger to sadness to relief to despair and back again, kept reading, 10 pm, 11 pm, 12 am, kept reading, I felt like I was covering the most important textbook ever given to me in one night, nothing would have kept me from finishing every single page. I didn't want to miss one thing, I was essentially reading my kids life story instead of getting to see it firsthand. I even get emotional writing this bc I know that there is 6 and 8 years of their life that I will never get back. Every medical record, CPS file, police report, doctors visit, everything was in that file. I finally finished it at 1 am. All I could do was sigh and pray. God, this is their past. This is what they have lived through. All these years we can't get back, but how I thank you for taking them from this and allowing them to be redeemed. Their past is not our future, God.  We have new life in you as Born again Christians, how much more will these children have a new life by coming into our home. God we are scared but so are they. Give us all the direction and the peace in your name, Amen. 

The details that were in the file will remain there, for they are not important anymore. Yes there will come a day that we may have to show it to them, but I pray God will wipe all the memories away. I praise The Lord for keeping them safe. They are healthy, smart (maybe too smart), creative, and playful children, but they are also broken, damaged, and hurt. The emotions and blueprints from their past don't disappear in a day so we know that there will be tough days and good days and necessary help from outside sources but it's all worth it. I will say that our children, praise The Lord, were never exposed to physical abuse as far as we can tell, but other abuses have tainted their little souls until God can provide them full healing which I know will come one day.
It all will be ok, one day.
They will be part of our family, one day.
And one day, they will trust The Lord with their lives. That will be the best day.

Thank you for everyone's support. We are truly blown away and overwhelmed as things are now moving faster than ever. Through His graces we will bring these kids home soon.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
This by the way is mine and Roberts favorite verse :)

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