Following our adoptive training in April/May, we were pleased to finally be able announce to our family and friends about the adoption. After we surprised our family, we knew we had to tell our "other" children asap... the youth group. They mean so much to us that it was important for us to include them in being some of the first to know. We wanted them to know that we weren't going to abandon them for our new children, but that we wanted their help and their support as they will be like big brothers and sisters to our kiddos. They were excited to say the least... and they requested we get Mexican kids... will keep that in mind :)
So the word was now out and I felt like I was stripping away my soul for the world to stare at nakedly. Of course I was expecting the obvious questions to come creeping back in... can you not get pregnant? Have ya'll been tested? What if you do get pregnant? I bet you will get pregnant after you adopt... bla bla all that. And you already know my stance on those questions and comments... I dislike them heavily. Adoption is a calling, not a form of fertility treatment. and Adoption does not mean that someone failed at pregnancy. But I gritted my teeth and answered them with as much grace as I could bc I knew that somehow through this process God was going to get the glory and I certainly didn't want the focus to be on myself. And I will state it again as it is the most important thing to remember through this journey... My life is nothing without Christ and the path He has chosen to lead us down is the path we never want to stray from, no matter the good, the bad, the hard, the joys, the tears, the pain, God has made a way and it is through HIS strength that we follow His lead in our lives.
Ok now thats cleared up... to continue:
It was a very joyous and nervous time for us to share our news with the world. As we answered questions and told the same story over and over again I just prayed that people would see that God was working in our lives. We were told that we were now just waiting for paperwork to finalize (our Home Study which turned out to be a 15 page report on our lives and family) and then to find the right profile. When I say profile I mean the small blurb of detail about a child or group of children that you have to decide if you want to pursue them or not. In May to June we received only 2 profiles, one of a sibling group of three kids and one of a sibling group of two. Each profile carried something that just didn't seem right for us. I never thought saying no to a picture and some names would be so hard, like I was throwing these kids in the garbage. Knowing that each little smile was looking for a family, but also knowing that I wasn't right for them. It was a tough emotion to swallow.
It was then, after spending much time in prayer and saying no to those two profiles that I decided that this was going to be the hardest thing we have ever faced in our young lives. I prayed a very specific prayer to God, and one that I know He will honor. I asked Him to spare us from having to reject and turn down any amount of children (bc lets face it, they aren't profiles but actual children's lives) and that when we opened the right profile that we would know without a shadow of a doubt that we were to pursue these kids. Essentially I was asking him to not give us any profiles except The ONE that He knew was waiting for us. Oh how sometimes God gives us our prayers directly as a blessing, but also as a curse.
I can't say that I'm much of a good wait-er but I was about to find out just how much of a wait-er I was going to have to be. Just as I had the previous year anxiously watched for signs that I was pregnant, I began to watch for the number on my email to change in hopes that one of those emails was a profile. And each time it wasn't, I was so disappointed and sad. I knew God had the perfect timing in His mind, but I also knew that all we needed was that profile and things would change. Poor HollyAnn... she was patient with us... ok with me, as I often texted her "anything new? any word?" countless times, to which she would reply "not yet, this is just how adoption goes sometimes". Grrr. Waiting is not fun. Like a kid waiting for their birthday party to start or for Christmas or candy or something, I have found that I am not good at being still and just waiting.
So many questions, God. How long will we have to wait? How long till we know what their faces look like, what their names are, what they like, dislike, what makes them unique, what does their laugh sound like, what makes them smile, what are the color of their eyes, how tall are they, what do they dream about, what are their favorite things, what foods do they eat, where have they been, when can we bring them home?
Wait. God calls us sometimes to Wait. Good thing is, He is walking through the wait with us.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven...a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4