Saturday, December 14, 2013

A Greater Purpose

Again I would like to start out by giving my gratitude to the wonderful blessings God has given me that are called my friends and family. For your support and prayers we could never fully say thank you as much as it is deserved, but please know how much you each mean to us and how we know with time that you will come to mean to our kiddos.

My heart is so swollen with joy and anticipation for next Friday. Just 6 days until we become parents permanently. 6 days till we jump into a whole different world. 6 days left with just the two of us and then we become 4. I feel this Great Wall of tears welling up inside me after seeing so much generosity poured out over us for the kids and just for the great realization that what we have prayed for is finally upon us. I really can't believe we are in this exact spot that we are. I don't really know how to react at this point. My emotions are everywhere- joy, love, anticipation, expectation, fear, tense, planning, nervousness, but mostly just love. I am finally at the point where I just miss them and ache for them to be here. Pictures only make that harder as I can't wait to see their smiles and faces in person again. I prayed for those faces, every feature, and I prayed for their smiles and laughs, so I'm ready to be around them. No more driving them back to their foster homes, they need to be with me permanently, my heart needs it. I find myself so tearful at times and ten again so happy and then so sad for some reason and back then to tearfully excited. It's just not real yet to me, but the two Waylon and Elva size holes in my heart are aching more and more. 6 days left and maybe I can take a breath and wake up from this dream.... But then again, we will have a new dream to begin.

I struggled with sharing the words in my journal with others. As soon as we began the adoption process back in March, HollyAnn suggested a journal, write down what I was feeling. Keep track of memories. Use it as an outlet, a way back to sanity in this emotional journey. And I've never been a writing in a journal kind of person, but just like writing this blog has helped to heal the scrambled pieces of my heart together, my journal has helped to do all the things HollyAnn said it would and more. It has helped me keep my eyes on my Father and to remember what is most important, following His footsteps. So I was trying to decide if I really wanted to share things I had wrote, but I just recently pulled it out and started from the beginning. What I read just took me back to the whole purpose and true meaning for why we have surrendered ourselves to this life. Let me share with you the first page in my journal, dated 4-24-13:

God has revealed himself in such a miraculous way in my life. How He has protected me, supplied for our financial needs, led me to my wonderfulf husband and friend, and been the source of comfort through all sorts of trials and tribulations, joys and smiles. As I think about where my life has come and how my dreams have become reality - maybe have changed a little from my original plans - but that have turned into something more joyous... I'm overwhelmed. God has changed my heart from its empty hole of jealousy, anger, rage, and longing... To one of hope, love, pure joy, obedience, and light. When He told me that I might never bear my own children, I thought He was taking away my future and all the happiness I had longed for, hoped for, prayed for, prepared for. 
BUT I was wrong. 
He was giving me the freedom to choose His plan for myself and Robert, the one full of all my dreams and desires, but also one that served a greater purpose than I could ever have imagined. One called to Adopt. 
This is our adoption story. 

I still remember exactly where I was when I wrote that (on a plane to Houston with our church staff). I still remember the emotion of that moment and it's all so real again to me. How many times as Christians do we pray for God to use us, but yet we aren't ready to surrender and let Him actually show us what it will take for our lives to be of greater purpose. I am not a saint or someone to be praised. It's hard for me to acknowledge people being so gracious with their words regarding us taking on this adoption and loving two children bc I know it's not me. Elva and Waylon were created to be my children and to live with us, teach us, and learn with us about how far and deep is Gods love. They had to start in a simple home with a neglectful mother first for some reason that we will only see why someday, or maybe never, but they have so much to teach the world and I hope they can find the ability to let God use them.

Of course the enemy has tried very hard to discourage and distract us during this whole time. I read through several of my journal entries about our struggles with the kids behavior and getting through the rough times into the joyous times. 11-24-13: No matter how far our son and daughter may run, we will chase them in Your relentless love. Though our tears may fall, our anxieties rise, we know this is Your will.
I remember before I wrote this I took refuge in the hotel bathroom. We were with the kids in a hotel room for thanksgiving weekend with our families in Dallas. We had just had a very tough night with Waylon. These kids have triggers, they have sensory issues to different situations, and we have a lot to learn about what makes them tick and then tock in harmony with life. That thanksgiving night was not an easy one. We had a small hiccup in our evening that lasted about an hour. If it weren't for Robert and his patience we would probably still be stuck trying to get our son out from hiding under the bed. We finished off the night and as always things end fine and we typically get to enjoy bed time with the kids, but my heart was so troubled that I had to find solitude in the bathroom - the only hideout in a hotel room. I haven't cried and fallen on my knees like that in a long time. My face hurt from the pressure of trying not to let me tears be loud but to let them come. I knew that the enemy of the world was trying to make me doubt everything and to forget every promise God had fulfilled and every truth about our little developing family. My insecurities and ignorance of motherhood was being driven at the front of my mind. My only escape was to fight it head on with my face to the ground and a pool of tears that I was willing to shed for those two kids in the other room. I cried out to God for them, their future, their hearts, their souls, their bonding for Robert and I... I asked for patience, for understanding, and plainly for God to hold me together bc I in that moment had lost all strength. Robert came in and was my stronghold. I have had many people say how we need to be careful to not lose our connection together and to make our marriage stronger... In that moment I knew we were going to be nothing but in this together. I need him and God has used him all the time we have been together to be the spiritual lead and I know he has needed me at times too, we can't work without Christ. And now as upcoming parents we have cried out to God more fervently than ever before for our kids.

That night God once again showed himself to me and although I had to keep my eyes focused on him with multiple prayers being whispered under my breath, I knew that no matter what distractions or struggles came that my God would be there to hold me as I fell on my knees again and again. I have a problem with expecting perfection although nothing has been perfect in my life except finding my true love, so God has had to break apart my fear of having a less than perfect child and having a lesser than perfect parenting moment. Aren't we all just figuring it out and going with the flow of whatever works the best? Not being an expert or even a few days as a parent yet I have figured out right now the best tool I have is prayer. Unbiased and shameless prayer. I have heard of many stories where mothers have prayed so hard for their children to turn from addictions and lives full of sin for years upon years. Those mothers had their prayers answered. How much so that I should commit to pray for my kids, for Waylon and Elva, and every kind of uncertain decision and future that awaits us. I believe in the power of prayer. And if you don't, I invite you to try it out. Not just praying but believing. God can do so much through a humble heart that prays. And I know that all of you who have committed to praying for my kids have just added to the power of mine and Roberts own prayers. Try prayer. I find it's best done just surrendered on your knees. Someone once told me if you want your life to change or something to get better- suck some carpet.

Oh, yes God we owe you our highest thanks. Oh the roads you lead us on aren't smooth or luxurious, but how beautiful is the scenery and the destination when we place our hope and trust in you. Lord continue to be my guide. I surrender it all and everyday I will give you my life, my loves, my all to you. 
Amidst the hard times, the greatest memories are the happy ones. We have been able to talk with both kids very openly now about coming to be with us forever to be adopted. While it's a lot to chew for these kids, they are very excited to become apart of our family. Yes I think it will still be a while before either of them calls me "mom" I know that when that day comes that it will be one of the best.

As of now the kids will be brought to us Friday. Then forever we begin the process of fulfilling our commitment to them and to The Lord and making ourselves a family. I can't wait!

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. (Ephesians 3:19 NLT)

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