Remember to Breathe

And then it was September...
I honestly don't know how we got to this month already. I feel time is flying by... and yet at times that it won't move fast enough haha. I don't want time to go fast by any means, just not to drag on!

So, the Fowlers are settling into our routines: school, church, work, football, piano, church (yes I said it twice bc its important), gymnastics (finally found a place yay!), sleeping, eating, playing, chores, exercise (lets be realistic here), special trips, youth group, etc...
oh, and breathing.
yeah, thats important right?

I'm not complaining... I'm grateful! All the time people tell me they don't want to bother me bc I'm so busy, or that I should relax and not be so busy... why? I am a busy driven person really. I love the times to relax and just do nothing, but honestly whenever those do happen I often find something to fill up the time with bc I just like to be busy. So having two kiddos who are interested in getting involved and being active is right up my alley. I remember praying for our crazy unknown schedules before we got the kids and thinking how exciting it will be to load up the car and go to this thing or that and so on. Call me crazy, but I wouldn't want it any other way... well maybe not so busy, but I have a good time knowing that I can provide my kids the opportunity to do the things they want as my parents did for me when I was younger (gymnastics, piano, church youth group, trips, friends, etc).
 So please don't think you are bothering me... I welcome the fun adventures... although I may complain about it... just ignore me... I don't mean it :)

Kid Update:
Elva- our sweetheart who needs to get enough sleep or she becomes Elvamonster, she is doing quite well in school although the jump in difficulty was hard for her to understand at first but she is adjusting. At home she is of course quite sweet to mom and dad and is always laughing or making us laugh. She did get her first spanking a few weeks ago for waking up with an attitude and slamming her electronic down on our dresser... I won't lie, we laughed privately afterwards bc even in the midst of crying and getting a spanking (it was more of a quick tap, but it hurt her feelings enough that she hasn't forgotten)... she was still quite cute when she came back into join the family and was sniffing. Poor thing, she is just wild sometimes, but the things she says can be so off guard funny! Her tiny voice is just precious for one thing and then her imagination and desire for knowledge just blows my mind. She will ask about anything and everything and you can always see the wheels turning in her head. She does ask too many questions though... I don't know how to stop that, but Waylon is trying to figure out how :) She loves her gymnastics place and is working to perfect her cartwheel (which I can still do pretty darn well) and we are going to be stretching so she can do her splits (ouch!).

Waylon- this little firecracker is my fuzzy headed man. His hair is very black and fuzzy on top right now and I just love to run my hands through it and tickle him like crazy. We have had us some rough days lately, specifically with school. I sigh and put up my hands bc I just don't know what else to do sometimes, but I know God has a plan and I have to surrender this sweet love to my God bc I am not strong enough or big enough to help him. Waylon has been off task, disruptive, and even a little argumentative at school. He landed in the principal's office for a few days and lied to us about it. My heart breaks for these moments bc we have worked so hard to get to where we are in our relationship. Not that I'm saying I don't expect him to ever lie to us, but it seemed that one thing after another brought on more lies and more disappointment. Last week was super rough and I don't care to go back there to that point, but I also want him to learn from it so we can move on and grow. We are implementing punishment in as much a teaching method as we can... pray for guidance and that I don't lose my mind like I almost did on Friday after his parent/teacher conference. We have a long way to go, but I know we can get there. We have already overcome so many mountains!
 I forgot to mention that Waylon also turned the big 9 in August. We had a great birthday party full of boys swimming away! I'm hoping for a more mellow birthday next year, but I'm glad he was happy... thats all I cared about!

Well since this post is long as all mine have been lately (sorry my new blogger friend), I will leave you with these kid updates.
Ok, one more thing. Tonight was my restore my faith in humanity and my kids night... we actually had time after Waylon got home from football, took a shower, elva was showered, there homework was done, reading done, and laundry was already started... to just sit and play. The kids were mad scientists cutting and creating with play-do at the table while Robert worked on some studying and I just walked into the kitchen and stopped. I just took a moment to breathe and take it all in. My family. No matter how busy we get, God has created us into a family. A unit. One, together. Its still only been less than 9 months, but how God truly works is just majestic. This time last year we had just gotten the profile for the kids and were waiting to get to know more about them. And now, we are a family.

Have you stopped to take a breath today and just look around?I recommend it :)

Psalm 150:6
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.

Let The Parenting Commence

Could someone please tell me where the book is on parenting again? I think we have found ourselves asking that question as of late... I mean really for jumping into the parent roll we feel like we have been thrown into the ocean and are given bits of survival artifacts one at a time... and a tidal wave is a coming! Haha, really we are doing fine, but we are looking to the school year starting in a week and we are already consumed by schedules and the overwhelming sensation that we have absolutely no idea what we are doing. They are registered for school...we have school supplies...they will see the dentist again in October...we have new shoes and outfits galore...Waylon has already gone to football practice and is fully loaded with helmets and pads and bla bla all those things...Elva is still doing piano... haven't found her a gymnastics place yet which gives me a bit of anxiety...and well we know what day is the first day and where to go drop them off! Other than that we are clueless. Found out tonight, for example, that there is meet the teacher next Monday... umm ok how was I supposed to know that! Aaand Waylon needs a physical for football... geeze. When I say we are busy, I honestly mean we are busy... its not like I've neglected to check the school and MISD website or even the football website, I have, I did, but where was the listing for all these other things? What else are we missing I wonder haha!
[And I would like to add that the "busy" part is spent mostly making sure we just spend time with them... again memories, its all about making memories, and I try to make a point to have a special moment with each child everyday... can't get too "busy" with stuff that I forget to give them the love they need and missed out on for so many years!]

Moving On...

The last month has been a crazy, testy blast. Crazy in that we have tried to jam pack as much stuff in their summer as we can without getting too carried away, and testy because... well you can just guess... its been "lets throw a fit" season. I wouldn't say they have been bad. I don't want to call my kids bad. I will say that there has been a bit of the test of authority and respect that has happened, only these kids don't know who they are messing with. I may not know how to juggle school and being a football mom, but I know that standing strong and teaching my kids good morals is vital to their future successes and longevity in life. So we have had a few changes in how we handle things, but for the most part I've been in awe of how God has pulled us together. Its so weird to think back a year... 6 months... even just 3 months ago, how much they have changed. I give the glory for all that to God alone. There is no room for pride in this family bc without God forming us as a unit and allowing us to go through these tough times, we wouldnt be standing here as a family of four.

I do have to share the bittersweetness of today. [Yes that is a run on word but I don't care]. The kids social worker has been cleaning out their file and came across some pictures and letters from their "other" family. I was excited to see the pictures bc I thought this was my chance to get a baby picture of my kids! Well... when I got the package, it just reminded me of the heart break these kids have gone through. How they were so innocent and thought their lives were full and then it was ripped apart from poor decisions and neglect. Yes there is a baby picture or two of them in there... but they all have various faces in the pictures with them. Faces that would only bring up the past and may or may not spark a relapse to the uncertain times in their lives. I don't want to have to fight for my kids to remember who their family is now or to watch them go through those emotions. There will be a day for them to see the pictures... and if God wills it, there will be a day for them to read the letters from their mom. I read them. Why wouldn't I? And it was the hardest thing for me to do not to become so angry at her and think such negative thoughts. I had to remember that this woman needs redemption, and even if every part of my mind screams that she doesn't deserve it, I know what she needs is a relationship with Jesus. I may not ever be ok with her as my kids first mom, but that doesn't mean I should hate her or wish negative things on her. I just simply pray for her and have to leave it at that. There will be a day for us to relive the past, but I know God will prepare us for that day together... as one united family.

So the sweet part of the above paragraph is that we also got in the mail a smaller letter that contained two of the most important pieces of paper I have ever held in my hands. The kids' birth certificates. And under mother, its lists my name. Under father, Robert's name. How sweet it is to see that just as when we become Christian's and accept Jesus Christ into our hearts, that He writes His name over our past... over our sin... ushering in eternal life forever... and in our kids' case, our names have been written over their past, and into their forever. I regard those pieces of paper as very important and highly valuable. Jesus does the same with our lives. Just a thought :)

And now we will commence with the coming of the tidal wave... any other schooling parenting advice about juggling ridiculous sports schedules and all that jazz, we would like to hear it! [and to know we are not the only crazy ones :) ]

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

Silly Giggles and all Things Loud

I'm beyond speechless at how great our God is and how much He loves us enough to care so much for our everything. Life as a forever family of 4 has been wonderful. Thank you all for your prayers and support again, the conglomerate of love and positive vibes coming at us and the kids has truly helped us to strengthen our bond. Peace has etched itself into the hearts of both kids and we are finally able to breath and relax. July has proved to be super busy, but our main objective was to help the kids feel like they are special and to make sure they know how much we love spending time with them.

Waylon is doing wonderful. He is a punk sometimes. But he is also 8, sneaking up on 9, so I know that is to be expected. Nonetheless he has turned a new leaf. Family and friends have noted how he
appears to have a new kind of light in his eyes and I agree. He is more compassionate and more loving and extra silly. He is unfortunatly the same kind of loud he was before, but with more joy behind the noise. He comes to me often and just hugs me. He says in such a quiet voice "I love you mom," and my heart just bursts. It's hard for me not to wonder how things were with his other mom... Did she get these sweet smile hugs? Did she take the time to stop and chase him through the house to hold him down and tickle him? How blessed we are to have this chance. Even when my nerves are frayed from stress and their constant sibling rivalry, I'm still grateful for two kids to get to love.
I believe Waylon still has a hard time wanting to find the best of some situations. For example, church. Working with kids is hard, but working with Waylon in a church setting where the remnants of evil are still trying to fight for his soul is like pulling out your teeth. He is a good kid and has made tremendous progress, but the one thing I want him to know is how to fall in love with the joy of Christ. He already knows life isn't easy, but to teach him how much God wants our everything and gives us satisfaction as a result is somethjng we have to keep working towards.

This sweet boy just wants to be loved and played with. Robert is so great with him. I know when Robert was younger and he saved all his hot wheels (I mean Robert had a bunch and a bunch and a bunch of hot wheels) that he was imagining one day getting to play cars with his little boy. And now he gets to do just that. Waylon always comes up to me and asks me if I can do him a "favor"... This means "mom can you stop what you are doing for a moment and, let me get a 3 second head start, and then come tickle me?" Why yes it would be my joy to spend that time with you :) I think tickling fights are my favorite, especially bc his laugh has changed since day 1 and is now one of the most precious sounds I could ever hear. It's a goofy laugh I'll give him that!

Then there is miss Elva. What can I say except she is a little hyper princess who loves to create and ask a thousand questions. She literally bounces all of the house wanting to know everything about everything and play at the same time. She puts a whole new meaning to loud though. She is also quite the bossy thing but she just so easily gets her feelings hurt and then here comes the tattling. Learning to work through a crisis is something she can't quite comprehend independently yet, but we are getting there. She is very quick to pick up on the mood of someone around her. I was pretty stressed a few days ago with a lot of things going on. As I sat next to her for family time, she just patted my leg and leaned on to give me a soft hug and say "it's alright momma". Yes baby, it is alright. No matter what I have going on, I have her and her sweet hugs and loud, I mean cute, giggles.
I believe Elva hasn't changed as much as Waylon for the reason that she hasn't completely woken up from this dream she is in. Elva had a completely different than reality view of wha happene when they got taken from their mom. She knows she won't see her other family again, but there is still a bit of unsettled business in her heart. She is happy to be with us, loves us, and is trying to follow the house rules and show me she can do her best... But there are a few lights that haven't come on in her mind regarding her past, present, and future. I know she can get there but it may take a few years before she is ready to hear the official truth of why she is here with us.

This silly little girl is very fun and opinionated. She gets away with her cuteness, but can be quite deceiving haha. We are trying to help Elva also know how fun and awesome it is to love God and trust Him. As a typical 7 year old, she thinks prayer is funny, and we are trying to help her understand it's importance. No we are not forcing our religion on these kids, but we know that kids who are exposed to Gods teachings at an earlier age and throughout their childhood have the potential to make better choices later. Their futures are up to God, I'm just doing what I feel He tells me is necessary for their souls.

Overall we are having a good time! Waylon has already planned the theme for his birthday in August and Elva has watched Frozen about 1000 times literally! Since we took the kids to six flags for forever week and we bought season passes, they have been dying to go back! We will go again soon don't worry. I look forward to all the plans we can do for family vacations and fun. Having kids is such a change, but it's a beautiful change!

I'll post more pictures soon, but it's hard to from my phone!

Let all that I am praise the lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. (Psalms 103:1, 2 NLT)

Forever Day!

I can only imagine the stupendous joy a parent experiences when they are first handed their child from the nurse or doctor in the delivery room... The preparation for bringing that child home and the excitement of getting to hold their birth certificate with their precious name on it... And their life with you begins, the crazy late nights and blessed struggle figuring out what cries mean and what schedule works best all leading to the nurturing and development of this child that walks and talks and acts mostly like you.
Yes I can only imagine, but somehow our experience is the same yet of course different.

No words can describe June 25, 2014. Forever Day.
Even as I start to type this all the emotions from that day and the days since come to the surface and just blow me away. Our God is amazing people. Not for a minute would I pat myself on the back for this miracle around us but I give 100% credit to my God. He is the author of this story and will always hold the pen... Permanent ink bc He doesn't make mistakes.

I remember us eating at chick fil A on Abilene for lunch that day. We had stayed overnight in Abilene bc the kids had to see their psychiatrist (they still take meds for ADHD that have to be managed) so some very dear and generous friends allowed is to stay with them for the night before we set off for Wichita Falls the next morning. At chick fil a the kids began asking a lot of questions (this they could win an award for... Asking the most questions in one sitting... Constant chatter boxes) about the adoption and the court and so forth. So we set off, I knew they were excited and nervous, we were dressed in our Sunday best and we knew the address for the courthouse and the time... 230 pm... All we could do was countdown the time as we drove every mile closer.

It's so crazy to remember back on November 8 when we first drove from midland to Wichita Falls to meet the kids for the first time. Oh how nervous we were and how much we had prayed that somehow they could see us as potential parents. I was so nervous worked up that I could hardly eat or sleep, I wanted to be a mom so bad and I know that although this was going against all laws of nature, that God had placed these kids in my path for a reason. My heart hurt and still does for all the ways my kids have had to suffer heartache and disappointment and neglect from not getting to just be kids who are loved. I didn't know at the time what they were feeling or how long it would take for them to warm up to the idea of Robert and I, but God had everything planned out to His perfection.

The days and weeks went by and we visited them as much as we could, took them to Dallas for Thanksgiving to meet our families, and then made plans to welcome them into our home forever. So on December 20th, they arrived with many bags packed of stuff (lots of junk) and we started day one of 6 months of trials and tests and tears and giggles and memories and laughs. I will never say that this was easy, God does not call us to the comfortable and easy road in life, but He does carry us through the fire to get to the beautiful new life on the other side. What I can say is that every tear, every minute and hour of prayer, every second we had to fight for their souls and for their love, it is all worth it. No we are not saints and we don't deserve praise, we simply have chosen to love when no one else was willing to love. We followed Gods call (and His  gentle but firm push) to walk this path to parenthood.

I couldn't have imagined it any other way.

As we approached Wichita Falls we allowed Waylon to call his foster family. They were unable to come to the adoption bc of other arrangements but we wanted him to be able to connect with them before the special hour. We plan to keep the lines of communication open with their foster families, they were, after all, the ones who helped them in the first 18 months of being taken from their mom. They deserve a lot of recognition bc those were hard and tough months.

So we finally arrived to the courthouse. I'll never forget  when we stepped out of the car, their faces could not have been fuller of smiles. Waylon and Elva gathered at the back of the car and wrapped their arms around each other and got nose to nose... Waylon - ok, we are gonna say yes, right? I'm gonna say yes are you?
Elva - right, yes!
It was probably the cutest moment of the day. Their little "yes" huddle :)

After the huddle was over, we walked hand in hand to the front of the courthouse and through the security doors. It took us awhile to maneuver the maze of rooms and hallways and levels and floors before rendezvousing with HollyAnn, and the kids' caseworker. We also had the kids CPS social  worker, Elvas foster dad, and our attorney join us. After we were all gathered and had exchanged
hugs, our attorney pulled us into a private room to run through the court proceedings and to sign our
name on the official adoption decrees.

Then it came time for us to enter the courtroom. Judge Fudge. We couldn't make it up if we wanted to, Judge Fudge, hehe. We filed in the room, all 9 of us, I sat next to Elva and held her little hand, Waylon, Robert and the attorney took the front row of chairs. The judge opened the court, and then the attorney called Robert to the stand. I mean no one said I would have to go to the stand but whatever it took!! Robert raised his right hand and did the swearing to the truth business before sitting down and answering some basic questions about our marriage, our promise to love these kids and care for them, and to state the kids' full names. Then, it was my turn on the stand. I raised my right hand and then kinda had a weird moment where I started overthinking what it was I was supposed to answer the judge with,... Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth... Umm yes , yes sir, yes honorable judge sir... Haha, I minorly panicked but in the end I just said "yes". I only had to answer three questions and then got to take my seat. The funny thing was when the judge went to make his closing remarks and said "I declare this divorce... Wait no haha adoption! Haha" we all took a breath and laughed for a moment. I kept waiting for the moment for the judge to ask to talk to the kids but he never called them up, instead he have his final remark and then the sweetest words ever:

I now declare these children's names be changed to Waylon Gilbert Fowler and Elva Marie Fowler.

Yes, our kids. The past gone, the future ready to begin. I began to let the tears forming in my eyes to fall... Until, Judge Fudge said that he heard the mom (that would be me) was a graduate of Texas A&M... And so he had something for the kids. I walked up to the bench and he handed me two maroon hats with Ole Sarge written on them (it's an Aggie term for the corps of cadets). My tears were gone at this point but instead I was just so excited and overcome with the emotion of everything! No other word to describe it but Joy.

We took many pictures of which the judge requested to have a copy... He was a Texas A&M class of '67 and very happy to be doing an adoption. Yes sir you will get your picture!!

The only thing I noticed after everything was over and we were then to change and head to ft worth for our forever week of fun celebrating as a new family, Waylon was very quiet and reserved. If you know him that is not at all who he is!! Unless he is upset... Uh oh. I pulled him aside and asked what was wrong, he just replied that he didn't like that it was so fast. (I'm thinking that's the best part, but something else had to be wrong). I gathered that he was overwhelmed. I also gathered that maybe,
just maybe, he was upset that he didn't get to say Yes like he and Elva had pep talked about beforehand. This was a big day for him and I could only imagine the emotions he was feeling.

Taken from his mom, put in a home he didn't want to be in, finding out his mom wasn't going to be seeing him again, knowing she signed away her rights to him, knowing she was put in jail, then being put into another home of people who had promised to love and take care of him, being put back in foster care after a simple accident disrupted their potential adoption, fighting the change and resisting authority bc he was so confused and scared, being put in another home away from his sister, then being introduced to these crazy very white people who talked about love and trust, how was he to trust them with all he had been through, he didn't want adoption, he didn't want to be loved, he just wanted to be happy by himself, but they kept calling and kept coming to see him, they spent time with him, he resisted them, he kicked and screamed and shut down, that'll keep them away surely, but there they were, at the end of the phone, in the hotel, at thanksgiving, making promises, would they could they keep them, and no matter how hard he pushed or tried to run they were there, so he moved into their home, he entered their lives, every minute and hour was a test, a trial, a battle, but they always said the same thing, they loved him and they prayed for him, that's when he would resist harder, but they always prayed harder, he didn't know if it was really too good to be true or just a nightmare, so he decided maybe just maybe he could learn to like these people, maybe even let himself learn to love again, but he can't let himself get too open, no he can't give in, he must fight, he must stick up for himself, they set rules and didn't give in, he yelled hate and turned off his emotions, they never went away, they never have him back, they never gave him back, and here it was the chance to make that final decision if he could love these people as a son would love a real mom and dad, the decision to say yes to them, and he wasn't given the opportunity.

No I don't know if that's all he was feeling, probably not till he's older and I can let him read this will I know, but I have a hunch.

Still, we got some ice cream, changed, said our goodbyes to those that came to support us, and began the drive to fun. He snapped out of his gloomy state pretty fast and then it was all hugs and smiles from then.

No we don't expect perfection, we don't expect every moment to be good and great and happy, we expect to be parents and to go through the toughest times to reach the best times. As always is true for these two beautiful creations of Christ, God had them planned for us, we just needed another mom to bring them into the world for us. No matter the route, we have the future and the ending and I can see it now.... It's just breath taking.

Thank you beyond words to our core prayer group, to Addys Hope and HollyAnn, to our family, friends, our church, our teens (you guys seriously rock), and to all of you who helped pray for us in this wonderfully twisted path to parenthood. We pray Gods many blessings and sweet words to fall upon each of you!

This is our Forever Day! We will celebrate for the rest of our lives!

I know some people will ask what now? But I'll have to answer those and some answers to some frequently asked questions in my next blog.
But for now I can post all the fun things we do from our forever point and beyond :) stay tuned!

Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

The CountDown is ON!!

I have two sweet kids sleeping in the other room right now which is such a good feeling. My kids. My kids... Wow that still doesn't seem real yet to say. I know it has been awhile since I've written and yes lots has happened but I'll find some time to catch up... and if I don't, well then I don't!

The biggest piece of news is... 14 days until the ADOPTION!! I'm truly grateful we are finally here, so close! It seemed like this month would never get here and that we would always be counting down months and months, but now its just days away! Again we could not be more thankful for all of our family and friends who have helped support us with prayer through the last months and year of our journey.

Things are going very well. I would almost say great but I dont want to jinx anything ;) Yes, we still have our moments, but which family doesn't! And especially with an almost 9 year old and a 7 year old... who still miss their old family and foster families and are just days away from the biggest decision of their life... yeah who wouldn't have their off days! What we are loving and rejoicing over is how much our precious children have changed... how God has changed their hearts and helped them to become who they are today.

Some of the moments we have been having in our home just take my breath away... from the questions about how many more days and the look of joy on their faces as the countdown gets lower, to the funny questions, moments of just laughter for no reason, and the little hugs and kisses that greet me at the door... my heart is full and I want to capture every moment and put it in a safe place to keep forever!
Even in the hard moments, the ones that give me a bit of anxiety and stress, are starting to become easier and they always remind me of the progress that has been made. Just the other day I was getting the kids in bed and Waylon flat out did not do something I specifically told him to do 5 minutes earlier... no instead he was laying on his bed playing his harmonica (i hate that thing ps, haha, but he is kinda good with it...). I took one look at the scene and I LET HIM HAVE IT! I mean full out raising my voice and making my point known that he was in trouble for his laziness and he was NOT getting away with it! [Now I interrupt this story to interject that Robert and I have also made alot of progress with not losing our tempers... most of the time... and learning what their triggers are has helped us to avoid unnecessary fits. Thanks for those that prayed this over us!] So, I'm expecting him to just lose it and start crying, screaming I hate you, hiding his face in the pillows, even kicking or yelling no... but he did nothing... except got up from the bed and started doing the chore I had told him to do. Jaw to the floor moment! He gets done and sits on his bed with his mad face. I finished putting Elva to bed [who always prays for bubba to not get into any more trouble hehe] and when I go back to his room he is very quiet. I tell him he had better talk and answer me bc I had some questions for him. He answered every question. He may have been a little mad still, but he climbed under the covers and when I knelt down with Robert to pray with him, it was like nothing ever happened. God is so good.
A few months ago and his fit would have lasted over an hour and it would have been violent screaming with even kicking and biting his pillow. So I would say we have come a long way!

Speaking of progress, I wrote this several days, err uh weeks ago, and I think its appropriate to share now... so as we have gone through the many months of adjustment, Robert and I realized we had gone through several stages. The kids being thrown into a tornado of emotions settled on specific themes that lasted weeks and days at a time. So we came up with our own stages of adoption. I believe that Robert and I, or at least just me, went through a different set of emotions and stages at the same time, but I'll have to write about those another time.

The PHASES of Adoption
(Disclaimer: this can only be generalized to the adoption of older children as the stages may take various different forms for younger children and even so this may not be generalized to anyone else but my kids... Regardless it's just what we've experienced...)

Stage 1: Shock and Excitement
Everything was honky dory, the newness of being in a new home, new family, it was Christmas time, new rooms, new toys, new playmates, new everything!

Stage 2: Fight and Flight
And then came the rebellion. Anything negative that came up they were ready to get out of here. This was the strongest time that we heard that horrible "h" word (hate). While I'm thankful neither of them ever tried to run away or physically leave, we did have some testy moments of them walking off or trying to physically fight us through every decision. I'm so glad we are past this stage bc I think it lasted the longest.

Stage 3: Dealing and Denial
They came to a realization that although there were things we did or said that they didn't like, they still wanted things to work out. This was the time that they were more open about saying I love you and being appreciative of the things we had and were doing... but we did have some nasty fits at this time, some I can still remember only bc they were the days I spent the most in prayer and asking for prayers. They didn't like it, but for some reason they were starting to learn how to adjust.

Stage 4: Settling In
I should have called this the Peace in the storm stage. There was a weird moment in March where is seemed that everything just clicked and the kids were learning to get along with each other, they were arguing less, and the biggest change of all happened... we started to see them care about the choices they made and the consequences associated with those choices. They started trying to control their anger in a more civilized way and, even though it was frustrating and hard for them, we had much fewer fits and arguments. This was a glorious time... but with every moment of peace, the battle is sure to follow...

Stage 5: Battle Continues
And it did. It seemed that we were fighting the same situations day in and day out... We had learned what to say and what things to use as bait or reward for helping the fits not to escalate, but we also had to deal with the fact that we were the parents and we can't just let them get what they wanted... if we wanted them to learn and for this family to work in the long run, we had to go through the battles. I want to say we are definitely stronger bc of this time, but it was so hard coming off the peace stage!

Stage 6: Is This For Real
I believe we are now in this stage. Its almost euphoric at times for us and for them... being so close to forever and yet wanting to be a normal kid and wanting the kids to do their best in everything and trying to not have too high expectations... I can see how they have listened and learned. I can see how they are everyday trying harder to not lose their control and even when they do, handling their frustration in a healthier way. Its by no means perfect or where I want it to be, but for now we can all take a big sigh of relief. I don't know if in the next 14 days we will have another stage, but I'm getting pretty comfortable with the best of all last stage I hope is to come...
Stage 7 (and the last hopefully): FOREVER

Please keep us in your prayers as our plans for Forever Family Week come together! Oh how I will be posting thousands of pictures at that time... there will be 6 months+ to catch up on! Thank you my friends!

Psalm 105:1-5 
 Oh give thanks to the LORD; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples! Sing to him, sing praises to him; tell of all his wondrous works! Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice! Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually! Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he uttered.

Just for this moment

It was Monday night, a time where Robert goes to play disc golf and I get the kids to myself. Things were going so typical... They were bickering at each other as siblings do and I was getting on to them as parents do... Then time to wrestle them into the bath and get as many chores done as possible. Both kids were exceptionally tired that night and it was all I could do to keep Elva from falling asleep before she took a bath (lest she drown). Waylon was first and I remember hearing him pull the plug to let the water drain... And then silence... Which is never good. So I slowly open the bathroom door to a nice thud and realize he fell asleep on the bathroom mat. Goofball. Luckily he had draped the towel over himself before he did... So I gently woke him, somehow got him to brush his teeth and then helped guide him to bed. I wanted to lay down with him bc it's just something I try to do as often as I can and he was complaining of his head hurting so I figured he would be extra cuddly. I got Elva in the bath (her hyper kicked in so she was awake and ready to play) and then I went into Waylon's room. He snuggled into my arms and I started rubbing his head. I had some serious talk with him just about some upcoming things to which he acknowledged with a simple grunting but he was somewhat still with me consciously. I tried to pull away at one point to get a closer look at his face and he pulled me even closed to him. He muttered an I love you mom somehow in his garbled sleepiness and I just closed my eyes and got even more comfortable. I was stroking his hair (it's my favorite when it's a little fuzzy but still short) and I suddenly was overcome by a flood of tears.

Tears for the missed moments to hold him and for how I might never hold a baby (and that's ok if it's what God has planned). Tears for how I try so hard to focus on teaching them right and wrong instead of just remembering that they are kids and I need to simply love on them. Tears bc of all the moments with the kids, I didn't want this one to end. Tears bc God is so good and has shown us His precious gift of love so much in their lives. Tears for all the laughter we have been having lately that makes me really see us as a family. Tears for the family that had to break apart in order for me to have mine. Tears for a woman somewhere out there who let her children slip through her fingers without even knowing what was happening. Tears for the hurt and the scars my kids will always have, but tears for how God is covering those everyday with fresh skin and new roots. Tears for how desperately I want them both to know just how much I love them and never ever will let them get away from me. Tears for all the times I could be praying harder for each of them. Tears bc of all the other children who I pass everyday or could be working with or sitting with my kids in class that don't have a good home or even a chance to hear about the hope in Christ. Tears for the families breaking apart as we speak and for how grateful I am that God did not let me get pregnant so I could have these two in my life instead. Tears bc God is always good and is always watching over our family. Tears bc I was so happy, and so overwhelmed, and so heartbroken, and so overjoyed that they just couldn't be contained.

He started twitching which meant he was going into sound asleep mode. As much as I didn't want to get up, there was another little being that I needed to get dried, into her pajamas, teeth brushed and into bed so I could share the same moment with before she too fell asleep.

Everyone keeps saying how special we are for taking them into our home and how lucky the kids are to have us and how we must be pretty strong to withstand The hardship that goes along with this... And I say it's all wrong. God knew who would fill the kid shaped holes of my heart long before I even thought about marriage and babies. Also there's a reason he chose Robert and I, bc we were willing to let our faith be pushed to the limit bc he had established a firm foundation through our dating and early marriage relationship.  And we are not strong, trust me at the end of the day we are burdened and weak, but we don't mind being weak bc we both know that if we even try to act strong without Christ using His strength to the full, then we will fail and fail miserably. With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).  Thank you continually for the prayers. They are being heard.

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. (1 Timothy 6:12 NIV)

More and More

I know it has been awhile, but its time for an update... well really its time for me to just bear my heart a little. We have been going strong, feeling strong, and bonding in ways that only God could ordain, but tonight my heart is heavy which I'll explain later. First, I want to capture the highlights and joys of the month.

We took a family mini trip to Abilene at the end of March. The kids are still on medicines that warrant management from a psychiatrist and thanks to the busting economy in Midland/Odessa there is no one who would take them as new patients... so to Abilene we went. The trip went greater than expected... we swam in the mini pool, ate at my favorite restaurant, and when the kids appointment was over we went to the zoo. Its not the grandest zoo, but it was fun to see the animals and walk around a bit before getting in the car to drive home (which was NOT fun! Sorry mom and dad for driving yall crazy when I was little haha). We have found that traveling is not the funnest... but the trip was a nice little break from the norm.

The next weekend my friends Tracy and Ashley came to town to meet the kids and get to spend some time with them. Its so cool to see our friends start to have a relationship with our kids and to see how each of them fall in love with their craziness haha... ok, their cuteness and charming demeanor...most of the time... haha, anyways...we had a great time catching up and the kids gained two new "aunts". The kids have had several opportunities to meet some of my close friends and I love how they have latched onto them and have started mentioning them in casual conversation or during prayer time. Yall are loved and are making a difference for these kids. Thank you :)

Easter was a new experience for us all as Waylon was actually grounded for the entire weekend. He told a lie that stretched the entire week and we gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth and get out of it but he kept dragging it along... sooo a big grounding is what he got... BUT here is the awesome part.... while he used to hide, scream, shut down, yell mean things, and just plain not care about his punishment for doing something wrong... he now sat upright on the couch and listened and answered questions and said his "yes maams and sirs" and took it like a champ. We still did some fun things, like spend time with each set of grandparents, went to the church egg hunt and picnic, and watched a movie as a family. Easter morning they were quite the ball of out of control energy and bought drove us insane, but we have realized that this will happen more and more on Sundays as the enemy tries to throw off our church day as much as he can... (he will not win though!) Still we chose to give them "Grace Sunday" and although they didnt deserve it, they got some candy, trinket toys (cheap but entertaining), and all their confiscated toys back from our bedroom (we were starting to look like a cheap garage sale with all our kids toys splattered in our closet and by our bed). This was a great opportunity to talk to the kids about God's grace and forgiveness and the cross.

So our first Easter together was just plain awesome... minus the restrictions Waylon had.. and we made the most of it. One of the things I've always imagined with my kids was them learning to fall in love with church and God the way I was brought up. Yes, I was always in church, but I wasn't one of those kids who got burnt out on it... I knew it was good for me and I couldn't imagine myself missing church for anything... so I've always hoped my kids would be the same. . . . well they are not and its something I'm trying to let be in God's hands, but church is still something that is sometimes hard for them since we are up there all the time. They do the best they can I guess and I'm beyond thankful for the teachers and volunteers who work with them, and for our youth group for showing their love to them especially when they are super hyper and crazy. If you are praying for us, please pray that they will be able to feel comfortable in church and that God will show them the excitement in learning about His word.

So its April now and May is almost here, and we are going to be super busy. I'm a little nervous as we have several small and long trips to make in the next few weeks and the kids don't travel well... not like a dog or anything... but they get super bored. I guess thats something every parent has to figure out is how to get their kids to get along and be occupied during a road trip... and we are now in that boat! Hopefully they will become better travelers :) (pray for that too!)

Ok now for some deep thought stuff which is totally random... remember I'm not a good writer!
This past week there were several instances that occurred that were a hard cold hammer to my heart reminding me that the kids aren't "legally" mine yet and that they are not "biologically" mine. I love getting to tell people I meet that these are my kids, or getting to see old friends and introduce them, and I have even let myself get so caught up in the "mommy" role that I forget the technicalities of our situation. One thing is that I forget how much I am fighting for their love and affection as much as they are in need of mine. They didn't just automatically love us and accept us as their parents, we had to essentially win over their hearts and we are still striving to do this each day. I may get mad at my mom at times but she is my mom and I love her. They get mad at me and in their minds they can just replace me with someone else. Of course things are better than when we started and they are trying their hardest to do whats right and to express their love for us, but in the end the scary part of this is that we could be replaced if they say no. God has given me alot of peace about this, but still... if you jump into my shoes... the thought will make your heart rate increase and can make you quite sad.
Both the kids had opportunities with their classes to write books and have them published. I knew what elva's book was about bc lets face it we had to help her write it. Waylon never mentioned he was writing a book so I didn't even know he had one until it came home with him the other day. He was very secretive about showing me the book and this is why... the book (all 3 pages of it... we paid money for that??) was about how "mom is annoing sometimes and tells me no". Its about me telling him no and him getting in trouble. 3 pages of a total of maybe 15 words... maybe only 12. It made me all sorts of emotions... made, angry, sad, and very confused. I had to remind myself that he wrote is several months ago when things weren't as good as they were now. Still its so hard to be trying to make all these fresh memories and here is a reminder of his point of view of me from a few months back. I'm not depressed over the book, but it is going into the trash can I hate to say... its not a proud thing and I think he understood how much it hurt me and wasn't a good showing of his love. Just a reminder that this is harder than it seems.

A few instances have occurred lately with Elva where she has said how much she likes someone (mostly her school teacher, who is an amazing woman and works so well with Elva), but she has compared me to this person and puts us on the same level of her likeness. "I like her and you the same!" she says. I don't know if this is normal thinking, but it kinda makes you feel worthless when you put all this effort into being super mommy and your child lowers your ranking by putting at the same level of likeness to someone else. The fight for their love and acceptance is never ending and often unnoticed or unappreciated... at least for now and I'm sure it will change... but it didn't help me feel any more loved after reading Waylon's book.

I think the hardest thing right now is forgetting that while I'm comfortable with the kids and have seen them change and gain more control (for the most part) and grow in our relationship... that is not seen by other people yet. I forget how I have to be careful with my choice of words with people bc there are some who just aren't that comfortable around my kids... which is understandable... especially knowing their behaviors beforehand. Its hard for me to not stick up for my kids bc I really can't fault the other party involved... no matter if I feel they are reasonable or not in giving my kids a shot... this situation is just awkward. Its new and no some people just won't embrace it right away. My heart breaks for my kids to have the bonds they could have with other family members and my friends if they would have been biologically mine. How much more would they be accepted and comfortable with their surroundings if I could have given birth to them. I find myself thinking and pondering what they were like as infants and how would they have looked so little. I want those missing pieces, but they won't be there and I have to just accept that and be ok. They are 4 months into being a part of the Fowler family and in the grand scheme of things thats not very long at all and I'm trying to be understanding. I want my kids to develop a strong relationship with those close to us, but its hard for me to accept that it will take time. Its even harder to accept that some people may never get comfortable with them... and that has to be ok too. Adoption may have given me a family, but it also disrupted the stability of every relationship Robert and I had with others. Yes, many have been open and loving, but some need more time. Its just hard to change my attitude when you dream about your kids interaction with people and circumstances, but they turn out less than what you imagined. I'm not saying I'm upset with anyone, I'm just trying to understand, and I want to shed light for others who are or are about to go through this same process that this could happen to you. God has great timing for forming and renewing relationships and I know He is working to strengthen those as we speak. Please know that it makes it hard for this momma.

I can say without a doubt that I'm in love with Waylon and Elva. They are my kids and more and more I am falling in love with their special quirks. Robert and I are having serious talks about parenting issues we never dreamed would come up, but God is truly faithful to our marriage and helping us get stronger through our nearness to Him. Theres no way the enemy will take these kids away in 2 more months. And 6 months seems to be taking forever! I thought we were almost there but 2 more months!!! Oh time please move fast... wait... no, time don't move fast... these are the only moments I'll with them right now and I don't want it to flash before my eyes.
We continue to covet your prayers. Thursdays are no longer our bad days, its just kind of depends now on their entertainment level, sleep deprivation level, hunger level, and overall mood level. I request prayer for Waylon's schooling... he is a smart kid, but just needs to hang on to the end of the semester. The horrendous STAAR test is over, but we pray he passed. Elva is continuing to make great grades (all A's!) and I pray she will be able to be weaned of her ADHD medicine over the next few months/years. She has a hard time being still and contained without it. I pray they both will be medicine free in the near future and (this most of all) that they will continue to have their hearts opened to the fullness of Christ's love for them. Yes I want them to have the fullness of our love, but our love will never be as fulfilling as Christs. Christ first and then us second. I pray spiritual protection over them as the enemy is showing his face again and I don't want him to even get a toe in our house. I also pray God will show us what to do with them during the summer... bc we have a few options but no clear direction and its like a month away- ahh!

Thank you to our prayer warriors and to those who have gone out of their way to love on the kids and help them feel special. It means more than we ever could express :)

Lamentations 3:24-26
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him; 

 it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.