Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Just for this moment

It was Monday night, a time where Robert goes to play disc golf and I get the kids to myself. Things were going so typical... They were bickering at each other as siblings do and I was getting on to them as parents do... Then time to wrestle them into the bath and get as many chores done as possible. Both kids were exceptionally tired that night and it was all I could do to keep Elva from falling asleep before she took a bath (lest she drown). Waylon was first and I remember hearing him pull the plug to let the water drain... And then silence... Which is never good. So I slowly open the bathroom door to a nice thud and realize he fell asleep on the bathroom mat. Goofball. Luckily he had draped the towel over himself before he did... So I gently woke him, somehow got him to brush his teeth and then helped guide him to bed. I wanted to lay down with him bc it's just something I try to do as often as I can and he was complaining of his head hurting so I figured he would be extra cuddly. I got Elva in the bath (her hyper kicked in so she was awake and ready to play) and then I went into Waylon's room. He snuggled into my arms and I started rubbing his head. I had some serious talk with him just about some upcoming things to which he acknowledged with a simple grunting but he was somewhat still with me consciously. I tried to pull away at one point to get a closer look at his face and he pulled me even closed to him. He muttered an I love you mom somehow in his garbled sleepiness and I just closed my eyes and got even more comfortable. I was stroking his hair (it's my favorite when it's a little fuzzy but still short) and I suddenly was overcome by a flood of tears.

Tears for the missed moments to hold him and for how I might never hold a baby (and that's ok if it's what God has planned). Tears for how I try so hard to focus on teaching them right and wrong instead of just remembering that they are kids and I need to simply love on them. Tears bc of all the moments with the kids, I didn't want this one to end. Tears bc God is so good and has shown us His precious gift of love so much in their lives. Tears for all the laughter we have been having lately that makes me really see us as a family. Tears for the family that had to break apart in order for me to have mine. Tears for a woman somewhere out there who let her children slip through her fingers without even knowing what was happening. Tears for the hurt and the scars my kids will always have, but tears for how God is covering those everyday with fresh skin and new roots. Tears for how desperately I want them both to know just how much I love them and never ever will let them get away from me. Tears for all the times I could be praying harder for each of them. Tears bc of all the other children who I pass everyday or could be working with or sitting with my kids in class that don't have a good home or even a chance to hear about the hope in Christ. Tears for the families breaking apart as we speak and for how grateful I am that God did not let me get pregnant so I could have these two in my life instead. Tears bc God is always good and is always watching over our family. Tears bc I was so happy, and so overwhelmed, and so heartbroken, and so overjoyed that they just couldn't be contained.

He started twitching which meant he was going into sound asleep mode. As much as I didn't want to get up, there was another little being that I needed to get dried, into her pajamas, teeth brushed and into bed so I could share the same moment with before she too fell asleep.

Everyone keeps saying how special we are for taking them into our home and how lucky the kids are to have us and how we must be pretty strong to withstand The hardship that goes along with this... And I say it's all wrong. God knew who would fill the kid shaped holes of my heart long before I even thought about marriage and babies. Also there's a reason he chose Robert and I, bc we were willing to let our faith be pushed to the limit bc he had established a firm foundation through our dating and early marriage relationship.  And we are not strong, trust me at the end of the day we are burdened and weak, but we don't mind being weak bc we both know that if we even try to act strong without Christ using His strength to the full, then we will fail and fail miserably. With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).  Thank you continually for the prayers. They are being heard.

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. (1 Timothy 6:12 NIV)

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