No we have not dropped off the face of the planet, just going through life is all and haven't had time (or energy) to sit down and write.
Currently, I am sitting on the bench at the end of my bed while my daughter is jumping on packing bubbles that came in a package today. Her laughter is hilarious and her smile is the darn cutest you've ever seen. My son is running around with some neighborhood kids, jumping on the trampoline, and playing in the dirt. He loves to be active and he loves to be with people. We have been seeing some better days this week (week 6 OMG!) which is honestly a big sigh of relief. While the weekends seem to be variable with each child having 2-3 fits, the week days seem to be leveling out. Of course these fits and the days depend on typical child behavior and responses to things (hungry, tired, bored, etc) but we are learning more and more about how to avoid some fits and how to break them faster from their anger. I wish I could say there have been no problems at school, but Waylon seems to find one instance each week to blow it. Elva is of course an angel in school bc she likes her teacher and she gets to be creative (which drives her passion) so we don't have any issues with her in her schooling. Waylon is the "victim" of his mouth alot and as smart as he is, he still struggles with showing respect to his teachers and not trying to pick on any kids.
They are getting there. As slow as a snail (and not Turbo bc hes fast, haha my kids love that movie), and as fast as the leaves change color each season, they are getting there. I can see Waylon trying to control himself when he gets upset and for all its worth he is able to calm down way faster than Elva. His behavior is changing in some ways that are not so good, but at least he is showing that he is trying to use the right coping mechanisms (go to his room and chill without yelling, throwing things, slamming doors, or mouthing off). Elva just can't seem to shake herself to reality when she gets mad. I mean the slightest thing (mostly when her brother makes her mad) just gets her in such a frizzle that she would probably stay mad at the world forever unless we "break" her of her stupor. Her fits seem to get longer and her screams louder, but I can again tell that she slowly learning how things go and how she doesn't want the consequences that come following her fits. While both of them have yelled that they hate it here and they hate us while they are mad, they are both quicker to take it back as soon as they come off their emotional high. Our goal each fit is to instruct in healthier ways to release their feelings and to reassure them that we love them, no matter what they say or do.
The best moments have been just having normalcy moments. Elva's hilarious child like vocabulary (she puts extra syllables of things) and how she says "thing majiger" for everything. Waylon's wild imagination and silly laughter. Giggling together at the dinner table (most of the time), listening to them try to learn the words to the songs on the Christian radio, quietly snickering while they say the most bizarre but cute prayers, giving nose kisses, teaching them Bible verses and rejoicing when they get them right, trying to figure out their reasoning for things and then they get confused themselves and we just laugh out loud, reading our devotional book and hearing them maybe, just maybe figuring out this love of Christ, and watching movies with them snuggled up against us... and then squirming and moving to this couch and getting a drink and getting a pillow and getting a blanket and getting bored and wanting this and wanting that and always always moving! Oh yes, those moments are wonderful and I hope will just continue to increase in number. The best best moments are getting to hear them say I love you and when they just want you to be near enough to hug them or hold them. Oh I forgot tickling... hahaha yes tickling is always a good moment! Waylon has one spot (on his sides) where he is ticklish and Elva starts to laugh when you get close to her and just say the word tickle. The kids have been participating in kids Bible quizzing at our church. They had a competition kind of thing on Saturday and believe it or not they each got 4th place in their age divisions... we were quite proud and impressed! Something is getting through to them! (and its all God really)
I wish some days I didn't wake up and have a hard time telling myself to love them, but I really wouldn't be human at this point if this wasnt a hard transition. Its still in an unnatural state for us to *poof* be parents and by all means why would I even begin to expect that I have it all together. An untraumatized child is able to get over an upset in 2-3 minutes give or take less or more... mine takes 15-30 minutes give or take. My child is unable to chemically process why they get upset and mad and how to calm down... whereas any other child might have regret or feel sorry for the wrong they had done. A natural child knows they can trust their parents and will confide in them when hurting... mine have been let down so many times that trust is scary and foreign to them and why would they come running to someone for help when they still have to make the choice everyday as well to love us back. A mom of biological kids has years and years to develop a special bond with their child, we are making up for lost years and damaged years. Its ok for me to not feel connected to them some days and its ok for me to not know how I'm going to handle one more fit or upset in the day. Its ok that I shed a few tears for my sanity. Bc through it all, its not really me. My God knows the desires of my heart and He knows the hurts and pains and He knows whats best for these two blessings. Its not me, I'm too weak. Its God, He is my strength. And only a God so loving and magnificant could put this family together the way He did. So if we have a hard day, its all part of God's process and He is the one standing beside them, whispering to them, whispering and leading us.
I wouldn't trade this journey for anything... I would love more happy days in the future, but even if there are only hard days we will survive bc of God's grace and mercy. I can't truly express how freeing and beautiful it is when I fall to my knees before Christ and confess every fear and thankful joy and hurt. And how His sweet strong arms just pick me up, set me on my feet, and carry me to another day. Its so beautiful to fall apart with Christ. I want to be broken and put back together everyday by Him if thats what it takes for me to be the mom and the christian He has called me to be. Better days are still ahead. Its just taking things one day at a time. And that is ok.
How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. Psalm 31:19
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
What Makes It All Worth It
As we head into week 4 of parenthood all I can say is alot has changed. Some for the better and definitely some for the not so better.
If you are a parent and you read this please do not be offended or laugh too hard or jump to conclusions... this again is my experience spilling out for the hopes that somewhere someone may be touched or encouraged by these words... I am in no way an expert (haha that is even funny to think) and I do not want to overlook parenthood in general that it is hard and an ever changing blessing... this is just our experience. OK that being said I'll continue...
The first two weeks of having our children were a sweet little blur... the "honeymoon" period as some have put it... we had lots of time with the kids to just bond with them since neither Rob or I went into work, so we rode bikes, went to the park (even in the 30 degree weather all bundled up), went fishing at the park by our house, went to the movies, played games, had Christmas (eek), and cleaned up Christmas and then had New Years and wow it was just alot of fun each day. I think we did our best to provide different activities for the kids to help them feel more at home and to set down some rules. Oh rules... I think every kid comes with a gene that says "ignore rules set by your parents" just for the fun of it! Anyways, we were living a blissful time with little argument and disagreement from the kids. I honestly was surprised by their responses to our overwhelming introductions to family and friends as well as their ability to acclimate to our home environment.
And then we spent the later part of the 2nd week preparing for school to start and trying to set schedules as best we could. Then on Monday the 6th, Rob and I took them into their first day of school... and our first day of school also. It was weird getting them up, feeding them breakfast (cereal for Elva and Poptarts for Waylon literally everyday), helping them pick their outfits and doing Elva's hair and putting the backpacks together (which were quite empty bc we didn't know what they needed) and making their lunches and then grabbing the mountain of paperwork that needed to go to the school and heading out the door! We arrived just before 7:30 (as I was told bc of the paperwork) and we headed to the office...which I had only been in their school once and that was to drop off their original enrollment forms the day we got the kids... so I knew basically where the office was and that was it. We were greeted with smiling faces and it was funny how when we were asked questions about the kids or who we were that the kids would answer "we are adopted!" As if everyone needed to know that, but at least they are proud of it right? So we were escorted to their new teachers (who are awesome!), were able to introduce ourselves and explain a little about each child to their teacher and then we hugged them and walked out. No I didn't cry... I was too excited and nervous and happy that we were finally at the point in our lives where we could say "we just dropped off our kids at school!"
School really is going great for the kids, they each have some friends and are getting good reports everyday by their teachers... or at least we have heard no bad news so thats good right?! Well since school was the beginning of week 3 I guess the kids decided that the "honeymoon" was over and that they had some boundaries they wanted to push. [Remember parents I asked you not to laugh too much... most people have years to ease into this part of their lives, we were thrust down the rebellion hole from the get go and its been quire a struggle] So while they behaved during the day, would come home and do their homework mostly without a fuss... it seemed the evenings began to turn sour. I firmly believe in demons and angels and although I can't say for sure, I'm most certain a heavy negative spirit rested in our house beginning on Tuesday. Our sweet Elva, who was always quick to apologize and do what she needed to do and was so helpful... became full of rage, anger, and so many emotions that it scared me at first. She was quick to become upset and defy whatever command we had just given. The time out couch was unfortunately her friend quite often and we saw some pretty scary emotions leak from her tiny body. I understand kids can be mad and will lose their tempers at some point in time, but this was beyond being prepared for. Waylon was pretty good at calming himself down and staying away from time out except for a few times when he really just let us have it. And I mean let us have it... the worst possible thing your child could ever say to you has been said to us multiple times in their deepest upset. It may be just words, but it still stings.
I don't share this to put my kids down, there is a light at the end of the tunnel that we are racing for... and at times that Rob and I are dragging the kids towards, but we are going to get there with God's help if it kills us... But I do share it bc I feel like I am called to, I feel like I can't skip over the details and just say everything is good, working on a few adjustments, but everything is good... bc who really believes that. We all have stuff going on, and if sharing my stuff can you deal with your stuff than please read about my stuff and I will gladly share.
I don't wish upon any parent to have to endure some of the things we have had to go through. No we aren't in any way martyrs for what has happened in our parenting moments, but please understand me when I say that these new experiences for us are sometimes beyond what anyone can prepare you for. To have your child become so upset that you have no physical way of calming them down is very scary for anyone. To then lay by that child's bed for an hour, praying for their healing, for comfort, for the right words... as they are yelling they hate you, as they are telling you that you are not their real parent and that they can't wait to be rid of this place and so on... no I don't wish that upon anyone. Kids (and adults too) will say whatever they can when they are mad just to get a reaction and try to control the situation. One of our kids will choose to keep their lips sealed in anger and the other one will yell anything that comes to mind. Again I realize this is normal for kids, especially ones who have gone through so much instability as ours have, but to have to sit through their rantings is quite painful and takes alot of faith. What makes it even more scary is to think "in 5 months will they still want to say yes to us or will they say no." They have a choice and on the hardest days I always pray that we haven't undone the progress we are trying so hard to make each day. I always reassure the kids when they have calmed down that nothing they ever say or do will cause me to give them back... bc let me tell you a little piece of their story... they were adopted once before and given back. As sad as that sounds, it happens more often than you think in adoption... EXCEPT it won't happen with our kids. I refuse to let myself even think of things getting so bad that we would give them back.... no that will never happen. So I always end each rough time with asserting our love for them.
I don't want to highlight just the negative things bc really for a family that was thrust together one month ago, comprised of two adults who have no idea what they are doing except that they want to follow Christ and two kids who have had enough heart ache beyond what some adults can stand in a lifetime, we are doing quite well. Each day is now lived in a moment to moment situation, and yes the limits are being tested daily by each child, but we are also learning certain things about them... for the good and the bad.
Elva: She is the pickiest eater alive and the slowest eater at that. But don't mention that to her or you will get a full on meltdown and then she will never finish her cereal! haha. She is scared of automatic flushing toilets and is a very sore loser (well I was too at her age). She will draw on any scrap piece of paper or solid paper like surface that she can get her hands on and any scrap piece of string, stick, rock, confetti, bla bla etc. is fair game for an art project. She has the same laugh as me which is totally weird and funny and she loves learning the piano (although not to practice which is also like me at her age). She would rather have a candy cane for a snack or dessert than chocolate and loves to work on spelling words (shes a cute nerd). Elva also loves to ride her bike and collect things for art projects outside (which drives us nuts, but its creativity). She is quick to pester her brother but just as quick to cry when things turn against her will. She says some of the cutest things and while she struggles so much with understanding about God and why she is not with her family anymore and what the definition of a mom is... she has such an innocence about her that I hope she never loses.
Waylon: He is a typical smelly, gross, play in the dirt, get sweaty, be rough kind of boy. He has a hard time letting his imagination come through, but when he gets a crazy idea we let him run with it and he starts to show his creativity. He wants to do good and stay out of time out so bad (and I want him to also). Waylon loves beyond all things to hunt and shoot things with guns (animals not people). He will walk all over the house asking people to "put their hands up" or be shot with one of many nerf guns. He is only ticklish on the sides of his tummy, and he loves to cuddle with momma at the end of the day (oh how I love those moments). He has a growing belly even though we are very strict with his diet and he will do ANYTHING for chocolate or dessert. Funny thing is he chipped his tooth this past week in the exact spot Robert has a chip in his tooth. So now they smile just alike. Waylon loves to be around other kids he can play with and even though his attention span is very short he likes to fish. Waylon has started to embrace his new family members (as in grandparents and aunts/uncles) and doesn't really talk about his old family much. He likes to say how much he is glad to be in our home (well when he is happy he says that haha).
Both of the kids do still have time to talk to their foster parents bc they miss them and for good reasons too. We don't ever want to break those relationships that they had, their foster families were the ones who had to go through the roughest moments with them to reach the point they are at today. We are grateful for them. That being said, I don't know if I've shared this about the kids that they weren't in the same foster home when we got them. For various reasons they have been apart from each other for about 6 months so learning to be brother and sister again has been a struggle. Its hard to teach Elva that her brother is going to be mean and play rough instead of being her protector and provider like he was growing up. And its hard to teach Waylon that his sister is sensitive bc of their past and how much she hasn't yet come to understand. And its hard for us to know when to step in and when to let things go! I'm not going to lie that I get very nervous when they start playing together bc I know it more often than not (and at this point we are at 99% of the time) it will end in a blow up. This will change with time I know as will everything, but still its just one of those not normal situations we are having to learn to handle along with our own adjustments.
I leave you with some of my favorite moments so far... bc no matter how hard the rough moments are, the good ones are what makes it all worth it... and in the end thats what we have to remind ourselves... they are worth it.
Fave moment with Waylon: When he randomly comes up to each of us multiple times during the day just because he hasn't had a hug in a little while. He might be sinisterly trying to get something, but I will take all the hugs and kisses I can get from him bc I know the time is coming when he will feel too cool for all that... and unfortunately thats not too far away from the age he is. But I'm hoping to have many more of his random hugs :)
Fave moment with Elva: One night Elva was having a hard time getting settled in bed (missing her other mom) so I talked with her and ran my fingers over her face and through her hair, but nothing was really getting that sad look out of her eye. So I asked her if I could sing her a song. My mom used to sing me a song when she put me to bed at night, and even sang it to each other as I got older (like in my 20s) whenever I would stay at their house before I got married. I had always dreamed of singing it to my little girl as she grew up and not until this one night did I think about it. So I sang it to her and saw the sad eyes turn to happy sleepy little eyes. That was a good night :)
Thank you all again for your prayers. I won't lie that at the end of the day I just lay in Robert's arms and just pray for God's understanding and sometimes I cry bc there just seems nothing else to do but cry and sometimes I just smile and am so thankful. But thank you for your prayers. They are still needed very much. Thank you.I cannot stress enough how much God is in this and how much I daily must fall on my knees and ask for His guidance and His strength and His wisdom through it all. God is what makes this all worth it :)
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
If you are a parent and you read this please do not be offended or laugh too hard or jump to conclusions... this again is my experience spilling out for the hopes that somewhere someone may be touched or encouraged by these words... I am in no way an expert (haha that is even funny to think) and I do not want to overlook parenthood in general that it is hard and an ever changing blessing... this is just our experience. OK that being said I'll continue...
The first two weeks of having our children were a sweet little blur... the "honeymoon" period as some have put it... we had lots of time with the kids to just bond with them since neither Rob or I went into work, so we rode bikes, went to the park (even in the 30 degree weather all bundled up), went fishing at the park by our house, went to the movies, played games, had Christmas (eek), and cleaned up Christmas and then had New Years and wow it was just alot of fun each day. I think we did our best to provide different activities for the kids to help them feel more at home and to set down some rules. Oh rules... I think every kid comes with a gene that says "ignore rules set by your parents" just for the fun of it! Anyways, we were living a blissful time with little argument and disagreement from the kids. I honestly was surprised by their responses to our overwhelming introductions to family and friends as well as their ability to acclimate to our home environment.
And then we spent the later part of the 2nd week preparing for school to start and trying to set schedules as best we could. Then on Monday the 6th, Rob and I took them into their first day of school... and our first day of school also. It was weird getting them up, feeding them breakfast (cereal for Elva and Poptarts for Waylon literally everyday), helping them pick their outfits and doing Elva's hair and putting the backpacks together (which were quite empty bc we didn't know what they needed) and making their lunches and then grabbing the mountain of paperwork that needed to go to the school and heading out the door! We arrived just before 7:30 (as I was told bc of the paperwork) and we headed to the office...which I had only been in their school once and that was to drop off their original enrollment forms the day we got the kids... so I knew basically where the office was and that was it. We were greeted with smiling faces and it was funny how when we were asked questions about the kids or who we were that the kids would answer "we are adopted!" As if everyone needed to know that, but at least they are proud of it right? So we were escorted to their new teachers (who are awesome!), were able to introduce ourselves and explain a little about each child to their teacher and then we hugged them and walked out. No I didn't cry... I was too excited and nervous and happy that we were finally at the point in our lives where we could say "we just dropped off our kids at school!"
School really is going great for the kids, they each have some friends and are getting good reports everyday by their teachers... or at least we have heard no bad news so thats good right?! Well since school was the beginning of week 3 I guess the kids decided that the "honeymoon" was over and that they had some boundaries they wanted to push. [Remember parents I asked you not to laugh too much... most people have years to ease into this part of their lives, we were thrust down the rebellion hole from the get go and its been quire a struggle] So while they behaved during the day, would come home and do their homework mostly without a fuss... it seemed the evenings began to turn sour. I firmly believe in demons and angels and although I can't say for sure, I'm most certain a heavy negative spirit rested in our house beginning on Tuesday. Our sweet Elva, who was always quick to apologize and do what she needed to do and was so helpful... became full of rage, anger, and so many emotions that it scared me at first. She was quick to become upset and defy whatever command we had just given. The time out couch was unfortunately her friend quite often and we saw some pretty scary emotions leak from her tiny body. I understand kids can be mad and will lose their tempers at some point in time, but this was beyond being prepared for. Waylon was pretty good at calming himself down and staying away from time out except for a few times when he really just let us have it. And I mean let us have it... the worst possible thing your child could ever say to you has been said to us multiple times in their deepest upset. It may be just words, but it still stings.
I don't share this to put my kids down, there is a light at the end of the tunnel that we are racing for... and at times that Rob and I are dragging the kids towards, but we are going to get there with God's help if it kills us... But I do share it bc I feel like I am called to, I feel like I can't skip over the details and just say everything is good, working on a few adjustments, but everything is good... bc who really believes that. We all have stuff going on, and if sharing my stuff can you deal with your stuff than please read about my stuff and I will gladly share.
I don't wish upon any parent to have to endure some of the things we have had to go through. No we aren't in any way martyrs for what has happened in our parenting moments, but please understand me when I say that these new experiences for us are sometimes beyond what anyone can prepare you for. To have your child become so upset that you have no physical way of calming them down is very scary for anyone. To then lay by that child's bed for an hour, praying for their healing, for comfort, for the right words... as they are yelling they hate you, as they are telling you that you are not their real parent and that they can't wait to be rid of this place and so on... no I don't wish that upon anyone. Kids (and adults too) will say whatever they can when they are mad just to get a reaction and try to control the situation. One of our kids will choose to keep their lips sealed in anger and the other one will yell anything that comes to mind. Again I realize this is normal for kids, especially ones who have gone through so much instability as ours have, but to have to sit through their rantings is quite painful and takes alot of faith. What makes it even more scary is to think "in 5 months will they still want to say yes to us or will they say no." They have a choice and on the hardest days I always pray that we haven't undone the progress we are trying so hard to make each day. I always reassure the kids when they have calmed down that nothing they ever say or do will cause me to give them back... bc let me tell you a little piece of their story... they were adopted once before and given back. As sad as that sounds, it happens more often than you think in adoption... EXCEPT it won't happen with our kids. I refuse to let myself even think of things getting so bad that we would give them back.... no that will never happen. So I always end each rough time with asserting our love for them.
I don't want to highlight just the negative things bc really for a family that was thrust together one month ago, comprised of two adults who have no idea what they are doing except that they want to follow Christ and two kids who have had enough heart ache beyond what some adults can stand in a lifetime, we are doing quite well. Each day is now lived in a moment to moment situation, and yes the limits are being tested daily by each child, but we are also learning certain things about them... for the good and the bad.
Elva: She is the pickiest eater alive and the slowest eater at that. But don't mention that to her or you will get a full on meltdown and then she will never finish her cereal! haha. She is scared of automatic flushing toilets and is a very sore loser (well I was too at her age). She will draw on any scrap piece of paper or solid paper like surface that she can get her hands on and any scrap piece of string, stick, rock, confetti, bla bla etc. is fair game for an art project. She has the same laugh as me which is totally weird and funny and she loves learning the piano (although not to practice which is also like me at her age). She would rather have a candy cane for a snack or dessert than chocolate and loves to work on spelling words (shes a cute nerd). Elva also loves to ride her bike and collect things for art projects outside (which drives us nuts, but its creativity). She is quick to pester her brother but just as quick to cry when things turn against her will. She says some of the cutest things and while she struggles so much with understanding about God and why she is not with her family anymore and what the definition of a mom is... she has such an innocence about her that I hope she never loses.
Waylon: He is a typical smelly, gross, play in the dirt, get sweaty, be rough kind of boy. He has a hard time letting his imagination come through, but when he gets a crazy idea we let him run with it and he starts to show his creativity. He wants to do good and stay out of time out so bad (and I want him to also). Waylon loves beyond all things to hunt and shoot things with guns (animals not people). He will walk all over the house asking people to "put their hands up" or be shot with one of many nerf guns. He is only ticklish on the sides of his tummy, and he loves to cuddle with momma at the end of the day (oh how I love those moments). He has a growing belly even though we are very strict with his diet and he will do ANYTHING for chocolate or dessert. Funny thing is he chipped his tooth this past week in the exact spot Robert has a chip in his tooth. So now they smile just alike. Waylon loves to be around other kids he can play with and even though his attention span is very short he likes to fish. Waylon has started to embrace his new family members (as in grandparents and aunts/uncles) and doesn't really talk about his old family much. He likes to say how much he is glad to be in our home (well when he is happy he says that haha).
Both of the kids do still have time to talk to their foster parents bc they miss them and for good reasons too. We don't ever want to break those relationships that they had, their foster families were the ones who had to go through the roughest moments with them to reach the point they are at today. We are grateful for them. That being said, I don't know if I've shared this about the kids that they weren't in the same foster home when we got them. For various reasons they have been apart from each other for about 6 months so learning to be brother and sister again has been a struggle. Its hard to teach Elva that her brother is going to be mean and play rough instead of being her protector and provider like he was growing up. And its hard to teach Waylon that his sister is sensitive bc of their past and how much she hasn't yet come to understand. And its hard for us to know when to step in and when to let things go! I'm not going to lie that I get very nervous when they start playing together bc I know it more often than not (and at this point we are at 99% of the time) it will end in a blow up. This will change with time I know as will everything, but still its just one of those not normal situations we are having to learn to handle along with our own adjustments.
I leave you with some of my favorite moments so far... bc no matter how hard the rough moments are, the good ones are what makes it all worth it... and in the end thats what we have to remind ourselves... they are worth it.
Fave moment with Waylon: When he randomly comes up to each of us multiple times during the day just because he hasn't had a hug in a little while. He might be sinisterly trying to get something, but I will take all the hugs and kisses I can get from him bc I know the time is coming when he will feel too cool for all that... and unfortunately thats not too far away from the age he is. But I'm hoping to have many more of his random hugs :)
Fave moment with Elva: One night Elva was having a hard time getting settled in bed (missing her other mom) so I talked with her and ran my fingers over her face and through her hair, but nothing was really getting that sad look out of her eye. So I asked her if I could sing her a song. My mom used to sing me a song when she put me to bed at night, and even sang it to each other as I got older (like in my 20s) whenever I would stay at their house before I got married. I had always dreamed of singing it to my little girl as she grew up and not until this one night did I think about it. So I sang it to her and saw the sad eyes turn to happy sleepy little eyes. That was a good night :)
Thank you all again for your prayers. I won't lie that at the end of the day I just lay in Robert's arms and just pray for God's understanding and sometimes I cry bc there just seems nothing else to do but cry and sometimes I just smile and am so thankful. But thank you for your prayers. They are still needed very much. Thank you.I cannot stress enough how much God is in this and how much I daily must fall on my knees and ask for His guidance and His strength and His wisdom through it all. God is what makes this all worth it :)
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Making the Adjustments
So I sat down over the course of the last several days and wrote an
entire post about my emotions and the hard stuff with the transition to
parenthood, but I decided that it will stay a draft and never be
published bc I wrote some things in there that just don't need to be
shared. It felt good to get them out of my head, but I'm realizing how
"normally not normal" our situation is and that some of my crazy
emotional vomit (bc thats what it was) was not worth sharing. I may
share some quotes from that post, but for now, I've had time to actually
let everything sink in and am now ready to update how parenthood is
going for us.
We have been parents for 18 days, weird to think bc as we get into this more and more it seems like they have been ours for alot longer. We are officially "Mom" and "Dad" for everything and I have to say that those are some of my favorite words out of their mouth. I mean I can only imagine a babies first moment saying momma or dadda and how proudly ecstatic the parent must be in that moment, but to have had to wait several days for your children who are 6 and 8 to get comfortable with those words... and by comfortable I mean for them to call you those names without having to stop and think about it first or without them saying it just bc they know how much we want to hear it...to have to wait for that moment was hard, yet worth the wait. Its so natural now and I love calling them my son and daughter (that still seems weird to say!). Its funny to see our family/friend's reactions to them calling us mom and dad... we get the cute "aww" eyes and stuff like that... its amusing haha!
I do have to talk about a very serious thing that I have had plenty of time to cry over and to contemplate about. When we announced we were adopting, we realized that it was going to be a change not just for us but for everyone. And I mean everyone - our church family, the youth group, our friends, coworkers, our parents, our brothers and sisters, our nieces and nephews, other family, etc... everyone. But we didn't know to what extent that change would be until we got the kids home with us two weeks ago. The holidays was a great time for us to transition into the kids' parents- we had time to set our boundaries, play games and develop bonds, laugh with them, lay down the rules, and just love on them so they would know more about us and likewise. But the holidays also meant lots of interaction with family and friends in situations that became less than normal even though we were just going through normal routine. When you throw two older kids into the mix of things you were already doing, add lots of different faces, add lots of going here and going there, it becomes overwhelming for everyone. Yes, we were warned during our training to keep the new faces and introductions to a minimum in the first few weeks/month bc of how overwhelming things would be, but how do you do that when you have a big family and the holidays where family gets together?
We tried to take things slow and honestly the kids did as well as they could have with the amount of people they met and we learned somethings to - this worked and this didn't. But the biggest challenge was one that I really didn't expect and totally took me off guard. My kids did fine, they have learned how to communicate their feelings better (which is something they weren't doing in foster care) and they have learned to get to a quiet spot to calm down (or else they get time out which is no fun), so while we handled the typical sibling disputes and cranky tired children messes that are common among children overloaded with Christmas and holiday candy and cheer... we began to notice the true effects of adoption on our family relationships.
My sweet nieces and nephews are so used to us being so loving and rough with them. Now throw in my kids who are watching our every move, have trust issues, and need to know they are equals in their new family... well that was tough for our nieces and nephews to handle. I was conflicted with how much affection to give to each of them without it affecting the bonding situation with my own children. You could see it on some of their faces when we would pick up our kids or when they would run to us and just stop, unsure of it they could hug us or act how they normally would have around us. Our kids were now their cousins, but they were still strangers at that point.
I applaud our parents for being so genuine and kind during this crazy mess. While its evident that they are trying to just be the grandparents, its still odd not knowing the kids' personalities or interests. I mean thats still weird for us, but for our parents its so natural around the other grandchildren... time will fix this and I'm thankful we have two God fearing sets of parents to set great examples and morals for our children. Its still a transition.
I don't want to point him out but my brother really keyed me into how weird things were for him and all our siblings. My brother doesn't do change very well, but through his love for me, he is doing everything to hide how hard this is for him and to just learn to love the four of us stronger through this time. Christmas night I was having just an emotional spillover of everything from the first few days. All the excitement and the nervousness and the frustrations and the questions and the tough moments and the happiest moments just boiled down to me being unable to eat Christmas dinner with my family bc I had to step into a spare bedroom and just let it all come out. The one who was there for me at that time, my brother. He listened and offered his advice (which I DID try and it helped) and we discussed so many things before he admitted just how hard this was for him as well. When he had kids I was so involved with each of them and I wanted to be one of the spotlights of their lives... and how I'm sure he had dreamed the same for me and my kids some day. When he first met my two stranger children, all those things and feelings he could have dreamed of... unable to come true. Again, time is the best healer here and the kids know him as funny uncle John with the weird facial hair now, but think of all the normal emotions you go through daily with your family members and suddenly add a stranger in the mix whom you are supposed to love as one of your own and it changes things a little.
Again, our family has been wonderful. We couldn't handle this without them and without the countless prayers being poured over us and the kiddos. I have a hard time pushing aside some of the most negative and bad thoughts and focusing on the positive. [before you read these please know that Robert has banned me from ever saying them again and I'm scared to even put them on here, but I feel that I must, this is pure and raw, our experience through this and if anything I say can help someone work through their own emotions or whatever then thats why I'm writing it...] Thoughts about how I'm sorry to have put my family through this less than normal blessing, how I dont want them to have to suffer through this being hard at the sake of being an untraditional family, how much I hate it when the kids mention their mom and how much I think the worst for her bc of what she did to these kids, how I get so mad at the possibility of their being other moms and dads who are missing out on holding their own kids for stupid addictions.
No I will never say those things again, but I know without even the most shadow of a doubt that I love those two kids who right now are playing quietly in the living room - Elva drawing and Waylon in make believe land, and no matter how not normal things are and how much I must (out of necessity) cry myself to sleep in Roberts arms some nights and how much I may or may not feel like a mom to them at any given moment... they are mine. A true blessing from God. Oh the things I've learned from them and the things I have loved seeing them learn through the short time with us, its all so beautifully overwhelming. I challenge anyone who has gone through such a drastic life change to be honest about the dirt that may pop up in their minds and to release. God has given me such a desire for these children and I will rise to the challenge of being their mom - through good and bad - and I will never allow doubt or those thoughts above to ever bother me again. Yes, I will probably burst out in crying spells here and there, but tears are what keeps us sane. God never said it would be easy... but He did say it would be WORTH IT!
For now a little update:
Elva - is doing wonderful at school as expected and is continuing to draw or create something with ever piece of paper or scrap of whatever in the house. The way her mind creates is so beautiful. She has started piano lessons with my mom and can only talk about how she will become a famous piano player and be rich someday. She is having a hard time dealing with her biological mom and mourning through that loss. Its hard to see her get so mad at little things and be unable to shake it off. We are seeing baby steps of improvement, but its taken alot of tears. I hate seeing her cry, but I know this will pay off in the long run. She knows we love her and she is committed our new family. Her past is starting to come to the front of her mind, which we are trying to help her through as healthily as possible.
Waylon - has surprised us in so many ways. Everyone involved in his previous care as well as us were all concerned about him adjusting and accepting a new family.... we couldn't have been more wrong. He has become affectionate and is trying his hardest to stay out of "time out" and to calm himself down when he gets upset. He is funny, stinky, and very full of life. He is doing well in school, but needs to slow down and keep himself focused. He has shared openly how he is very happy to be with us and how he now has all he ever dreamed for - a mom and dad.
We love family time at night because we read through Jesus Calling for kids. This book is amazing (and the adult version I use in the mornings its awesome!). Waylon always wants me to cuddle with him (you don't have to force me kiddo!), and Elva always helps Robert read the verse out of the book. Yes, we have the not so glorious moments, but the happy moments are very much outweighing everything. We are blessed and I thank you for going through this journey with us.
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16
We have been parents for 18 days, weird to think bc as we get into this more and more it seems like they have been ours for alot longer. We are officially "Mom" and "Dad" for everything and I have to say that those are some of my favorite words out of their mouth. I mean I can only imagine a babies first moment saying momma or dadda and how proudly ecstatic the parent must be in that moment, but to have had to wait several days for your children who are 6 and 8 to get comfortable with those words... and by comfortable I mean for them to call you those names without having to stop and think about it first or without them saying it just bc they know how much we want to hear it...to have to wait for that moment was hard, yet worth the wait. Its so natural now and I love calling them my son and daughter (that still seems weird to say!). Its funny to see our family/friend's reactions to them calling us mom and dad... we get the cute "aww" eyes and stuff like that... its amusing haha!
I do have to talk about a very serious thing that I have had plenty of time to cry over and to contemplate about. When we announced we were adopting, we realized that it was going to be a change not just for us but for everyone. And I mean everyone - our church family, the youth group, our friends, coworkers, our parents, our brothers and sisters, our nieces and nephews, other family, etc... everyone. But we didn't know to what extent that change would be until we got the kids home with us two weeks ago. The holidays was a great time for us to transition into the kids' parents- we had time to set our boundaries, play games and develop bonds, laugh with them, lay down the rules, and just love on them so they would know more about us and likewise. But the holidays also meant lots of interaction with family and friends in situations that became less than normal even though we were just going through normal routine. When you throw two older kids into the mix of things you were already doing, add lots of different faces, add lots of going here and going there, it becomes overwhelming for everyone. Yes, we were warned during our training to keep the new faces and introductions to a minimum in the first few weeks/month bc of how overwhelming things would be, but how do you do that when you have a big family and the holidays where family gets together?
We tried to take things slow and honestly the kids did as well as they could have with the amount of people they met and we learned somethings to - this worked and this didn't. But the biggest challenge was one that I really didn't expect and totally took me off guard. My kids did fine, they have learned how to communicate their feelings better (which is something they weren't doing in foster care) and they have learned to get to a quiet spot to calm down (or else they get time out which is no fun), so while we handled the typical sibling disputes and cranky tired children messes that are common among children overloaded with Christmas and holiday candy and cheer... we began to notice the true effects of adoption on our family relationships.
My sweet nieces and nephews are so used to us being so loving and rough with them. Now throw in my kids who are watching our every move, have trust issues, and need to know they are equals in their new family... well that was tough for our nieces and nephews to handle. I was conflicted with how much affection to give to each of them without it affecting the bonding situation with my own children. You could see it on some of their faces when we would pick up our kids or when they would run to us and just stop, unsure of it they could hug us or act how they normally would have around us. Our kids were now their cousins, but they were still strangers at that point.
I applaud our parents for being so genuine and kind during this crazy mess. While its evident that they are trying to just be the grandparents, its still odd not knowing the kids' personalities or interests. I mean thats still weird for us, but for our parents its so natural around the other grandchildren... time will fix this and I'm thankful we have two God fearing sets of parents to set great examples and morals for our children. Its still a transition.
I don't want to point him out but my brother really keyed me into how weird things were for him and all our siblings. My brother doesn't do change very well, but through his love for me, he is doing everything to hide how hard this is for him and to just learn to love the four of us stronger through this time. Christmas night I was having just an emotional spillover of everything from the first few days. All the excitement and the nervousness and the frustrations and the questions and the tough moments and the happiest moments just boiled down to me being unable to eat Christmas dinner with my family bc I had to step into a spare bedroom and just let it all come out. The one who was there for me at that time, my brother. He listened and offered his advice (which I DID try and it helped) and we discussed so many things before he admitted just how hard this was for him as well. When he had kids I was so involved with each of them and I wanted to be one of the spotlights of their lives... and how I'm sure he had dreamed the same for me and my kids some day. When he first met my two stranger children, all those things and feelings he could have dreamed of... unable to come true. Again, time is the best healer here and the kids know him as funny uncle John with the weird facial hair now, but think of all the normal emotions you go through daily with your family members and suddenly add a stranger in the mix whom you are supposed to love as one of your own and it changes things a little.
Again, our family has been wonderful. We couldn't handle this without them and without the countless prayers being poured over us and the kiddos. I have a hard time pushing aside some of the most negative and bad thoughts and focusing on the positive. [before you read these please know that Robert has banned me from ever saying them again and I'm scared to even put them on here, but I feel that I must, this is pure and raw, our experience through this and if anything I say can help someone work through their own emotions or whatever then thats why I'm writing it...] Thoughts about how I'm sorry to have put my family through this less than normal blessing, how I dont want them to have to suffer through this being hard at the sake of being an untraditional family, how much I hate it when the kids mention their mom and how much I think the worst for her bc of what she did to these kids, how I get so mad at the possibility of their being other moms and dads who are missing out on holding their own kids for stupid addictions.
No I will never say those things again, but I know without even the most shadow of a doubt that I love those two kids who right now are playing quietly in the living room - Elva drawing and Waylon in make believe land, and no matter how not normal things are and how much I must (out of necessity) cry myself to sleep in Roberts arms some nights and how much I may or may not feel like a mom to them at any given moment... they are mine. A true blessing from God. Oh the things I've learned from them and the things I have loved seeing them learn through the short time with us, its all so beautifully overwhelming. I challenge anyone who has gone through such a drastic life change to be honest about the dirt that may pop up in their minds and to release. God has given me such a desire for these children and I will rise to the challenge of being their mom - through good and bad - and I will never allow doubt or those thoughts above to ever bother me again. Yes, I will probably burst out in crying spells here and there, but tears are what keeps us sane. God never said it would be easy... but He did say it would be WORTH IT!
For now a little update:
Elva - is doing wonderful at school as expected and is continuing to draw or create something with ever piece of paper or scrap of whatever in the house. The way her mind creates is so beautiful. She has started piano lessons with my mom and can only talk about how she will become a famous piano player and be rich someday. She is having a hard time dealing with her biological mom and mourning through that loss. Its hard to see her get so mad at little things and be unable to shake it off. We are seeing baby steps of improvement, but its taken alot of tears. I hate seeing her cry, but I know this will pay off in the long run. She knows we love her and she is committed our new family. Her past is starting to come to the front of her mind, which we are trying to help her through as healthily as possible.
Waylon - has surprised us in so many ways. Everyone involved in his previous care as well as us were all concerned about him adjusting and accepting a new family.... we couldn't have been more wrong. He has become affectionate and is trying his hardest to stay out of "time out" and to calm himself down when he gets upset. He is funny, stinky, and very full of life. He is doing well in school, but needs to slow down and keep himself focused. He has shared openly how he is very happy to be with us and how he now has all he ever dreamed for - a mom and dad.
We love family time at night because we read through Jesus Calling for kids. This book is amazing (and the adult version I use in the mornings its awesome!). Waylon always wants me to cuddle with him (you don't have to force me kiddo!), and Elva always helps Robert read the verse out of the book. Yes, we have the not so glorious moments, but the happy moments are very much outweighing everything. We are blessed and I thank you for going through this journey with us.
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Beyond Blessed
Well 2013 has been all over the place. Robert was saying that 2013 went by fast, but I disagree. If I could sum up 2013 in a few words they would be: Sorrow, Joy, Waiting, Blessed.
From losing 3 grandparents, 3 patients of mine, and my great grandma, I would say Sorrow to describe this year. Yes in each death there was lots of God and peace, but its still sad to have lost so many people, especially grandparents. My grandpa (father's dad) was very inspirational to many people and I am most sad that he didn't get to even know about my kids or that we were adopting. They would have loved him and he would have loved them as he loves all his grand and great grand kids. Losing both of Robert's grandmothers was also hard as I would have loved for them also to know our kids and to see Robert as a dad. My great grandmothers (my mom's grandma) funeral was probably the coolest bc she was 100 years old and left such a great life of legacy to all her kids, grandkids, great grandkids, and great great grandkids. Losing 3 patients was also very hard bc in my line of work, we develop relationships with people. My patients aren't just a file number or someone on my schedule they are real people and kids who need my help and who more often than not become my friends. Each one of them will be missed.
Joy would be my next description of this year bc of the obvious - we became PARENTS! Its still weird to think I'm a mom and Robert is a dad after all we went through to get here, but we are taking it each day, one day at a time. Exactly a year ago on New Years Eve I would never have told you or imagined that I would have two little kids with me that I am in the process of adopting. But thats what is so cool about God, He knew it all along and was just waiting to see if we would be faithful to follow Him through it all. That is the greatest kind of Joy you can ever have. True Joy, where you know that even through your faults and failures and mistakes and inadequacies that God honored your faithful heart and that the tears and prayers you poured out have not gone unnoticed. God's Joy is the best! From the moment Rob and I both decided to pursue adoption, to God giving me a dream/vision of two little kids running through the house, to finding our adoption agency, and then from each day we waited, to getting their names, seeing them the first time, bringing them home, and finally having them feel like they really are ours... yes, I would say there has been JOY this year!
I can't leave out the word waiting from the list. Goodness each of you reading this has gone through the waiting and struggles with us this year. Each step brought about a desperate cry for God to reveal himself and to show us what direction to go. Waiting was certainly the hardest thing for me this year. When we announced that we were adopting, we both thought that we would find the kids profile within a few weeks and then have them at the end of the summer... well at least thats what we kept hoping for... but God knew we needed to wait. For whatever reason, I'm glad He knew better. Rob and I were able to fully enjoy this year and to learn more about each other and our relationship with Christ before we were plunged into parenthood. How we would have survived without that time to bond closer in all our relationships, only God knows! And I have to say that if you are waiting for confirmation or for the next step to some decision or just for God to reveal something to you... don't lose heart, God is strengthening you for the journey ahead. The best thing I ever read was on another blog from an adoptive mother who said "The wait, though it may seem to last forever, WILL END. You won't wait forever". And its true, just as I gave up anticipating what God was gonna do and when I finally surrendered that His timing was going to be perfect and I didn't want to have any control anymore... He answered my waiting with two beautiful kiddos. So have patience, pray for more wisdom and contentment, and keep waiting. Something great is about to come!
AND finally, blessed. What more can I say except I am blessed. My husband, who is now a wonderful father and willing to go on this crazy journey with me to parenthood... even with all the tears, prayers, laughs, cries, and uncertainty... Robert you are my rock. My family, who lovingly took in these two kiddos as their new family members, loving them and praying for them and us in this transition... its a change for everyone and for their love I am so grateful! Our church, The Gathering @ Midland, how you all have prayed for us and helped us see the light of Christ even when we were at our weakest, you celebrated with us, helped prepare us, and are always there for us no matter the need... we are so happy to call each of you a part of our family. The Youth Gathering... our first kids and always will be, you guys embraced the change in our lives and even when we couldn't give you all that we had before, you still loved us and supported us.. I know you will each become a special and important part of our kids' lives and we can't wait to share in all the joys and memories of 2014. My friends, near and far, I have strengthened some relationships and sharpened others this year. To each of you who reached out to me or allowed me to burden you with my anxieties and freak out moments, thank you... and to all the friends who I haven't had time to fuel our closeness, 2014 is a new year!
And now a few pictures (without the kids faces) of our little family and the best times of my 2013:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of their righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5: 3-10
From losing 3 grandparents, 3 patients of mine, and my great grandma, I would say Sorrow to describe this year. Yes in each death there was lots of God and peace, but its still sad to have lost so many people, especially grandparents. My grandpa (father's dad) was very inspirational to many people and I am most sad that he didn't get to even know about my kids or that we were adopting. They would have loved him and he would have loved them as he loves all his grand and great grand kids. Losing both of Robert's grandmothers was also hard as I would have loved for them also to know our kids and to see Robert as a dad. My great grandmothers (my mom's grandma) funeral was probably the coolest bc she was 100 years old and left such a great life of legacy to all her kids, grandkids, great grandkids, and great great grandkids. Losing 3 patients was also very hard bc in my line of work, we develop relationships with people. My patients aren't just a file number or someone on my schedule they are real people and kids who need my help and who more often than not become my friends. Each one of them will be missed.
Joy would be my next description of this year bc of the obvious - we became PARENTS! Its still weird to think I'm a mom and Robert is a dad after all we went through to get here, but we are taking it each day, one day at a time. Exactly a year ago on New Years Eve I would never have told you or imagined that I would have two little kids with me that I am in the process of adopting. But thats what is so cool about God, He knew it all along and was just waiting to see if we would be faithful to follow Him through it all. That is the greatest kind of Joy you can ever have. True Joy, where you know that even through your faults and failures and mistakes and inadequacies that God honored your faithful heart and that the tears and prayers you poured out have not gone unnoticed. God's Joy is the best! From the moment Rob and I both decided to pursue adoption, to God giving me a dream/vision of two little kids running through the house, to finding our adoption agency, and then from each day we waited, to getting their names, seeing them the first time, bringing them home, and finally having them feel like they really are ours... yes, I would say there has been JOY this year!
I can't leave out the word waiting from the list. Goodness each of you reading this has gone through the waiting and struggles with us this year. Each step brought about a desperate cry for God to reveal himself and to show us what direction to go. Waiting was certainly the hardest thing for me this year. When we announced that we were adopting, we both thought that we would find the kids profile within a few weeks and then have them at the end of the summer... well at least thats what we kept hoping for... but God knew we needed to wait. For whatever reason, I'm glad He knew better. Rob and I were able to fully enjoy this year and to learn more about each other and our relationship with Christ before we were plunged into parenthood. How we would have survived without that time to bond closer in all our relationships, only God knows! And I have to say that if you are waiting for confirmation or for the next step to some decision or just for God to reveal something to you... don't lose heart, God is strengthening you for the journey ahead. The best thing I ever read was on another blog from an adoptive mother who said "The wait, though it may seem to last forever, WILL END. You won't wait forever". And its true, just as I gave up anticipating what God was gonna do and when I finally surrendered that His timing was going to be perfect and I didn't want to have any control anymore... He answered my waiting with two beautiful kiddos. So have patience, pray for more wisdom and contentment, and keep waiting. Something great is about to come!
AND finally, blessed. What more can I say except I am blessed. My husband, who is now a wonderful father and willing to go on this crazy journey with me to parenthood... even with all the tears, prayers, laughs, cries, and uncertainty... Robert you are my rock. My family, who lovingly took in these two kiddos as their new family members, loving them and praying for them and us in this transition... its a change for everyone and for their love I am so grateful! Our church, The Gathering @ Midland, how you all have prayed for us and helped us see the light of Christ even when we were at our weakest, you celebrated with us, helped prepare us, and are always there for us no matter the need... we are so happy to call each of you a part of our family. The Youth Gathering... our first kids and always will be, you guys embraced the change in our lives and even when we couldn't give you all that we had before, you still loved us and supported us.. I know you will each become a special and important part of our kids' lives and we can't wait to share in all the joys and memories of 2014. My friends, near and far, I have strengthened some relationships and sharpened others this year. To each of you who reached out to me or allowed me to burden you with my anxieties and freak out moments, thank you... and to all the friends who I haven't had time to fuel our closeness, 2014 is a new year!
And now a few pictures (without the kids faces) of our little family and the best times of my 2013:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of their righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5: 3-10
Friday, December 27, 2013
Our Gotcha Day
Gotcha Day. December 20, 2013. A new adoption term we learned through our process is that of the Gotcha Day. The day the kids officially become ours in our hearts, although they are not 100% officially ours for another 6 months. So for our kids (and yes I like saying that) our Fowler Gotcha Day is 12-20-13.
Friday the 20th, I went to work as normal, we have half day Fridays which is awesome to get off at noon to get some errands run... and on this particular Friday, my mind was halfway across Texas. I saw one patient and managed to finish all my paperwork while having my head in the clouds and when 10 am rolled around I was done, checked out, and left work with lots of well wishes from my coworkers.
This was the day I became a mom.
Like for good. No more leaving the kids at their foster parents and driving away from them again, no more saying lets count down the days till we see each other again... These kids were to become mine on this day and I was being instantly thrown into the motherhood category. Boom - parenthood.
How do I even begin to describe how I felt... terrified is a good place, anxious, nervous, happy, excited, overwhelmed, stressed out... yeah that about sums it up. I'm glad that I had a long list of "to do's" that day because I would have gone completely bonkers just sitting around waiting for them to arrive... and I am a doer not a sitter as my mother is so staying busy is usually my comfort (as weird as that sounds). So after I exited work early, I went straight to the kids school to get them registered as Friday was the last working school day until the new semester starts on the 6th... so it was today or never pretty much... luckily I stayed up late working on their school forms (to which was also quite frustrating and I may have shed a tear or two bc I just didn't know or have some of their information. This is of course going to be part of the process for the rest of our lives bc some of their information that I come across that I will need I will never have... again such as some birth information or pictures and I again have never seen a baby picture of either child) ... so I turned in their school forms as complete as I could get them. I totally had sticky noted for the parts that I needed to go back and fill in their missing info... the lady looked at me like really? but oh well thats just how I roll.
Next stop was the grocery store. I mean they need food, right? So I set out to get us groceries... and I must digress here to say that I usually shop at walmart or albertsons... yes, I would like to be an HEB shopper bc I would like HEB, but something about the store drives me up the walls and stresses me out... so my coworkers and friends have been trying to get me pumped up into trying HEB. Literally every time I've gone in there I have had a nervous break down or disaster for some reason... even when I went with Robert one time... but anyways, I decided to go to HEB. I had time to use as the kids were not expected to arrive until around 5ish. It was raining heavily that day and their caseworker was a little behind schedule leaving town. So with my HEB giftcards (thanks again friends!) I started in the produce, grabbing some fruit and salad things, a few veggies, I moved onto the cheese and meat isle... and the panic began to rise.
Not only was I in the middle of an unfamiliar store on the biggest day of my life, but I had absolutely NO idea what to put in my basket. What do these kids eat, what do they like, not like, what makes them sick, what makes them happy, what is healthier options for them, will they try new foods, what I'm just wasting my time and this money for nothing... The questions took over me and I literally started to freak out... in the middle of HEB.
I was so overwhelmed by the questions and uncertainties and the realization that I had no idea what to do or what I was about to get into that the anticipation of this moment became too much for me emotionally, too much physically, and too much for me to mentally handle any longer. I broke down.
Thank God for his special angels that he places within our path at the right moments we need them most.
As I was having my breakdown I ran into the manager of HEB who happens to be a lifelong family friend and someone I trust. He was standing in the middle of an aisle and I just walked right up to him and started to cry. He knew we were getting the kids on that day in a few hours and just talked me out of my broken state. I am very grateful to him for being there.
So I collected myself and stepped up to the challenge of going down each aisle and finding some snacks and meal items to the best of my ability and headed to the checkout. There in line I ran into my friend again who was talking to the lady in front of me. She moved forward and I started to unload my monsterously crowded basket of stuff onto the conveyor belt. I had bought the kids some V8 berry splash juice... bc I had heard it was good, not that I knew what it tasted like, but v8 has veggies and fruit so it was a winner in my book... anyways, so the lady asked me if the juice tasted like tomatoes... I honestly just stared back at her bc I didn't what to say or how to begin, so I told her the whole story... "well let me tell you my story, I'm about to adopt two kids and needed to get them groceries and someone recommended this juice to me so I put it in my basket but I have never tasted it." Her turn to stare. "Now wait, you are adopting two kids and you are at the grocery store?" she said.
"Yes, they have to eat don't they."
"well when do you get them?" -lady
"In about 3 hours."
"Wow, ok. Well I'm blown away by what you are doing, and at Christmas time too, how cool..."- lady
I don't share that to pat myself on the back, but to say that even a little conversation about juice can lead to a chance to share what God is doing in your life :)
OK so I continue... I get home from the store, unload groceries forever it seems, and I desperately call my mom to see if she would be available to help me organize and somewhat straighten our house. There was still alot of little projects left to do and the kids' stuff was not all yet put up in their rooms. She was willing to come help and as she got out of her car I just crashed on her shoulder in desperate need of a mommy hug.
She worked with quick diligence and by the time 5 came around and the kids were 30-45 minutes away, we had the house somewhat cleaned up, dinner cooking in the crock pot, and my excited nerves in full motion.
We had talked to the kids on the phone that day and I knew that they were excited - Elva a little nervous and not feeling well from the drive- but excited none the less. This was a huge life change for the 4 of us and there was no turning back now! It's funny bc everyone was asking me all day how do you feel and even afterwards, how does it feel to be a mom? I don't know if I can answer that just yet. As I'm writing this its been almost 7 days and I just don't know if I feel like a mom just yet. Not completely. I know this isn't true in reality, but in my mind and in the atmosphere of our home right now I feel as though I have to earn that title - Mom. These kids have had multiple "mom" figures and right now I'm just another one of those... in their eyes they want to be here with us forever, but there is still a possibility we will turn out like everyone else and not keep them forever (of course we know thats not going to happen, they are ours and God has given them to us for a purpose), but none the less, I'm just not yet into the realization that I am now a mom. It will take time to hit me of course, but again its something that I want to show these kids that I can earn to be called mom.
So at 5:45 on December 20, whether I felt like a mom yet or not, the moment was upon me... and Robert, but I can't speak for him. He is always so calm and collected with things like this, drives me crazy but thats why I love him :)... with the down pouring rain, the kids came running in ... and with them a ton load of stuff. I mean bags and bags and trash bags and Christmas bags and more things here and there. The state will buy Christmas presents for children in foster care through various organizations and since they were still in foster care when the lists went out, they came with presents - about 12 each. It was quite a crazy mess in our house as we were trying to put their presents away in our closet, give them a grand tour of the home and of their rooms, as well as manage all the paperwork we had to do. The kids' caseworker and HollyAnn from Addys Hope were also in our home for this special occasion and to get our placement paperwork in place. I was signing things here, initialing there, stirring dinner, answering questions, and keeping track of important copies left and right... all while Robert was corralling the kids. They finally settled down playing the Wii while we finished everything that had to be legally done for us to have the kids in our home.
After we said goodbye to the kids' caseworker and to HollyAnn, we sat down for our first meal together. Waylon eats at about the speed of a tornado so he was finished quite quickly and Elva eats like a sloth very slowly, but they ate, we organized some of their things in their rooms, allotted time for baths, and then settled in Elva's room for our first family time. We prayed and allowed the kids to say prayers and talked about how grateful we were that they were here ready to be part of our family. It was a picture perfect time... they slept in the same room (Elva has a trundle that pulls out under her bed for Waylon when he wants to sleep in there) and we kissed them goodnight.
Then we headed to our room and finally was able to take a breath. Again things felt like a dream at this point... are there really two kids sleeping in the other room? And we get to do this forever? Oh no, what do we do tomorrow? How do we be normal and make this transition easy? And Christmas is coming did we get enough, what is there left to do? Questions again came into our minds, but all we could do is stop and pray. How thankful we were that this moment had finally arrived and yet how terrifying that it was here. Again I can't say that that first night was all magical or anything, after I got over my anxiety attack from earlier, it was just simply a very nice evening. The excitement will continue for a few days and then we will have some serious work on our hands, but this is what we signed up for and God willing there will be a perfect ending in sight.
And now to forever celebrating our Gotcha Day.
I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. John 17:23
Friday the 20th, I went to work as normal, we have half day Fridays which is awesome to get off at noon to get some errands run... and on this particular Friday, my mind was halfway across Texas. I saw one patient and managed to finish all my paperwork while having my head in the clouds and when 10 am rolled around I was done, checked out, and left work with lots of well wishes from my coworkers.
This was the day I became a mom.
Like for good. No more leaving the kids at their foster parents and driving away from them again, no more saying lets count down the days till we see each other again... These kids were to become mine on this day and I was being instantly thrown into the motherhood category. Boom - parenthood.
How do I even begin to describe how I felt... terrified is a good place, anxious, nervous, happy, excited, overwhelmed, stressed out... yeah that about sums it up. I'm glad that I had a long list of "to do's" that day because I would have gone completely bonkers just sitting around waiting for them to arrive... and I am a doer not a sitter as my mother is so staying busy is usually my comfort (as weird as that sounds). So after I exited work early, I went straight to the kids school to get them registered as Friday was the last working school day until the new semester starts on the 6th... so it was today or never pretty much... luckily I stayed up late working on their school forms (to which was also quite frustrating and I may have shed a tear or two bc I just didn't know or have some of their information. This is of course going to be part of the process for the rest of our lives bc some of their information that I come across that I will need I will never have... again such as some birth information or pictures and I again have never seen a baby picture of either child) ... so I turned in their school forms as complete as I could get them. I totally had sticky noted for the parts that I needed to go back and fill in their missing info... the lady looked at me like really? but oh well thats just how I roll.
Next stop was the grocery store. I mean they need food, right? So I set out to get us groceries... and I must digress here to say that I usually shop at walmart or albertsons... yes, I would like to be an HEB shopper bc I would like HEB, but something about the store drives me up the walls and stresses me out... so my coworkers and friends have been trying to get me pumped up into trying HEB. Literally every time I've gone in there I have had a nervous break down or disaster for some reason... even when I went with Robert one time... but anyways, I decided to go to HEB. I had time to use as the kids were not expected to arrive until around 5ish. It was raining heavily that day and their caseworker was a little behind schedule leaving town. So with my HEB giftcards (thanks again friends!) I started in the produce, grabbing some fruit and salad things, a few veggies, I moved onto the cheese and meat isle... and the panic began to rise.
Not only was I in the middle of an unfamiliar store on the biggest day of my life, but I had absolutely NO idea what to put in my basket. What do these kids eat, what do they like, not like, what makes them sick, what makes them happy, what is healthier options for them, will they try new foods, what I'm just wasting my time and this money for nothing... The questions took over me and I literally started to freak out... in the middle of HEB.
I was so overwhelmed by the questions and uncertainties and the realization that I had no idea what to do or what I was about to get into that the anticipation of this moment became too much for me emotionally, too much physically, and too much for me to mentally handle any longer. I broke down.
Thank God for his special angels that he places within our path at the right moments we need them most.
As I was having my breakdown I ran into the manager of HEB who happens to be a lifelong family friend and someone I trust. He was standing in the middle of an aisle and I just walked right up to him and started to cry. He knew we were getting the kids on that day in a few hours and just talked me out of my broken state. I am very grateful to him for being there.
So I collected myself and stepped up to the challenge of going down each aisle and finding some snacks and meal items to the best of my ability and headed to the checkout. There in line I ran into my friend again who was talking to the lady in front of me. She moved forward and I started to unload my monsterously crowded basket of stuff onto the conveyor belt. I had bought the kids some V8 berry splash juice... bc I had heard it was good, not that I knew what it tasted like, but v8 has veggies and fruit so it was a winner in my book... anyways, so the lady asked me if the juice tasted like tomatoes... I honestly just stared back at her bc I didn't what to say or how to begin, so I told her the whole story... "well let me tell you my story, I'm about to adopt two kids and needed to get them groceries and someone recommended this juice to me so I put it in my basket but I have never tasted it." Her turn to stare. "Now wait, you are adopting two kids and you are at the grocery store?" she said.
"Yes, they have to eat don't they."
"well when do you get them?" -lady
"In about 3 hours."
"Wow, ok. Well I'm blown away by what you are doing, and at Christmas time too, how cool..."- lady
I don't share that to pat myself on the back, but to say that even a little conversation about juice can lead to a chance to share what God is doing in your life :)
OK so I continue... I get home from the store, unload groceries forever it seems, and I desperately call my mom to see if she would be available to help me organize and somewhat straighten our house. There was still alot of little projects left to do and the kids' stuff was not all yet put up in their rooms. She was willing to come help and as she got out of her car I just crashed on her shoulder in desperate need of a mommy hug.
She worked with quick diligence and by the time 5 came around and the kids were 30-45 minutes away, we had the house somewhat cleaned up, dinner cooking in the crock pot, and my excited nerves in full motion.
We had talked to the kids on the phone that day and I knew that they were excited - Elva a little nervous and not feeling well from the drive- but excited none the less. This was a huge life change for the 4 of us and there was no turning back now! It's funny bc everyone was asking me all day how do you feel and even afterwards, how does it feel to be a mom? I don't know if I can answer that just yet. As I'm writing this its been almost 7 days and I just don't know if I feel like a mom just yet. Not completely. I know this isn't true in reality, but in my mind and in the atmosphere of our home right now I feel as though I have to earn that title - Mom. These kids have had multiple "mom" figures and right now I'm just another one of those... in their eyes they want to be here with us forever, but there is still a possibility we will turn out like everyone else and not keep them forever (of course we know thats not going to happen, they are ours and God has given them to us for a purpose), but none the less, I'm just not yet into the realization that I am now a mom. It will take time to hit me of course, but again its something that I want to show these kids that I can earn to be called mom.
So at 5:45 on December 20, whether I felt like a mom yet or not, the moment was upon me... and Robert, but I can't speak for him. He is always so calm and collected with things like this, drives me crazy but thats why I love him :)... with the down pouring rain, the kids came running in ... and with them a ton load of stuff. I mean bags and bags and trash bags and Christmas bags and more things here and there. The state will buy Christmas presents for children in foster care through various organizations and since they were still in foster care when the lists went out, they came with presents - about 12 each. It was quite a crazy mess in our house as we were trying to put their presents away in our closet, give them a grand tour of the home and of their rooms, as well as manage all the paperwork we had to do. The kids' caseworker and HollyAnn from Addys Hope were also in our home for this special occasion and to get our placement paperwork in place. I was signing things here, initialing there, stirring dinner, answering questions, and keeping track of important copies left and right... all while Robert was corralling the kids. They finally settled down playing the Wii while we finished everything that had to be legally done for us to have the kids in our home.
After we said goodbye to the kids' caseworker and to HollyAnn, we sat down for our first meal together. Waylon eats at about the speed of a tornado so he was finished quite quickly and Elva eats like a sloth very slowly, but they ate, we organized some of their things in their rooms, allotted time for baths, and then settled in Elva's room for our first family time. We prayed and allowed the kids to say prayers and talked about how grateful we were that they were here ready to be part of our family. It was a picture perfect time... they slept in the same room (Elva has a trundle that pulls out under her bed for Waylon when he wants to sleep in there) and we kissed them goodnight.
Then we headed to our room and finally was able to take a breath. Again things felt like a dream at this point... are there really two kids sleeping in the other room? And we get to do this forever? Oh no, what do we do tomorrow? How do we be normal and make this transition easy? And Christmas is coming did we get enough, what is there left to do? Questions again came into our minds, but all we could do is stop and pray. How thankful we were that this moment had finally arrived and yet how terrifying that it was here. Again I can't say that that first night was all magical or anything, after I got over my anxiety attack from earlier, it was just simply a very nice evening. The excitement will continue for a few days and then we will have some serious work on our hands, but this is what we signed up for and God willing there will be a perfect ending in sight.
And now to forever celebrating our Gotcha Day.
I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. John 17:23
Saturday, December 14, 2013
A Greater Purpose
Again I would like to start out by giving my gratitude to the wonderful blessings God has given me that are called my friends and family. For your support and prayers we could never fully say thank you as much as it is deserved, but please know how much you each mean to us and how we know with time that you will come to mean to our kiddos.
My heart is so swollen with joy and anticipation for next Friday. Just 6 days until we become parents permanently. 6 days till we jump into a whole different world. 6 days left with just the two of us and then we become 4. I feel this Great Wall of tears welling up inside me after seeing so much generosity poured out over us for the kids and just for the great realization that what we have prayed for is finally upon us. I really can't believe we are in this exact spot that we are. I don't really know how to react at this point. My emotions are everywhere- joy, love, anticipation, expectation, fear, tense, planning, nervousness, but mostly just love. I am finally at the point where I just miss them and ache for them to be here. Pictures only make that harder as I can't wait to see their smiles and faces in person again. I prayed for those faces, every feature, and I prayed for their smiles and laughs, so I'm ready to be around them. No more driving them back to their foster homes, they need to be with me permanently, my heart needs it. I find myself so tearful at times and ten again so happy and then so sad for some reason and back then to tearfully excited. It's just not real yet to me, but the two Waylon and Elva size holes in my heart are aching more and more. 6 days left and maybe I can take a breath and wake up from this dream.... But then again, we will have a new dream to begin.
I struggled with sharing the words in my journal with others. As soon as we began the adoption process back in March, HollyAnn suggested a journal, write down what I was feeling. Keep track of memories. Use it as an outlet, a way back to sanity in this emotional journey. And I've never been a writing in a journal kind of person, but just like writing this blog has helped to heal the scrambled pieces of my heart together, my journal has helped to do all the things HollyAnn said it would and more. It has helped me keep my eyes on my Father and to remember what is most important, following His footsteps. So I was trying to decide if I really wanted to share things I had wrote, but I just recently pulled it out and started from the beginning. What I read just took me back to the whole purpose and true meaning for why we have surrendered ourselves to this life. Let me share with you the first page in my journal, dated 4-24-13:
God has revealed himself in such a miraculous way in my life. How He has protected me, supplied for our financial needs, led me to my wonderfulf husband and friend, and been the source of comfort through all sorts of trials and tribulations, joys and smiles. As I think about where my life has come and how my dreams have become reality - maybe have changed a little from my original plans - but that have turned into something more joyous... I'm overwhelmed. God has changed my heart from its empty hole of jealousy, anger, rage, and longing... To one of hope, love, pure joy, obedience, and light. When He told me that I might never bear my own children, I thought He was taking away my future and all the happiness I had longed for, hoped for, prayed for, prepared for.
BUT I was wrong.
He was giving me the freedom to choose His plan for myself and Robert, the one full of all my dreams and desires, but also one that served a greater purpose than I could ever have imagined. One called to Adopt.
This is our adoption story.
I still remember exactly where I was when I wrote that (on a plane to Houston with our church staff). I still remember the emotion of that moment and it's all so real again to me. How many times as Christians do we pray for God to use us, but yet we aren't ready to surrender and let Him actually show us what it will take for our lives to be of greater purpose. I am not a saint or someone to be praised. It's hard for me to acknowledge people being so gracious with their words regarding us taking on this adoption and loving two children bc I know it's not me. Elva and Waylon were created to be my children and to live with us, teach us, and learn with us about how far and deep is Gods love. They had to start in a simple home with a neglectful mother first for some reason that we will only see why someday, or maybe never, but they have so much to teach the world and I hope they can find the ability to let God use them.
Of course the enemy has tried very hard to discourage and distract us during this whole time. I read through several of my journal entries about our struggles with the kids behavior and getting through the rough times into the joyous times. 11-24-13: No matter how far our son and daughter may run, we will chase them in Your relentless love. Though our tears may fall, our anxieties rise, we know this is Your will.
I remember before I wrote this I took refuge in the hotel bathroom. We were with the kids in a hotel room for thanksgiving weekend with our families in Dallas. We had just had a very tough night with Waylon. These kids have triggers, they have sensory issues to different situations, and we have a lot to learn about what makes them tick and then tock in harmony with life. That thanksgiving night was not an easy one. We had a small hiccup in our evening that lasted about an hour. If it weren't for Robert and his patience we would probably still be stuck trying to get our son out from hiding under the bed. We finished off the night and as always things end fine and we typically get to enjoy bed time with the kids, but my heart was so troubled that I had to find solitude in the bathroom - the only hideout in a hotel room. I haven't cried and fallen on my knees like that in a long time. My face hurt from the pressure of trying not to let me tears be loud but to let them come. I knew that the enemy of the world was trying to make me doubt everything and to forget every promise God had fulfilled and every truth about our little developing family. My insecurities and ignorance of motherhood was being driven at the front of my mind. My only escape was to fight it head on with my face to the ground and a pool of tears that I was willing to shed for those two kids in the other room. I cried out to God for them, their future, their hearts, their souls, their bonding for Robert and I... I asked for patience, for understanding, and plainly for God to hold me together bc I in that moment had lost all strength. Robert came in and was my stronghold. I have had many people say how we need to be careful to not lose our connection together and to make our marriage stronger... In that moment I knew we were going to be nothing but in this together. I need him and God has used him all the time we have been together to be the spiritual lead and I know he has needed me at times too, we can't work without Christ. And now as upcoming parents we have cried out to God more fervently than ever before for our kids.
That night God once again showed himself to me and although I had to keep my eyes focused on him with multiple prayers being whispered under my breath, I knew that no matter what distractions or struggles came that my God would be there to hold me as I fell on my knees again and again. I have a problem with expecting perfection although nothing has been perfect in my life except finding my true love, so God has had to break apart my fear of having a less than perfect child and having a lesser than perfect parenting moment. Aren't we all just figuring it out and going with the flow of whatever works the best? Not being an expert or even a few days as a parent yet I have figured out right now the best tool I have is prayer. Unbiased and shameless prayer. I have heard of many stories where mothers have prayed so hard for their children to turn from addictions and lives full of sin for years upon years. Those mothers had their prayers answered. How much so that I should commit to pray for my kids, for Waylon and Elva, and every kind of uncertain decision and future that awaits us. I believe in the power of prayer. And if you don't, I invite you to try it out. Not just praying but believing. God can do so much through a humble heart that prays. And I know that all of you who have committed to praying for my kids have just added to the power of mine and Roberts own prayers. Try prayer. I find it's best done just surrendered on your knees. Someone once told me if you want your life to change or something to get better- suck some carpet.
Oh, yes God we owe you our highest thanks. Oh the roads you lead us on aren't smooth or luxurious, but how beautiful is the scenery and the destination when we place our hope and trust in you. Lord continue to be my guide. I surrender it all and everyday I will give you my life, my loves, my all to you.
Amidst the hard times, the greatest memories are the happy ones. We have been able to talk with both kids very openly now about coming to be with us forever to be adopted. While it's a lot to chew for these kids, they are very excited to become apart of our family. Yes I think it will still be a while before either of them calls me "mom" I know that when that day comes that it will be one of the best.
As of now the kids will be brought to us Friday. Then forever we begin the process of fulfilling our commitment to them and to The Lord and making ourselves a family. I can't wait!
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. (Ephesians 3:19 NLT)
My heart is so swollen with joy and anticipation for next Friday. Just 6 days until we become parents permanently. 6 days till we jump into a whole different world. 6 days left with just the two of us and then we become 4. I feel this Great Wall of tears welling up inside me after seeing so much generosity poured out over us for the kids and just for the great realization that what we have prayed for is finally upon us. I really can't believe we are in this exact spot that we are. I don't really know how to react at this point. My emotions are everywhere- joy, love, anticipation, expectation, fear, tense, planning, nervousness, but mostly just love. I am finally at the point where I just miss them and ache for them to be here. Pictures only make that harder as I can't wait to see their smiles and faces in person again. I prayed for those faces, every feature, and I prayed for their smiles and laughs, so I'm ready to be around them. No more driving them back to their foster homes, they need to be with me permanently, my heart needs it. I find myself so tearful at times and ten again so happy and then so sad for some reason and back then to tearfully excited. It's just not real yet to me, but the two Waylon and Elva size holes in my heart are aching more and more. 6 days left and maybe I can take a breath and wake up from this dream.... But then again, we will have a new dream to begin.
I struggled with sharing the words in my journal with others. As soon as we began the adoption process back in March, HollyAnn suggested a journal, write down what I was feeling. Keep track of memories. Use it as an outlet, a way back to sanity in this emotional journey. And I've never been a writing in a journal kind of person, but just like writing this blog has helped to heal the scrambled pieces of my heart together, my journal has helped to do all the things HollyAnn said it would and more. It has helped me keep my eyes on my Father and to remember what is most important, following His footsteps. So I was trying to decide if I really wanted to share things I had wrote, but I just recently pulled it out and started from the beginning. What I read just took me back to the whole purpose and true meaning for why we have surrendered ourselves to this life. Let me share with you the first page in my journal, dated 4-24-13:
God has revealed himself in such a miraculous way in my life. How He has protected me, supplied for our financial needs, led me to my wonderfulf husband and friend, and been the source of comfort through all sorts of trials and tribulations, joys and smiles. As I think about where my life has come and how my dreams have become reality - maybe have changed a little from my original plans - but that have turned into something more joyous... I'm overwhelmed. God has changed my heart from its empty hole of jealousy, anger, rage, and longing... To one of hope, love, pure joy, obedience, and light. When He told me that I might never bear my own children, I thought He was taking away my future and all the happiness I had longed for, hoped for, prayed for, prepared for.
BUT I was wrong.
He was giving me the freedom to choose His plan for myself and Robert, the one full of all my dreams and desires, but also one that served a greater purpose than I could ever have imagined. One called to Adopt.
This is our adoption story.
I still remember exactly where I was when I wrote that (on a plane to Houston with our church staff). I still remember the emotion of that moment and it's all so real again to me. How many times as Christians do we pray for God to use us, but yet we aren't ready to surrender and let Him actually show us what it will take for our lives to be of greater purpose. I am not a saint or someone to be praised. It's hard for me to acknowledge people being so gracious with their words regarding us taking on this adoption and loving two children bc I know it's not me. Elva and Waylon were created to be my children and to live with us, teach us, and learn with us about how far and deep is Gods love. They had to start in a simple home with a neglectful mother first for some reason that we will only see why someday, or maybe never, but they have so much to teach the world and I hope they can find the ability to let God use them.
Of course the enemy has tried very hard to discourage and distract us during this whole time. I read through several of my journal entries about our struggles with the kids behavior and getting through the rough times into the joyous times. 11-24-13: No matter how far our son and daughter may run, we will chase them in Your relentless love. Though our tears may fall, our anxieties rise, we know this is Your will.
I remember before I wrote this I took refuge in the hotel bathroom. We were with the kids in a hotel room for thanksgiving weekend with our families in Dallas. We had just had a very tough night with Waylon. These kids have triggers, they have sensory issues to different situations, and we have a lot to learn about what makes them tick and then tock in harmony with life. That thanksgiving night was not an easy one. We had a small hiccup in our evening that lasted about an hour. If it weren't for Robert and his patience we would probably still be stuck trying to get our son out from hiding under the bed. We finished off the night and as always things end fine and we typically get to enjoy bed time with the kids, but my heart was so troubled that I had to find solitude in the bathroom - the only hideout in a hotel room. I haven't cried and fallen on my knees like that in a long time. My face hurt from the pressure of trying not to let me tears be loud but to let them come. I knew that the enemy of the world was trying to make me doubt everything and to forget every promise God had fulfilled and every truth about our little developing family. My insecurities and ignorance of motherhood was being driven at the front of my mind. My only escape was to fight it head on with my face to the ground and a pool of tears that I was willing to shed for those two kids in the other room. I cried out to God for them, their future, their hearts, their souls, their bonding for Robert and I... I asked for patience, for understanding, and plainly for God to hold me together bc I in that moment had lost all strength. Robert came in and was my stronghold. I have had many people say how we need to be careful to not lose our connection together and to make our marriage stronger... In that moment I knew we were going to be nothing but in this together. I need him and God has used him all the time we have been together to be the spiritual lead and I know he has needed me at times too, we can't work without Christ. And now as upcoming parents we have cried out to God more fervently than ever before for our kids.
That night God once again showed himself to me and although I had to keep my eyes focused on him with multiple prayers being whispered under my breath, I knew that no matter what distractions or struggles came that my God would be there to hold me as I fell on my knees again and again. I have a problem with expecting perfection although nothing has been perfect in my life except finding my true love, so God has had to break apart my fear of having a less than perfect child and having a lesser than perfect parenting moment. Aren't we all just figuring it out and going with the flow of whatever works the best? Not being an expert or even a few days as a parent yet I have figured out right now the best tool I have is prayer. Unbiased and shameless prayer. I have heard of many stories where mothers have prayed so hard for their children to turn from addictions and lives full of sin for years upon years. Those mothers had their prayers answered. How much so that I should commit to pray for my kids, for Waylon and Elva, and every kind of uncertain decision and future that awaits us. I believe in the power of prayer. And if you don't, I invite you to try it out. Not just praying but believing. God can do so much through a humble heart that prays. And I know that all of you who have committed to praying for my kids have just added to the power of mine and Roberts own prayers. Try prayer. I find it's best done just surrendered on your knees. Someone once told me if you want your life to change or something to get better- suck some carpet.
Oh, yes God we owe you our highest thanks. Oh the roads you lead us on aren't smooth or luxurious, but how beautiful is the scenery and the destination when we place our hope and trust in you. Lord continue to be my guide. I surrender it all and everyday I will give you my life, my loves, my all to you.
Amidst the hard times, the greatest memories are the happy ones. We have been able to talk with both kids very openly now about coming to be with us forever to be adopted. While it's a lot to chew for these kids, they are very excited to become apart of our family. Yes I think it will still be a while before either of them calls me "mom" I know that when that day comes that it will be one of the best.
As of now the kids will be brought to us Friday. Then forever we begin the process of fulfilling our commitment to them and to The Lord and making ourselves a family. I can't wait!
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. (Ephesians 3:19 NLT)
Monday, December 9, 2013
Waiting and Learning
As we count down the days till they come to our home forever, we continue the story....
The rest of our first moments with our kids consisted of us taking them to a local park for the day, swimming at the hotel pool, and keeping them overnight for the first time in a small hotel room. Not to skip over the details, but we had alot to learn about these kids and we were very much thrown into instant parenthood without knowing even what they liked to eat or what time they normally go to bed. Now I know that babies do not come with an instruction manual, but most of the time you get to write your own manual on that child as they grow. We not only didn't have a manual, we didn't have the beginning secrets of what made them who they are. We had a great first weekend with them and we sure did figure out fast what their "triggers" were and we saw how they were going to try and push our buttons. Remember when we said this wasn't going to be easy...like any child who has an opinion about anything, we were to find out just what kind of love and structure Waylon needed, just how tender Elva was, and just how much they would get very close to pushing us over the edge. BUT we also learned what things made them laugh, how we could get them to smile, and that they would do anything when bribed with sweets (me too :)
Its fun and emotionally draining figuring out your child for the first time, while still trying to connect to them and form a bond, but without taking things too fast. We, again, were very cautious not to mention adoption or staying with us forever as through this whole process it boils down to the kids' choice after we have them in our home 6 months. Yes, the kids have their own special amount of rights and after we have them for 6 months, they will get asked if they want to be with us forever. How frightening that our kids could say no to us after all the hard work we are willing to invest. BUT thinking that way gets my anxiety up and honestly, this is in God's hands. He wouldn't have brought us this far and invested our four lives together if it wasn't in his purpose and plan. SO, I can think about the next 6 months or I can just take it one day at a time.
After we saw the kids for the first time ever in November, we began to keep up with them through phone calls. We would rotate days, calling one child a day just to say we missed them and couldn't wait to see them again. Its kind of weird to think back to those first few phone calls when we really didn't know what to say and how hard it was not to scream our WE LOVE YOU to end the call. Elva's conversations usually consisted of her just saying hi, I miss you, I drew a picture of a______ today, I miss you... and so forth. Waylon had more to say on the phone, but we had decided for the sake of making things easier on him, to have Robert call him on the phone.
I have to insert here that Waylon is a very good kid and just needs to be loved by a real family. BUT he once had a mom. A realization that we will live with forever, for he had to watch his family fall apart and take care of his little sister through it all in order for us to get where we are now. Waylon has seen love fall apart at too young of an age. I will never be able to take away his memories to start fresh, but I can show him how real love can be true and genuine.
So with that being said, Waylon was not very responsive to me at first. I was very cautious to follow his signals to keep the affection to a minimum and to watch my words. It was very important that I not push myself as a new mom onto him. Elva, sweet girl, was hungry and thirsty and for a family and latched onto us like a leech. We had to watch how much we gave her attention vs Waylon. All things you normally dont have to think about with your children on a daily basis, but it was something that was constantly on my mind.
SO... during phone calls, we would have Robert call Waylon, you know, to have man to boy talk...
until the one day that he finally asked to talk to me. I must have looked like a fool all giddy as I was. I called his foster parent and heard his excitement from the other side of the phone as he asked Waylon if he wanted to talk to me. To hear that excitement was such a warm break through in my heart. Maybe, just maybe he would give me a chance. Now conversations with an 8 year old aren't the most interesting, but we talked about games and upcoming visits and what things he might like in his room... err uhh the one he would stay in when he came to visit... if he wanted to. Remember we had to avoid the conversation of forever and adoption for the time being, so to say what do you want in your room had to be further explained.
From that moment on, we would call both children together and spend time talking to each of them individually. I realize now how important it is to document your child's first words... but how even more important for us was to document the first time our children said I love you to us. November 22nd, the day we drove through sleet and freezing temperatures to reach our kids was the day that Waylon first said I love you to me on the phone while he waited our arrival. Elva first said those sweet words sometime in the week before while just having a typical conversation. How great those words are to hear. And how much I want to earn the emotions and feelings and meanings behind those words. I still can't wait for the day they call me mom, but I know I may have to wait for that one a little longer.
BUT wait I will do. Whatever it takes, I will wait.
11 days. The sounds of the kid's voices on the phone at this time are so much more filled with joy. We say I love you freely and openly to each other on the phone now, although at times Waylon is a little more reluctant to say it, but thats ok. Through everything I've learned to just accept things and to know that things are ok. God has a plan, He always has a plan. Do we want to follow it or not? Do we want to live in fear or anxiety or do we want to live in peace? frankly at this point, I definitely choose peace. 11 days. Counting down...to our little piece of forever.
Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all! 2 Thessalonians 3:16
The rest of our first moments with our kids consisted of us taking them to a local park for the day, swimming at the hotel pool, and keeping them overnight for the first time in a small hotel room. Not to skip over the details, but we had alot to learn about these kids and we were very much thrown into instant parenthood without knowing even what they liked to eat or what time they normally go to bed. Now I know that babies do not come with an instruction manual, but most of the time you get to write your own manual on that child as they grow. We not only didn't have a manual, we didn't have the beginning secrets of what made them who they are. We had a great first weekend with them and we sure did figure out fast what their "triggers" were and we saw how they were going to try and push our buttons. Remember when we said this wasn't going to be easy...like any child who has an opinion about anything, we were to find out just what kind of love and structure Waylon needed, just how tender Elva was, and just how much they would get very close to pushing us over the edge. BUT we also learned what things made them laugh, how we could get them to smile, and that they would do anything when bribed with sweets (me too :)
Its fun and emotionally draining figuring out your child for the first time, while still trying to connect to them and form a bond, but without taking things too fast. We, again, were very cautious not to mention adoption or staying with us forever as through this whole process it boils down to the kids' choice after we have them in our home 6 months. Yes, the kids have their own special amount of rights and after we have them for 6 months, they will get asked if they want to be with us forever. How frightening that our kids could say no to us after all the hard work we are willing to invest. BUT thinking that way gets my anxiety up and honestly, this is in God's hands. He wouldn't have brought us this far and invested our four lives together if it wasn't in his purpose and plan. SO, I can think about the next 6 months or I can just take it one day at a time.
After we saw the kids for the first time ever in November, we began to keep up with them through phone calls. We would rotate days, calling one child a day just to say we missed them and couldn't wait to see them again. Its kind of weird to think back to those first few phone calls when we really didn't know what to say and how hard it was not to scream our WE LOVE YOU to end the call. Elva's conversations usually consisted of her just saying hi, I miss you, I drew a picture of a______ today, I miss you... and so forth. Waylon had more to say on the phone, but we had decided for the sake of making things easier on him, to have Robert call him on the phone.
I have to insert here that Waylon is a very good kid and just needs to be loved by a real family. BUT he once had a mom. A realization that we will live with forever, for he had to watch his family fall apart and take care of his little sister through it all in order for us to get where we are now. Waylon has seen love fall apart at too young of an age. I will never be able to take away his memories to start fresh, but I can show him how real love can be true and genuine.
So with that being said, Waylon was not very responsive to me at first. I was very cautious to follow his signals to keep the affection to a minimum and to watch my words. It was very important that I not push myself as a new mom onto him. Elva, sweet girl, was hungry and thirsty and for a family and latched onto us like a leech. We had to watch how much we gave her attention vs Waylon. All things you normally dont have to think about with your children on a daily basis, but it was something that was constantly on my mind.
SO... during phone calls, we would have Robert call Waylon, you know, to have man to boy talk...
until the one day that he finally asked to talk to me. I must have looked like a fool all giddy as I was. I called his foster parent and heard his excitement from the other side of the phone as he asked Waylon if he wanted to talk to me. To hear that excitement was such a warm break through in my heart. Maybe, just maybe he would give me a chance. Now conversations with an 8 year old aren't the most interesting, but we talked about games and upcoming visits and what things he might like in his room... err uhh the one he would stay in when he came to visit... if he wanted to. Remember we had to avoid the conversation of forever and adoption for the time being, so to say what do you want in your room had to be further explained.
From that moment on, we would call both children together and spend time talking to each of them individually. I realize now how important it is to document your child's first words... but how even more important for us was to document the first time our children said I love you to us. November 22nd, the day we drove through sleet and freezing temperatures to reach our kids was the day that Waylon first said I love you to me on the phone while he waited our arrival. Elva first said those sweet words sometime in the week before while just having a typical conversation. How great those words are to hear. And how much I want to earn the emotions and feelings and meanings behind those words. I still can't wait for the day they call me mom, but I know I may have to wait for that one a little longer.
BUT wait I will do. Whatever it takes, I will wait.
11 days. The sounds of the kid's voices on the phone at this time are so much more filled with joy. We say I love you freely and openly to each other on the phone now, although at times Waylon is a little more reluctant to say it, but thats ok. Through everything I've learned to just accept things and to know that things are ok. God has a plan, He always has a plan. Do we want to follow it or not? Do we want to live in fear or anxiety or do we want to live in peace? frankly at this point, I definitely choose peace. 11 days. Counting down...to our little piece of forever.
Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all! 2 Thessalonians 3:16
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