Thursday, January 30, 2014

Better Days Ahead

No we have not dropped off the face of the planet, just going through life is all and haven't had time (or energy) to sit down and write.
Currently, I am sitting on the bench at the end of my bed while my daughter is jumping on packing bubbles that came in a package today. Her laughter is hilarious and her smile is the darn cutest you've ever seen. My son is running around with some neighborhood kids, jumping on the trampoline, and playing in the dirt. He loves to be active and he loves to be with people. We have been seeing some better days this week (week 6 OMG!) which is honestly a big sigh of relief. While the weekends seem to be variable with each child having 2-3 fits, the week days seem to be leveling out. Of course these fits and the days depend on typical child behavior and responses to things (hungry, tired, bored, etc) but we are learning more and more about how to avoid some fits and how to break them faster from their anger. I wish I could say there have been no problems at school, but Waylon seems to find one instance each week to blow it. Elva is of course an angel in school bc she likes her teacher and she gets to be creative (which drives her passion) so we don't have any issues with her in her schooling. Waylon is the "victim" of his mouth alot and as smart as he is, he still struggles with showing respect to his teachers and not trying to pick on any kids.

They are getting there. As slow as a snail (and not Turbo bc hes fast, haha my kids love that movie), and as fast as the leaves change color each season, they are getting there. I can see Waylon trying to control himself when he gets upset and for all its worth he is able to calm down way faster than Elva. His behavior is changing in some ways that are not so good, but at least he is showing that he is trying to use the right coping mechanisms (go to his room and chill without yelling, throwing things, slamming doors, or mouthing off). Elva just can't seem to shake herself to reality when she gets mad. I mean the slightest thing (mostly when her brother makes her mad) just gets her in such a frizzle that she would probably stay mad at the world forever unless we "break" her of her stupor. Her fits seem to get longer and her screams louder, but I can again tell that she slowly learning how things go and how she doesn't want the consequences that come following her fits. While both of them have yelled that they hate it here and they hate us while they are mad, they are both quicker to take it back as soon as they come off their emotional high. Our goal each fit is to instruct in healthier ways to release their feelings and to reassure them that we love them, no matter what they say or do.

The best moments have been just having normalcy moments. Elva's hilarious child like vocabulary (she puts extra syllables of things) and how she says "thing majiger" for everything. Waylon's wild imagination and silly laughter. Giggling together at the dinner table (most of the time), listening to them try to learn the words to the songs on the Christian radio, quietly snickering while they say the most bizarre but cute prayers, giving nose kisses, teaching them Bible verses and rejoicing when they get them right, trying to figure out their reasoning for things and then they get confused themselves and we just laugh out loud, reading our devotional book and hearing them maybe, just maybe figuring out this love of Christ, and watching movies with them snuggled up against us... and then squirming and moving to this couch and getting a drink and getting a pillow and getting a blanket and getting bored and wanting this and wanting that and always always moving! Oh yes, those moments are wonderful and I hope will just continue to increase in number. The best best moments are getting to hear them say I love you and when they just want you to be near enough to hug them or hold them. Oh I forgot tickling... hahaha yes tickling is always a good moment! Waylon has one spot (on his sides) where he is ticklish and Elva starts to laugh when you get close to her and just say the word tickle. The kids have been participating in kids Bible quizzing at our church. They had a competition kind of thing on Saturday and believe it or not they each got 4th place in their age divisions... we were quite proud and impressed! Something is getting through to them! (and its all God really)

I wish some days I didn't wake up and have a hard time telling myself to love them, but I really wouldn't be human at this point if this wasnt a hard transition. Its still in an unnatural state for us to *poof* be parents and by all means why would I even begin to expect that I have it all together. An untraumatized child is able to get over an upset in 2-3 minutes give or take less or more... mine takes 15-30 minutes give or take. My child is unable to chemically process why they get upset and mad and how to calm down... whereas any other child might have regret or feel sorry for the wrong they had done. A natural child knows they can trust their parents and will confide in them when hurting... mine have been let down so many times that trust is scary and foreign to them and why would they come running to someone for help when they still have to make the choice everyday as well to love us back. A mom of biological kids has years and years to develop a special bond with their child, we are making up for lost years and damaged years. Its ok for me to not feel connected to them some days and its ok for me to not know how I'm going to handle one more fit or upset in the day. Its ok that I shed a few tears for my sanity. Bc through it all, its not really me. My God knows the desires of my heart and He knows the hurts and pains and He knows whats best for these two blessings. Its not me, I'm too weak. Its God, He is my strength. And only a God so loving and magnificant could put this family together the way He did. So if we have a hard day, its all part of God's process and He is the one standing beside them, whispering to them, whispering and leading us.

I wouldn't trade this journey for anything... I would love more happy days in the future, but even if there are only hard days we will survive bc of God's grace and mercy. I can't truly express how freeing and beautiful it is when I fall to my knees before Christ and confess every fear and thankful joy and hurt. And how His sweet strong arms just pick me up, set me on my feet, and carry me to another day. Its so beautiful to fall apart with Christ. I want to be broken and put back together everyday by Him if thats what it takes for me to be the mom and the christian He has called me to be. Better days are still ahead. Its just taking things one day at a time. And that is ok.

How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you.    Psalm 31:19

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