Disclaimer: this post may have a ton of run on sentences and ... Those things, but again I never claimed to be a writer or an English major. I'm bearing my soul here and in all honesty these words don't even give justice to what's truly in my heart... But somehow the words get jumbled between my heart and my typing fingers.
No matter what you are about to read please know: we are fine. In the worst of the worst moments I pray and then I feel led to write so welcome to my therapy session... This is just my new reality.
So I'm not going to lie that we have had us a hard week at home. The years and effects of bad parenting and poor role modeling seem to be magnified in our faces more and more each week and it's utterly exhausting. Finding and offering healing to these kids can't happen soon enough. Yes, there is evidence of some progress, but every few steps we take forward, we seem to take a giant tumble backwards and then it's slow to regain our steps. It's still weird to be called "mom" and it's weird to talk about my two kids bc it's only been a little over 2 months. I wish everything would snap into place like it would if you have a biological child or adopt a baby... But that's not our reality. My reality is one of severe anxiety (and I literally thought I was having a heart attack the other day bc my anxiety got so bad... But then again we were at a basketball game and I just get roared up)... But anyways, my reality is one of not knowing how each minute or hour is going to turn out, not knowing if I am going to have a smile or tears, of doing my hardest to not cross the line and to follow the instruction that's been given to us about how to deal with behavior, it's about not knowing what to say or do but knowing that you somehow love these children and you want to help them, protect them, care for them. It's bursting into tears at night for no apparent reason except it just feels right and it's the only thing that heals the cracks in your heart from the day. It's dreading Thursdays bc those seem to always be the worst days. It's having so many emotions that you just want to bottle them up but there isn't a container big enough in this world to handle them (except in Gods world but He always seems to get all my junk piled up at once and He so graciously takes it)... It is wanting to have a better answer for people that's a blank state when they ask "how are you and your new family?" It is waking up everyday and praying to the only one who truly understands me and asking Him to fill me with the love I need to carry on and the strength to hold it together. It is wanting and praying for happy moments, hour by hour, and when they are happy times you say a silent prayer of thanks and relief, but when they aren't you fall to your knees again and again and you lay hands on your child and you just have to get out of the way so God can step in. It's taking every opportunity to tell them that you love them, no matter what they do or say, bc they just don't truly believe you yet and they have been hurt so many times before that how can they know you will be different... It's ignoring the hurtful things they say when they are mad. It is wanting to admit that everything is ok when most days things just aren't ok and while that may make you want to give up and say this isn't worth it at all and it's not fair, God keeps reminding you that He has ordained this family and He is redeeming these kids and He is the one who hears all the words and sees all our tears and He is the one who created them and that no matter what... These are my kids and God is working in them.
It's so hard to see that sometimes and it seems that most recently we have entered into this phase of severe rebellion and anger and I can fight it all I want or I can accept that they will have to go through this in order to truly become part of our family.
Just tonight I told Waylon as we were snuggling before bedtime, that I was so glad God gave him to me bc he we meant to be in my family... No matter what and wether he likes us or not... To which he replied," well, not that this will happen, but what if one of us says no?"
I said, " I will fight for you Waylon as long as I love bc you are my son. I will never stop fighting for you and loving you."
I don't say that to brag or show off (bc it's not my words but Gods anyway)... But to say that I know the really long paragraph above with all the run on sentences sounds real negative and depressing, but nothing is going to change my heart from wanting these children. We did after all pray our guts out for these two and we did wait like what seemed an eternity for them... No, I will not give up on them or stop loving them bc of something they do or say of threaten or yada yada. I believe in the end prize... A family covered under Gods love and blessing.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.